Wellness Wednesday #7: Changing Perspective

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Thistle

buttonContinuing last week’s theme: Perspective is an ever-changing thing, and it’s good to apply that truth not only to how we see our bodies, but the way we see our situations. In my case, I’ve been looking back a lot at my previous weight-loss journey. I’ve disparaged it quite a bit over the last few months, and it’s true that there were negative parts. Using shame to motivate. Impatience, especially after insomnia and injury slowed me way down. Over-training and under-eating at times due to impatience. Dissatisfaction with my met-goals and continually striving to do more instead of celebrating my achievements. At the same time, there was a lot of positive in my journey, and I need to acknowledge that, too.

  • I decided against weight loss surgery** and extreme diets. I chose to lose slow and steady. Yes, that made me impatient at times, but I usually curbed over-training and under-eating quickly, before they got out of hand.
  • My focus was on increasing the amount of produce in my diet, exercising regularly and consistently, sleeping more, listening to my body, and practicing moderation and balance. My goal was not to get skinny, but to look and feel more like myself, more comfortable in my own skin.
  • While I didn’t always succeed in loving my body, I did try for body positivity as early as the summer of 2011, when I wore shorts every day despite self-consciousness, in order to gain confidence. Exposure is my weapon of choice in the war against my body-hate, whether that means wearing a bikini at the pool all summer or posting publicly about scars/stretchmarks.

bikiniSo no, I wasn’t always perfect, but what weight-loss journey is? I’ve heard of all-bad journeys. I knew a girl once who lost 160 lbs in nine months by exercising 5+ hours a day and eating under 1000 calories per day. By the end, she looked like a skeleton, and a sick skeleton at that. I didn’t do that to myself. My motivations and methods weren’t always great, but I at least tried to do things in a healthy, sustainable manner. Mine was a mixed journey, possibly balancing out more on the positive side than the negative. It’s time to stop disparaging it.

True Confessions
Truth: It’s way too easy to blame your past-self when bad things happen, but “easy” does not make it “right.” The chaos of the last eighteen months did not come solely from the negative aspects of my weight-loss journey. I can’t blame my old-self entirely, like I’ve been doing lately. Some of it was related to my mentality on my first journey, sure, but the rest was a perfect storm of many factors that crushed the little body positivity I’d managed to gather after decades of self-loathing.

Second truth: I never could see how thin I’d gotten, and that was a significant factor in how easy it was to regain weight. Last week, I said that 155 lbs looked fat when I was there, and it did. All the pictures of me in this post are within a pound or two of 155 lbs – right on the border between a healthy BMI (154 lbs) and overweight (155 lbs). I tried to see my progress, but all I could see was how much further I had to go, how much thinner I used to be (back in my late teens and early 20s). I saw back-fat and puffy arms and thick thighs. I saw scars and stretchmarks and loose skin folds. I didn’t see anything but imperfections.

collage 1When I recently went through my clothes KonMari style, I was struck by how TINY some of those clothes were. My favorite pair of jeans? How the heck did I fit into those, and comfortably at that? Some of those shirts look like they’d fit a ten year old. If I didn’t remember wearing them, if I didn’t have picture-proof, I wouldn’t believe they’d ever fit me!

collage 2The pictures, too, blow my mind. When I was looking at these in the moment, all I could see was the imperfections. I noticed my wide shoulders – that’s bone structure, silly! – but not the size of my waist. That sort of thing. I was too close to see the bigger (or smaller, really) picture. That whole forest-and-trees deal.

*****
Dear younger Manda,

Each time you don’t appreciate your successes, each time you don’t really see yourself honestly, you set yourself up to fall apart. Being happy with yourself does not equal being complacent. Acknowledge yourself. Learn from past mistakes. Stop the mental cycle. Only by stopping the mental cycle can you stop the physical one.

Love, modern-day Manda

**I am not making any negative statement about weight loss surgery here. It would not have been a healthy choice for me, but I know that it is a healthy (and necessary) choice for certain people and situations. Some of my very best friends have gone this route, and I completely respect, support, and agree with their decisions. I also know WLS isn’t an easy fix, nor am I implying that it would have been an easy fix for me. But at my age, and in my health, and in my situation, it would not have been a healthy choice, and I chose to go a different route, which I consider a positive aspect of my journey.

