Every year I make new goals for myself. Below are my goals for the current year, as well as my progress on them.

2019 Goals (Revised)

Back in the fall, I created a massive list of goals for 2019. They were scattered, an attempt to address everything that I felt was a shortcoming in my current life. Instead, they ended up more a list of tasks rather than actual goals to strive for. I don’t feel any sense of accomplishment in completing them, and the last thing I need this year is a long to-do list of difficult-to-complete items. It’s nearing the end of March, and I’m scrapping the goals I originally chose for the year and creating a new set focused on the things that are most important to me.

1. Improve my overall health.

I began the year not knowing that my health was in the process of fast deterioration. Not only did the nose/anosmia issue continue despite multiple doctors and treatments and tests, but I began breaking out in hives daily. Rampant inflammation causes dozens of problems – worse insomnia, weight gain, depression, chronic fatigue, etc. My brief round with a steroid treatment taught me that inflammation was behind even more than I realized, including the nose/anosmia issue. Unfortunately, my team of doctors and I still haven’t pinpointed the cause of inflammation and hives, and some don’t even believe inflammation is related to any of it.

My goal this year is to find the cause of inflammation and deal with it, with or without a doctor’s help. Once I can calm my body down, I will be able to work on other goals, such as improving my mental health and sleeping enough and losing weight, all of which are highest priority for me.

Current Status: I’ve removed several immediate sources of inflammation (probiotics, any foods with live cultures in them) and changed to eating a higher carb, lower fat diet, both of which have helped. Allergy tests revealed no allergies. Had a strep pneumonia vaccine and will recheck antibodies mid-May. Currently on an antidepressant and a prescription-strength allergy med, the latter of which seems to have nixed the hives. Still don’t know the source. (5/1/19)

2. Write.

Writing makes me happy, regardless of whether or not I plan for it to be a career. I haven’t written at all since spring of 2016, and I haven’t written regularly since 2014. When my life got thrown through the grinder in 2014, writing was one of the things that didn’t make it out of there alive. And without it, I don’t feel completely alive. I feel like a soulless shell of a person with no purpose in life, someone who just exists for existence sake. I’ve tried to give myself other purposes over the years, but none of them make me feel whole the way writing does. And yet writing acts as a constant trigger, a reminder of when life was so much better, I suppose. I haven’t been able to work through the mental blocks that keep me away from writing. If it was just straight-out writer’s block, I could deal with that. This instead is more like panic attacks every time I try to write, and my goal is to figure out why this is happening, address the triggers, and get back to a regular writing habit again.

3. Improve our financial situation.

I don’t yet know how to tackle this goal, but our finances are a major source of stress. I wish it came down to spending habits that could be changed, but Jason and I have already streamlined our budget and ruthlessly cut our spending down to bare minimums. The thing is, in early 2018 we were doing fine. We had no credit card debt, no car payments, and a budget that allowed some money to be put in savings each month. Then we had $25,000 worth of repairs on our house over the summer, and unexpectedly had to replace both cars. Now we have a giant chunk of credit card debt and two car payments. Those debt payments together make up more than we had leftover each month before, so we’ve cut everything we can out of our budget (no TV, minimum phone and internet, etc) and still don’t make it most months. We were relying on Jason’s bonus and our annual tax refund to help lower the credit cards by a lot, but then the bonus was much smaller than it usually is, and Prump’s tax reforms meant instead of a $5k refund, we owed $2k (thanks, asshole), so all our debts are still massively high. We don’t make enough to cover bare minimums each month at this point.

So we’ve come to a tipping point and need to make some changes. I either need to try to get a job – difficult to find one that will pay me more than minimum wage, which would add just about nothing to our finances especially once the costs are weighed in – or I need to take out loans (more debt!) and go back to school so that I can get a decent-paying job at some point. Or we have to figure out a Plan C. Whatever we do, we can’t just keep going like this. We’re drowning. We need a solid plan and to then implement that plan this year.

Current Status: Jason and I have made a list of what has to be done in this house before we can downsize, and are starting to work on the few items that are low cost. (4/7/19)