Goal Clothes

Posted on June 29, 2018 by Thistle

So it’s no secret that I’ve been obsessed with LuLaRoe, and that I have weight loss goals. I decided to combine those two together! It’s been awhile since I made goal outfits of any kind, but recently I did that. These aren’t end-goal outfits or anything. They’re ones that almost fit and will likely fit when I can lose maybe 10-20 lbs. I can wear them now, they just don’t fit the way I like. Here they are:

First photo, from left to right: This is a LLR Perfect T, size medium. I normally fit a large to extra large depending on material. As you can see, I can wear this shirt just fine. However, I don’t like the way it feels. The sleeves are tight and there’s too much pull under the arms. The fabric thins out when it stretches across the bust and shows my bra a little. The length is not quite as long as I like it. Wearable, but will look much better when it fits properly! That shouldn’t take very long – it’s the closest to fitting well.

Middle photo: This is a size medium Carly dress. Oddly, a medium Carly is generally the size I wear! I’ve noticed that Carlys seem to be a bit inconsistent, though. I have a large that fits like an XL and an XL that fits like a medium. In any case, this medium Carly fits more like a small or XS. The sleeves are super tight and dig in where it meets my side. The fabric stretches really bad across the front, making it semi-transparent. The whole shape of it just looks odd on me at this size, which is not normal for Carlys for me. Given that this is an oddly-put-together Carly, I can’t say exactly when it might start fitting properly.

Third photo: This is an XL Julia dress. The Julia is one of the LLR pieces that run very small and you’re supposed to size up 1-2. I bought this one for the design (raglan sleeves!), sized up 1. Again, I can wear it, but it’s tight all through the top and it shows off every lump and curve. I look stuffed into it. This one will take the longest time to fit into of these three, the most weight to lose, but I’m hoping to be there by Nov/Dec when the weather is cool enough for these longer sleeves.

Then there are these two pieces, which I photographed together (though I’d never wear them that way – talk about pattern clash!). The shirt is an XL Randy. I have another one in this size that fits perfectly, but this one is very tight and shows off all my lumps, haha. (The picture looks much better than it does in real life, I promise! The shirt rides up with every step I take!) I’m hoping it’ll fit by the time late fall/early winter comes around.

The bottom is a 2XL Azure skirt. The Azure seems to be a weird piece. Recommendations all over the place is to size down, which would put me in an XL. I bought a 2XL (not pictured) just to be safe, and it fits, though slightly tighter than I like. Still, it’s wearable. So I went ahead and also got this 2XL in the patchwork design (one of my favorite LLR designs I’ve ever seen). Only when it came, the waist was at least two inches smaller than my other 2XL and the skirt was about two inches shorter as well. The only way I can wear this one is if I pull it all the way up to my bust-line! This, like the Julia, will take some time to truly fit into. But I definitely need to get there! It’s too awesome not to wear one day!

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Wellness Wednesday – Another Reminder

Posted on June 27, 2018 by Thistle

As I’m pretty much trying to at least maintain this summer, with everything else going on, I decided to keep reminding myself that things could be worse, and keep myself motivated to stay the course, even if that course is just maintaining for now.

Me, at my heaviest, in 2009. I was miserable. I’d gained 60 lbs in the last year and was far above the heaviest I’d ever been before that (about 40 lbs higher than ever before!). I was still sick and didn’t know what was causing all the problems. By the time that all got figured out, I’d pretty much given up.

Me, at my lowest (post-pregnancies), in spring 2014. You can just see the difference between the way I felt in 2009 vs how I felt in 2014. Not only was I 100-105 lbs lighter, but I was fit, healthy, and happy. According to my BMI, I was still technically overweight (by one pound), but I didn’t care. Totally satisfied with where I was at and how I looked. I felt amazing.

Me currently, about 30 lbs under the the first collage of pictures, and about 70-75 lbs over the second set. This is where today’s reminder comes in. First off, while I’m only 30 lbs under that first set of photos, I’m a lot smaller than I was then. I’ve built a lot of muscle over the years, which means my body composition is very different. Second, the abdominal surgery I had in 2014 made a huge difference in my body shape, and even at this much higher weight, I’m not nearly as self-conscious about my body as I was pre-surgery. In fact, I’d say I’m less self-conscious now than I was 70 lighter and pre-surgery. Third, I’m not doing that thing where I wear whatever happens to be around just because I’m obese. I’m wearing things I love and things that work well for my body. So even if I’m not as small as I’d like to be, I still think I look just fine. That’s a major psychological difference this time around.