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Top Ten Authors to Work With

Posted on October 13, 2015 by Thistle

Technically, today’s topic is “author duos,” but I was struggling with the topic, and that made me think – hey, I’m a writer, and there are authors I’d LOVE to write a book with…so this is kinda like author duos, right? Because I wouldn’t want to write a book with just any author…and it would blow my mind to be paired with any of these people…

Dragons1. Brandon Sanderson, because he’s probably the most awesome writer I’ve ever known and not only do I love his books to pieces, he’d be fun to work with as well. Plus, he speaks about writing the way I think about writing. I know I could learn so much from him!

2, 3, 4. Speaking of “fun to work with,” let me add Maureen Johnson, Maggie Stiefvater, and Laini Taylor to the list. Actually, we can just make this a fantastic author quad.

5. Nail Gaiman, because while I don’t always love his books, I think he has an amazing imagination and would love to learn about the way he brings that imagination to the page.

yawfle6, 7. Lucy Knisley and Edward Gorey would both be awesome to work with on visual projects, whether it involves graphic novels or just illustrated novels. And yes, I know Gorey is dead and that’s a wish that can never come true.

8. Rainbow Rowell, and I’m not even sure why, but she seems like a great person to do a back-and-forth, two-perspective kind of book with.

9. Erin Morgenstern, mostly because I adore her writing and find her very inspirational.

10. Diana Wynne Jones, another wish that can never come true. Like Gaiman, I think this woman has an incredible imagination and I would love to understand more about, and become part of, those processes.

I know not all of my readers are writers, but if you were collaborating with an author – any author, living or dead – who would you pick?

topten

Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish.

Posted in Book Talk, Writing | Tagged | 3 Comments

The Hollow Boy, by Jonathan Stroud

Posted on October 12, 2015 by Thistle

the hollow boyLockwood & Co. are still on the case(s), this time trying to contain one of the largest sources of supernatural outbreak since the Problem began. Only now, the team is disjointed. Business has been booming, the team is split up more often than they’d like, and they’re living in a pigsty with no time to clean. Enter Holly, a new assistant meant to field calls, set up appointments, clean house, and (in a pinch) come out on assignments with the others. With this newfound efficiency, however, Lucy (our narrator) feels shoved aside and discarded, unappreciated and patronized. This helps no one when it comes to the Problem.

I love these books. I’m so glad I stumbled upon the audio version of The Screaming Staircase, and only wish I’d been able to get my hands on audio versions of The Whispering Skull and this book. Audio or not, the book was fantastic. Captivating, dragging me along pleasantly, breaking me out of my reading malaise. It was awesome.

Doubly awesome was the set up of a longer arc in this book. I have no idea if this series has a planned end, or if it’s just going to keep going as long as people are reading it. Either way, this is the first time there seems to be a long-running series arc rather than individual book arcs (though of course it had that too). I’m excited to learn more about the Problem and about ghosts in general, and I hope that grows even more in further installments.

One more thing to note: These are middle-grade books, and I rarely read middle-grade because I’m well beyond the target audience and I find many of the tricks/writing styles too young for me. That is not the case with this series. The Screaming Staircase had me freaked out and in chills a few times (it was an excellent audiobook). The Whispering Skull wasn’t quite as good, though I admitted at the time this was probably my disappointment over not having an audio version, and it was still very good, not at all too young. The Hollow Boy was extremely creepy in places, flesh-crawlingly creepy, and none of these books have felt like they’ve been cut shallow or young for the audience. There’s a lot of very interesting psychology and philosophy and the things you’d find in older books, but still light enough to work for kids. It reminds me, in some ways, of Diana Wynne Jones’ style of making her books all-ages appropriate, and I really appreciate that. That’s hard to do, and Stroud does it very well. Thumbs up!

