Once upon a time, I was healthy. I’d lost 100 lbs and kept the weight off. I was thin, strong, and fit, but contrary to all indications, I was not entirely healthy. My mental and emotional health were not always great, and I struggled a lot with body image issues even after losing the weight. These issues, coupled with some major traumatic events in my life and the kick-off of years of cross-country moves, caused every aspect of my health to disintegrate. I began to self-harm via food, developed binge and disordered eating habits, and regained a lot of the weight I’d lost. Therapy helped, but with all the moves, I obviously had to change doctors a lot, so treatment was fragmented. Ditto medical care.

07 vision board

(my wellness journey vision board)

Yes, I want to lose weight again, but this is not just a weight loss journey. Instead, I’m on a wellness journey. I want to be truly healthy – in mind and heart as well as in body. I want to celebrate my body no matter its size. I want to embrace life, and embrace myself, and love me for who I am. I want to be strong, flexible, healthy, kind, and confident – physically, mentally, emotionally; internally and externally. This involves so much more than calories and a number on the scale. It will be no easy task, and it will take time, support, and tremendous efforts. But I am worth it.

Resources and Inspiration:
• Alee and The Wellness Room, who taught me how amazing therapy can be
• Brittany Gibbons, aka Brittany Herself: her TED talk, her book Fat Girl Walking, and her general body positivity
Molly Galbraith, especially her 28-Day Love Your Body Challenge
• Finding What Feels Good – Yoga With Adriene focuses on building a positive relationship with your body
Birthmarkings: the post-birth-body self-image documentary that started my journey toward body-positivity (particularly the mother who comes in at 16:48, whose belly looks a lot like my post-pregnancy belly looked before surgery in January 2014)
Julia Kozerski‘s truthful photo-journey about the post-weight-loss body reality (note: photo journal at the first link includes male and female nudity)
Katya Zharkova (a Belarusian plus-size model and actress) and her campaign to show straight-size and plus-size modeling for what they are. Examples available (with pictures, and nudity warning) at The Daily Mail and Styleite.
Jessamyn Stanley for showing that yoga can be for every body and every size.
• Particularly helpful and/or inspiring books: Come As You Are, It Was Me All Along, Elena Vanishing, The Body Keeps the Score
• All my loving friends and family, for believing in me, for cheering me on, for never judging me on my size or failures, for insisting that I’m worth it whenever I falter and forget. Thank you.
• More to come – and suggestions welcomed!

Particularly Significant Posts:
My Weight Journey: Timeline
– On Starting A Brand New Journey (8/24/15)
On Deferred Grief (9/30/15)
On PTSD (10/21/15)
On Healing (12/30/15)
On Abdominal Surgery (1/13/16)
On Doctors and Diagnoses (3/16/16)
On Therapeutic Yoga (3/30/16)
On Choosing Exercise You Love (2/8/17)
On the Subjectivity of Longterm Loss (10/11/17)
On Body Positivity (11/29/17)

Last updated: 12/9/17