It may be several years before I can get back to my goal weight, but in the meantime, I want to remember just how far I’ve come, and how far I haven’t fallen, mentally and emotionally, as my weight increased this time.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Uncle

Posted on June 25, 2018 by Thistle

So my uncle Jim was diagnosed with late stage multiple myeloma, a blood-plasma cancer with a max prognosis of four years. He’s not in particularly good health already, so he’s dealing with cancer and chemo on top of other complicating factors, like liver failure. My cousin has made up a page to keep us all updated since we live scattered all over. It’s so hard to be going through this. Too many members of my family are sick or dying or gone these days.

Continue reading →

Posted in Personal | 4 Comments

Sunday Coffee – House Update 2

Posted on June 24, 2018 by Thistle

Little has happened in the last couple weeks, but this is the gist:

First, we got all our information to the USAA contracting department, who apparently went over the roofer’s heads and straight to their liability insurance. That seems to have lit a fire under the roofers, because last week we got a call from them asking if they could schedule to fix the back half of the roof that (if you’ll recall) they told us they didn’t have to fix even though we paid for it. Personally, I didn’t want them anywhere near my house again as they do shoddy work, but apparently if we don’t let them finish the job, we’ll have a hard time getting their liability insurance to pay for anything else. Ugh. So the plan was to have us both here with video and still photography the entire time. I’m also not letting them into the house proper unless it’s for repairs, and they can provide their own water, bathrooms, etc. The last time they came into this house, they were shouting, swearing, and nearly hitting our contractor, all with two of my kids nearby. They’re not welcome back into my home.

Beyond that, the contracting department at USAA called us back to ask us to file a claim with our insurance for the damage in the meantime. It’s supposed to be noted, with all the pertinent contact info, that this is in mediation with the roofer’s liability insurance. However, since that mediation will likely take a very long time (possibly over a year), they want us to get our house sorted before then. So we file a claim on our own insurance, and if the decision is eventually in our favor, then we get our deductible paid back to us and the claim disappears from our homeowner’s policy. Additionally, since USAA put this in mediation because it’s clearly not our fault (or something wrong with the house), it will (hopefully) not affect our homeowner’s insurance. So we filed that claim this week, and had an adjuster come out pretty quickly. They’re trying to sort out what of this mess is related to the original claim back in Feb, and which is related to the unrelated flooding claim from May, and what is new-claim-but-really-roofer’s-fault. They have to get a lot more info and probably come back a few times, and we’re currently waiting to see what they will approve of the claim. Hopefully it’ll be the whole thing because we really can’t afford to fix this on our own.

In the meantime, the roofers were scheduled to come by this past Tuesday, but had to cancel because it rained for several days. Yay for still having a hole in our roof! They eventually came at the end of the week though they changed days multiple times and finally just showed up late one afternoon, causing Jason to have to work from home more than he was supposed to. The roofing manager came with the subcontractors to verify the work was done properly, and they did a bunch of work to the siding and roof. The manager actually had them rip up their new work and redo some of it because it wasn’t to his liking, and he’s supposed to come back on Monday to do a leak test. That’s frustrating again, because Jason has to be at work on Monday and I have no idea how to verify that the test will be done properly…sigh.

In better news, I decided this week to rearrange my bedroom and living room, since everything was torn apart anyway. I was tired of having the living room arranged around the TV only, and also have it function as a walkway. So the books came downstairs, the decor came downstairs, the TV changed walls, the piano moved into the living room, and we now have a cozy little living room space with a walkway behind it. Upstairs, my office space in the bedroom moved over to the previous book area, and all our exercise equipment moved to my old office area. We now have four distinct quadrants of the bedroom: sleeping, office, exercise/yoga, and a sitting/reading area. It’s not fully complete, but I’m enjoying the current setup so far!

Posted in Personal | Tagged , | 6 Comments

Journey Before Destination

Posted on June 21, 2018 by Thistle

In Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight Archive, there’s an oath that certain people take while obtaining specific abilities. The plot isn’t important, just the oath:

Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.