Reread via audiobook in May 2016: Emily Bevan reads the audio of this one, and just like with The Whispering Skull, I had to adjust to entirely new voices for all the characters. This is probably my least favorite of the audiobooks. It wasn’t bad, but the characters were different from how I hear them, much younger (especially George, who sounded about nine years old here).

Posted in 2015, 2016, Children's, Prose | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sunday Coffee – Sometimes, I just want spoilers.

Posted on October 11, 2015 by Thistle

IMG_2396Recently, I skimmed through a book. I can’t say I read it, even though I looked over every page and pretty much followed the plot. Reading it would have been excruciating. The writing, characterization, and plot “twists” were…um…awful. And no, I won’t say which book it is, because I have no intention of writing a semi-review lampooning a book I didn’t even fully read. The only reason I write this at all is because the entire time I was skimming it, I kept wishing I had a place to go online, some sort of book database, that outlined the whole plot for me, spoilers and all.

There’s a whole range of feelings on spoilers in the book world, from one extreme of wishing to know absolutely nothing about a book to the other extreme of wanting to know the whole plot before reading. I fall somewhere in the middle. Generally, I avoid major spoilers, but like to have a little bit of an idea what the book is about before beginning. Sometimes – like when I read Jane Eyre for the first time in my late 20s knowing absolutely nothing about the twists – it’s awesome to read a book spoiler-free. And sometimes, like with the book above, I wish wish wish there was a blog out there devoted to outlining entire plotlines.

spoiler

I would love to have outlines of the fourth and fifth Song of Fire and Ice books, for instance, because I don’t actually want to read either – I just want to know what happens. There are books, like the one I skimmed this week, that have a somewhat-interesting story but the writing or characters drive me crazy. Sometimes a book is so portentous that I’m afraid to read forward, but still want to know what happens. Sometimes, I just want the damn spoilers!

Anyone else feel this way? Anyone?

Posted in Book Talk | Tagged | 9 Comments

October Tarot

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Thistle

At the beginning of every month, I do a tarot spread. I don’t view tarot as a future-reading device, but more of a way to sort out the thoughts I’ve been turning over. Sometimes I ask a more specific question, sometimes more general. For years now, I’ve used the Medieval Scapini tarot deck for my spreads, and generally use a Celtic Cross layout. Sometimes I have a general idea of what the cross tells me, and at others, it only partly makes sense. Often, I’ve found that I have to make extremely tenuous connections between the cards. Additionally, beyond a few cards that are ones I know well, I generally have to look at the manual for meanings, even though I’ve been reading tarot and using this particular deck for fifteen years.

This month, I decided to do something different. I mentioned recently that Jason got me the Raven’s Prophecy Tarot when it came out in September. I decided to do my October spread using this new tarot deck, as well as in a new-to-me layout outlined in the manual. Stiefvater said she began using this layout because she struggled with the Celtic Cross. Since I also struggle – and my first attempt to read these cards, using the Cross, failed miserably – I tried the new layout.

np

I’m not going to go into too much detail about the layout itself. I’ll leave that for you to read on your own, if you’re interested enough in tarot to do so. Instead, I want to talk about my experience with October’s spread. Spoiler: This was the most illuminating and emotional spread I’ve ever done with tarot, and after bawling my way to clarity, I will never go back to my old way of doing things.

Query: Now that I have basically pulled myself out of multiple situations that were leading me nowhere, I have no idea what to do next in terms of career and path. Should I focus on my writing? Should I pick a different career and launch into studies? Should I go back to school? Should I get an unimportant job just to earn some extra cash and wait to decide? In other words, I have no idea what the heck to do next, and I need some guidance and clarity.

Answer: I am in a place where I have just stepped back from everything (Six of Swords). I have no idea what will happen next (Wheel of Fortune), whether it will be bad or good, and frankly, I’m terrified, which is why I’m searching (aka scrambling) for what to do next. My conscious mind is focused on study and hard work, on getting things done (Page of Cups). Additionally, this card is personally associated with a specific fictional character of mine, Neal, and further indicates that my conscious mind is preoccupied with writing. This makes sense, given that NaNoWriMo is almost upon us, I haven’t written a word in months, and I feel very trapped by my inability to write right now. Directionless there, too. But my unconscious mind is begging for rest and respite, and time to deal with all the pain and inner turmoil I’ve had to neglect this past year (Four of Swords).

