Wellness Wednesday – The Difference a Decade Makes

A few weeks ago, I looked back through an old journal from November 2007. I was looking for something particular – a doctor’s name – and didn’t find what I was searching for. Instead, I found many pages and passages of self-insults. I called myself fat, said my head looked like a potato, complained about so many parts of my body as well as my personal failings that obviously led to the problems with my body. It was a shocking thing to find. Yes, I knew that I didn’t like being overweight and that I struggled hard with body image, but I hadn’t realized just how vitriolic my self-language was at that time.

Near the end of 2007, I was frustrated with myself. Being overweight was a relatively new experience for me, starting only when I was pregnant with my third child in 2003/2004. My weight was still bouncing around due to illness, with sudden gains and drops, and I was frustrated with the lack of control. At the time of my journal entries, I was 20 lbs up from where I’d been six months before, and was straddling the overweight/obese line. I have almost no pictures from then, because I was too embarrassed by how I looked to take them, and in those I have, I now look back and see someone who may not be super thin, but who looked just fine! Yet I was calling myself names and berating myself constantly.

I’m honestly not sure exact when or how things changed in the last ten years. I currently weigh about 35 lbs more than I do in that picture above. I’ve spent most of the last ten years either overweight or obese. But I don’t sit around berating myself anymore. Actually, I don’t mind how I look. Sure, I could do with some improvement, especially as getting thinner would help my feet and hips not to hurt all the time. But see? That’s not a self-insult. That’s practicality. Now, when I look in the mirror, I’m perfectly okay with what I see. Maybe it’s just the familiarity of having been this size so long. Maybe it’s the surgery I had a few years ago to repair pregnancy damage to my stomach. Maybe it’s all the work I did on improving my body image when I was thin. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m no longer inclined to treat myself like a punching bag. Do I like every picture? No! Who does? Do I have days when I struggle and take issue with my body? Of course! The negative crap and the insults and the shame, though? That’s all gone. Good riddance.

About Amanda

Writing. Family. Books. Crochet. Fitness. Fashion. Fun. Not necessarily in that order. Note: agender (she/her).
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3 Responses to Wellness Wednesday – The Difference a Decade Makes

  1. Michelle says:

    I hear you. I see old posts come up from Timehop and wonder why I hated myself so much. It was all about losing weight and exercising when I obviously hated to do so. And my weight was thirty pounds lighter than I am now. I am with you in that I no longer hate myself or the way I look. Life is too short to spend it struggling with self-image and self-loathing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kristen M. says:

    Good for you! Happy is much healthier and more beautiful no matter what shape or size. 🙂


    • Amanda says:

      I wish I could say I was happier or healthier, but I confess that neither of those things are true. I’m just not beating myself up anymore, or I just don’t care so much about my size, or I’ve just grown used to it and accepted it. I do hope to one day be happier and healthier. I had gotten there, once, before we moved to Boston, but after everything that came after…well. Yeah.


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