There are many ways to interpret these small phrases of course, but that last bit has become very important to me over the last few months. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about journey versus destination, and how aiming for an end-point instead of focusing on the path can be self-defeating. If you don’t experience the path and only long for the finish, is it really a journey? Can you really get to that end? Anyway, philosophy aside, I realize that the times in my life that I’ve been most successful have been the times when I focus on my journey rather than my destination. Example:

In college, I began to realize that my education had been inadequate. Though I did well in school, I went off to college without some basic knowledge that other people seemed to have. I couldn’t point out where all the US states were on the map for example, and didn’t come close to knowing their capitols. There were books everyone had read in school that my schools never assigned. My vocabulary was extremely limited, which for a writer is a really bad thing. I felt deficient in just about every part of education, and that grew as I took classes in a college that was just as easy as high school, so that I didn’t learn much at all.

After Morrigan was born, I decided to take my education into my own hands, starting with my woeful lack of book knowledge. I wasn’t at all well-read, and I wanted to be so. Instead of focusing on that end (being well-read and knowledgeable in literature), I made a goal for 2001: to read a book per week all year. Long story short, I began with Maugham’s Mrs Craddock and followed through with my goal all year. At the end, I wasn’t a well-read person, but I’d certainly gotten much closer to that goal. More importantly, I’d also discovered authors I loved, and a joy of reading that I’d lost for nearly a decade, and improved my vocabulary and writing skills – things I hadn’t even planned for.

A similar thing happened in 2011 when I started my weight loss journey. I had so much weight to lose, and instead of asking myself to lose quickly, I made a long goal (over two years) and focused instead on the daily/weekly habits I would need to eventually reach that goal. Some of the goals were tiny (eat one fruit and one vegetable per day six days per week) and some were slightly more ambitious (complete the C25K program). I wanted to lose 50 lbs in 2011, but that number was so big and the date so far away that I had to focus on the smaller steps by necessity. I added one habit after another, slowly over time.

By the end of 2011, I did manage to lose 54 lbs. Better than that, though, I gained so much. I became a runner, which completely changed my body composition. I learned to eat produce for the first time in my life. There were so many gains: self-confidence, no self-consciousness in wearing shorts outside, trying out so many different fitness things that I loved, etc. I grew so much that year, which had very little to do with losing 54 lbs – that end point was just a result, not part of the journey.

In the last few years, I’ve spent far too much time thinking about the goal rather than the journey. There’s a part of me that says I’ve already made this journey, I already know these things, what would be the point of re-learning? But there IS a point, and that’s what I need to focus on now. Journey before destination. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to be a runner again. Yes, I want to be strong. But those are ends. I need to focus now on the individual steps, one at a time, slowly, that will take me to where I want to be.

Today, on the summer solstice, I start this journey again with a new focus: the journey itself. I’m not sure how much I’ll talk about it here, but I’ve got a personal journal that should last the next year or more, and I’ve made a private instagram account for daily motivation, accountability, and observations. Yesterday’s post talked about needing to internally regroup. I’ve been thinking about this for quite awhile, and today, I take that plunge.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Wellness Wednesday – Off

Posted on June 20, 2018 by Thistle

This summer has been very tough for me so far. First my uncle was diagnosed with late stage terminal cancer. Then we discover $20K worth of damage and enter a large legal fight with a construction company. Our house gets torn apart and we’ll be living in temporary accommodations for the next month or two. An online friend of mine passes away. The boys get out of school but immediately start an insane summer schedule involving summer school, drivers ed driving appointments, band camp, study abroad, and a whole lot of doctor visits. I think I’ve had something to do every single day since June began, never at the same time or in any consistent pattern.

No routine. This is not good for me.

Heat – over 100 most days, waking up to 80 degrees – is not good for me.

Construction supplies took over our house. There’s no place to exercise but outside, and it’s too hot out there. The kitchen barely exists. There’s no place to cook real food. There’s no place to relax, there’s no place to read, there’s no place to walk in circles to work off some energy. THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.