Answering this question on my own, I believe the only way out is through, and that I should just push on, no matter what it costs me (Nine of Wands). If I stop to focus on myself, on feeling safe and loved and comfortable in my home, on my relationships with my children and spouse; if I allow myself to be still and directionless and okay with those things (Queen of Coins), I feel like bad things will happen. However, I cannot move forward, not truly, until I look inside and address the dark and hidden parts of myself (The High Priestess). I must embrace my unconscious, which as I stated above, is begging for rest and respite and attention to my emotional state. What won’t help, however, is locking myself away (The Hermit), which is what I usually do when trying to focus on my inner self. I must continue to exist in the world while nurturing that inner self.

The next step forward in clear. I’ve been too focused on the problem, on the query above, and not focused enough on my inner self (or, most likely, the people around me). I must change my focus to the emotional side, rather than the rational, external side (Knight of Swords). And if I can do this, I can return to a place where my past no longer holds me in a painful death grip. Memories will lose their barb, and retreat once again into the realm of nostalgia, into something I love instead of dread (Six of Cups). The past can be laid to rest, a loosening of the chains I carry, and then, I can move forward.

So really, the answer here only tells me that I’m asking the wrong question. It isn’t about how I should move forward. No way forward right now will help; all choices are equally unhelpful. I can’t move forward, not until I address and resolve my inner turmoil. And who knows? Maybe once I do that, the answer to my original question will become abundantly clear.

Posted in Personal, Wellness | Tagged | 1 Comment

An Autumn Bookswap

Posted on October 8, 2015 by Thistle

I don’t do bookswaps often, and when I have, I’ve experienced a range of results. Sometimes, I get a gift-sender who knows me personally and sends me far more than I expect, some really wonderful stuff, and makes me tear up from their generosity. Sometimes, I get kind-but-impersonal gifts from people who don’t really know me, which is also perfectly fine. And then sometimes, there’s the bare-minimum sender. Once, I got a package consisting of a water-warped mass market paperback of a random book and ten smushed and dried-out Hershey miniatures. Jason once received a swap from a guy who only sent copies of his own self-pubbed books… Um, yeah.

Mostly, though, I’ve had good experiences. I’ve come to realize, though, that I prefer to participate in bookswaps where I know at least the majority of people involved. I always feel bad putting together a gift based on someone’s list rather than list-plus-knowing-them-personally. This particular swap consisted of mostly people I know, though, and I decided to participate.

On Monday, I got my box. And I knew immediately – from the size of the box and the sender – that this one was going to be one of the awesome experiences.

IMG_2326

Oh, Adam – this was wonderful. Two books I really loved and have been dying to get a hold of (Fat Girl Walking and Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell). A book I didn’t know but which Adam though I’d be interested in because of my interest in gender and transgender studies (How Sex Changed: A History of Transsexuality in the United States). A beautiful journal that, to be honest, is identical to one I nearly picked up a few weeks ago before deciding I shouldn’t spend the money on it. A set of Slytherin stationary (!!!), complete with sealing wax (!!!!!). Coffee that smells amazing (can’t wait to try it), some of my favorite chocolates (the first of which is, um, already gone), and a coffee mug featuring Strength (a tarot card that is so very personal for me).

Seriously, I am blown away by this package. Adam went well past above-and-beyond, and once again I’m left with the experience of being so very touched by my friends and their generosity. Everything about this gift was perfect, right down to the fact that my kitties heartily approve of the packaging:

IMG_2331

Thank you again, Adam, and thank you to Allie for hosting this swap. Love y’all!