I’ve eaten out almost every day this month, and for the first week, we ate out for every single meal. I’ve exercised only four times this month, including only one (short) yoga. I’m not bothering to count calories or make vegetables to go with meals. I’ve been drinking far more wine than is good for me, and indulging in tons of ice cream, Oreos, chips, and cereal. I’m just too exhausted and OFF to do anything. Nothing is happening. It’s all just a holding pattern, and the less routine, the less possibilities, the worse my mental health and willpower are holding out. My body hurts, I feel sick all the time from the gross food, and I just want the opportunity to get back to normal again. Summers are always difficult for me, but this is abnormally so. And I don’t see any changes in my external situation for at least another month, probably two.

Somehow, I’m going to have to internally regroup despite everything and at least stop making things worse.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Sleep Study

Posted on June 18, 2018 by Thistle

Because I feel like an absolute wreck but I also want to record these thoughts in a way that’s more permanent than Facebook, here is what I wrote up and posted this morning after last night’s sleep study:

Sooooo…I had a home sleep study last night, and honestly I have no idea how doctors get useful data from these things. It took me twice as long as normal to fall asleep, and then I woke up every 10-15 mins for the first three hours of the night. The one time I changed positions without getting all the way out of bed, the monitor started an alarm to have me adjust the device on my face. Eventually I got to where I was only waking up every 30-60 minutes, but that still meant getting up far more often than usual, plus sleeping stiffly so I wouldn’t dislodge the device at all. The shortened sleep periods meant I got no deep sleep, but instead these shallow dreams that all involved being able to take the stupid thing off my head.

I “slept” from 11 to 6, but probably only got 3-4 hours of shallow, restless sleep. This morning I feel like I’ve been hit by a car. My body is stiff, I’m having mild hallucinations, I can’t walk straight, and my lungs and throat are reacting as if to bad allergens. Thank goodness Jason has the option of working from home because I would not be remotely safe to drive today, and the boys have a few appointments.

And really, I’m just not sure the data from this study will help. I don’t have problems falling asleep, and I’d guess I get some deep sleep normally. My problem is waking up ~2-4 am and being unable to go back to sleep for several hours unless I’ve taken a sleep aid. My study in no way reflected any of that, especially as they had me take my sleep aid like normal. I think they’re only testing for apnea, which I’m sure I have, but which isn’t causing the insomnia as the insomnia pre-dates the apnea! Sigh. I guess I’ll just have to see what they say in a few weeks. In the meantime…coffee…

*****
To add a few details for my own record here, not on Facebook: When I “woke” up at the end of the night, my face was very swollen. The tubing that went into my nose was snug but not tight enough to cause indentations (see pic above), but my skin swelled enough in the night to cause deep grooves to be left on both sides (not just the side I was lying on). My lips, nose, and eyes were puffy. I’ve had this kind of sleep-puffing before, but usually only after extremely hard interval workouts during the day (especially ones that take place while swimming – this used to happen a lot during high school when I was a competitive swimmer, for instance). My joints and glands are all swollen, again like I’m having an allergic reaction. I’m coughing, my throat is almost swollen shut, and it’s hard to swallow. I’m not sick, but have this as a result of lying too stiffly and not getting any deep sleep.

I do plan to try to nap at some point, after the swelling in my face goes down. And I really don’t want to take another sleep study ever again. Sheesh.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged | 9 Comments

Sunday Coffee – Happy Father’s Day!

Posted on June 17, 2018 by Thistle

(My dad, me, my brother William, my sister Becky.)

(Jason and our three boys.)

Dads really are made for crawling on, aren’t they? Happy Father’s Day!

Posted in Personal | Tagged | 4 Comments

Wellness Wednesday – Why I Adore LuLaRoe

Posted on June 13, 2018 by Thistle

I posted about my first LuLaRoe order a few weeks ago. In that post, I talked about going overboard on buying their clothes, from multiple retailers. Then on the 3rd, I went to my first in-person LLR party, which allowed me to try styles and fabrics that I hadn’t yet experienced, and of course I bought more than I was planning then, too. So far, while I like some pieces more than others, I’ve pretty much loved every single thing I’ve bought. Why post this as a Wellness Wednesday topic? Well, because my reasons for loving this clothing brand have a lot to do with body image and empowerment.