Posted in Book Talk | 8 Comments

Wellness Wednesday #6: Siclovia

Posted on October 7, 2015 by Thistle

buttonSiclovia: A twice-yearly festival in San Antonio that shuts down several miles of a major inner-city street and commands us to “Go play in the street!” In other words, this is a street festival of epic proportions. Thousands of San Antonians (young, old, and of the canine variety) come out to walk, bike, skate, run, unicycle, trikke, and dance their way down the temporary commuter street. Reclovias – like party spots! – are stationed along the way for fitness, dancing, water stations, games, face-painting, and all sorts of fun.

I’ve been attending Siclovia since it first began in 2011, but due to various circumstances (injuries, living in Boston…), I haven’t been since April 2013. Technically, since I’m still recovering from this sprained ankle, I shouldn’t have gone this time, but I just couldn’t miss it. It was so good to be back. Don’t worry – I was good. We walked about 3.6 miles total, over 2.5 hours, taking lots of stopping breaks along the way. So my ankle is fine.

IMG_2128 - CopyAs usual, we had a lot of fun. Jason and I both had our hair painted – though mine, of course, refused to show up, grr. I painted my hand turquoise and left a print on the children’s hospital board while the boys rolled giant dice and used the hula hoops and scarfed down tons of Clif bar samples. We all waved hello to the group of cyclists dressed as Mario, Daisy, Luigi, and Peach, complete with accompanying music. Ha!

My favorite part of the day, however, was the surprise received at the Humana booth. I took a body comp analysis there, which I’d also done the last time I was at Siclovia in April 2013. Back then, I weighed 40 lbs less than I do now (40.4 lbs exactly, according to the printout). And while the scale reflects this 40-lb change, the body analysis shows some interesting good news:

  • Of the 40 lbs gained, only 29 lbs were from fat. Over a quarter of my gain is from lean mass. Despite being obese, my muscle mass is well over the normal/healthy range. Yes!
  • The thin lady testing me said we had the same same body fat percentage (41%). Interestingly, when I was 40 lbs lighter, I was still at 33% body fat, so that hasn’t increased as much as I expected. In fact, back then, their recommendation was for me to lose another 21 lbs of fat while maintaining my lean body mass (LBM). Now, 40 lbs heavier, they recommend losing 48 lbs of fat while maintaining LBM.
  • I am extremely well hydrated, having 30 lbs more water in my body than the average person. I guess this means that if I was like the average person, I’d be almost as a healthy weight…ha! I’d rather be well-hydrated!
  • In the body analysis (split into five sections: one for each limb, plus torso), I used to be normal for lean mass in all five sections. Now, I’ve gained lean mass all over, and while my legs are still in the normal range, my arms and torso are all over the norm for lean mass. I gained 8 lbs of muscle on my torso alone! Yay core!

Given all this information, I decided to go back through my old data. The last time I weighed this much was four years ago, and I compared measurements. While my bust was the same now and then, every other measurement is significantly smaller. Arm, calf, hips, neck, thigh, and waist were anywhere from a half inch to three inches smaller. While my waist didn’t surprise me (abdominal surgery), some of the others did. My neck – NECK! – is nearly an inch smaller now vs then! So I must have done something right in the last 2.5 years, despite regaining 40 lbs. It certainly puts a new perspective on things.

True Confessions
fat155Speaking of perspective, here’s a funny story to share from my young, naive, early-weight-loss days. After I had Morrigan, I was disgusted by my “superfat” post-pregnancy weight –> of 155 lbs. (Yes, I know. And you know what? These pictures aren’t even from post-Morrigan. I was so horrified by my weight back then that I refused to take any pics at that time. These are after Ambrose, at the same weight.) For months, I dieted and pushed, and nothing happened. Ten months later, I suddenly dropped 20 lbs in about six weeks, like my body had just let go of a lot. This is not an uncommon occurrence for post-birth bodies, but of course I didn’t know that at the time. I was just relieved to be back in the 130s, and (sigh) dissatisfied that I wasn’t back in the 120s. I remember one moment vividly, when Jason and I were moving into a new place and going through our stuff to keep/dispose. I looked at the size 38D bras from my 155-lb days and declared, with both determination and disgust, that I would never be that fat again. Not sure whether to snort or bang my head on the desk here…