Size Envy
One of the things that pops up all the time in various online LLR groups is size envy. You see a dress or shirt or jacket you love, but it’s not your size. Various retailers aren’t going to have every design in every size – usually they only have one. If it’s not your size, oh well. But here’s the thing: Maybe you fit into a size L and the piece that’s causing size envy is an XXS. Or maybe it’s a 3XL. Because regardless if the piece is too small or too big for you, it’s still size envy. You’re envious that someone will be able to wear this piece. In a culture where size envy is usually only directed toward smaller sizes, always wanting to be smaller than you are, having a subculture of people who also envy larger sizes is just AMAZING. Silly, I know, but this is psychological gold.

Body Type
You learn very quickly that body type matters more than the size of a piece of clothing in LLR. Example: I wear a size M to L in a Carly dress, and the M is loose enough that I could probably go smaller if I wanted it to be tighter fitting. However, because I’m busty and have a long waist, I have to size up to a 2XL or higher in the Classic T. This depends very much on body type, not size. At that party I attended, my friend Stephanie and I both tried on the same XL Classic T. We’re both similarly-sized, but we carry our weight very differently. The shirt we both tried on did not even come close to fitting me because of my bust, but was extremely flattering and just perfect on her, because she carries more in her hip area. So unlike with most clothing brands, you stop shopping for size and start shopping for what flatters your body. The number stops mattering so much. More psychological gold.

Diversity of Style
Probably 85% of LLR prints and colors are ones I would never wear. I don’t love Americana or Disney or floral or tribal-looking or animal prints. I won’t wear hot pink or bright spring colors or pretty much any shade of yellow. Instead, I gravitate toward paisley, stripes, raglan, swirls, heathered fabrics, and autumn-toned colors (anything from teal to brown to orange). Similarly, I’m not a fan of certain clothing lines like the Cassie (pencil skirt), but I love ones like the Carly (flowing dress). Stretchy fabrics are better than cottony for me, and I love textured fabrics as well. There are so many different styles, designs, and fabrics to choose from that there’s something for just about everyone.

Comfort
Honestly, I expected the clothes to be a little uncomfortable before I received my first order. I’ve always gravitated toward jeans/jean shorts and t-shirts or tunics, and I’ve often found that higher-priced pieces from name brands tend to be less comfortable for me. Not so with LLR. The fabrics are soft and comfortable, none of the seams and tighter areas (like under your arms or at your waist) pull or pinch. And the leggings! I’ve never liked leggings before, but these don’t roll, pinch, fold over, shift, or drop. They aren’t hot even in south TX heat, and I basically forget I’m wearing them while they’re on. It’s awesome.

Quality
Honestly, I haven’t yet owned my pieces long enough to 100% comment on quality. However, I’ve been wearing at least part of my outfits from LLR almost every day for the last few weeks, and so far all has been great. I compare this to my last interest in a clothing company, Modcloth, which I ordered from three times in 2016-2017. Nearly every piece I ordered was uncomfortable to wear, and 75% of them either ripped or popped a seam or took a hole from a cat claw within 1-2 wearings. The quality of fabric was AWFUL. So far, nothing like that has happened with LLR, and believe me, my cats have tried. They particularly like chasing the hems of my longer pieces (ha!). Besides that, many pieces can be altered in fit/style – tying dresses into knots, cinching them up inside for a different look, etc – and they just pop back into normal shape after a run through the wash. It’s awesome.

So yes, I’m a LLR convert. For the first time in several years, I actually like the clothes I’m wearing – like the pieces themselves, and like myself in them. It’s a huge boost to self-esteem to love the way you look in your clothes. I don’t even mind that I’ve spent way too much on this stuff and that if I do manage to lose weight, I’ll have to start my wardrobe all over again. Totally worth it.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Sunday Coffee – House Update 1

Posted on June 10, 2018 by Thistle

I figure I should chronicle the craziness here, as a way of keeping myself from going insane. Things that happened since last Sunday (another warning of LONG):

1 – The roofing company indeed fought, saying that none of this was their responsibility. We called the contracting people from USAA that put us in contact with them as a guaranteed company. After a three-way conversation, the roofers said they’d come out to our house with a third party roofer to all discuss with us the damage and what might possibly their part in it. They were supposed to come out on Monday, but never showed, and when we called, they said maybe Tuesday.

Continue reading →

Posted in Personal | Tagged , | 6 Comments