*****
Dear younger Manda,

Guess what? Not only is 155 lbs not actually all that fat, but you will one day be 100 lbs heavier than that! Those 38D bras will look impossibly small. You will come to realize that your body type actually looks best when your weight is in the 140s-150s, and that the 120s make you look sick and skeletal. I can see your slack jaw right now. Does this sound like a horror story? If so, it might be a good time to learn something important:

scaleroulette

Scale-roulette! Nearly 40 lbs change is spread out here…

Perspective is an ever-changing thing. At 255 lbs, 255 lbs looks fat, 200 lbs looks thin, 155 lbs looks too thin, and 135 lbs looks downright unhealthy. At 200 lbs, 200 lbs looks fat, 255 lbs looks too fat, and 155 lbs looks average, and 135 lbs looks thin. At 155 lbs, 155 lbs looks fat, 135 lbs looks average, 200 lbs looks too fat, and 255 lbs looks OMG HUGE. At 135 lbs, 135 lbs looks fat, 155 lbs looks… Are you catching this? Pretty much you simply feel fat no matter what size you’re at. Pretty much, your sight-perspective is stupid, and you should stop judging yourself on it. Instead, shoot for good health and body confidence no matter what the scale says. Trust me, this will be far less frustrating down the road, far less of a horror story, and will lead to fewer stupid-moments like the one described above.

Love, modern-day Manda

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Top Ten Series Quit

Posted on October 6, 2015 by Thistle

Today’s is an interesting topic, based on anything bookish you’ve “quit” (interpret how you like). I decided to focus on series today. This isn’t about series that I read one book for and never continued, but series I read a good deal into before deciding it wasn’t (or was no longer) for me.

a-game-of-thrones1. A Song of Fire and Ice (George RR Martin) – I loved the first two books of this series, but when I finally got around to the third, I was bored out of my mind. I thought maybe it was just the specific book. Unfortunately, I tried reading the fourth book with the same effect, and gave up partway through.

2. The Lynburn Legacy (Sarah Rees Brennan) – Perhaps I should have stopped reading after the first book, because I wasn’t expecting too much from the second. I got exactly what I expected from the second, and never went to the third. Just not for me.

3. Twilight (Stephenie Meyer) – Honestly, I didn’t mind the first book. The second book was beyond offensive for me on certain points, though, and I never read on. Never saw the movies (any of them) either. The Host, however, is one of my faves!

Beautiful-creatures-book-cover-image4. The Caster Chronicles (Kami Garcia, Margaret Stohl) – As with many of these series, this was a loved-the-first, disliked-the-next situation. I tried reading the third but decided it wasn’t worth it for me.

5. Wicked Lovely (Melissa Marr) – Again. Loved the first two, couldn’t stand the third, never went past that.

6. The Immortals (Alyson Noel) – Honestly, I think I just outgrew this series. I read the first two, and enjoyed them both immensely. Then my reading mood changed and I never went back. I barely remember those first two, so I’m unlikely to revisit.

7. Chaos Walking (Patrick Ness) – I’m probably the only book blogger out there who has never enjoyed a single book I’ve read by Ness. This makes me very sad, and I keep trying him. The first in this series kept me reading, and I thought I liked it…until I started reading the second and realized I was dreading every page.

A-Discovery-of-Witches-13505968. All Souls Trilogy (Deborah Harkness) – I wasn’t quite sold on the first book, but liked it enough to continue. Unfortunately, I got halfway through the very long second book and abandoned it. Just not for me.

9. Flavia de Luce (Alan Bradley) – This series was always very hit-or-miss for me, and when I started reading the fifth book, I realized I wasn’t interested in continuing any longer, and so I haven’t.

10. Thursday Next (Jasper Fforde) – I feel a little bad putting this one here, because it’s possible in the future that I’ll take it up again. I do like Fforde, and I loved the first two Thursday Next books. However, no matter how many different times and formats I tried The Well of Lost Plots, I couldn’t make it more than a quarter of the way in. Honestly, I think I just need some time away from Fforde, and will hopefully go back into the series one day with a fresh perspective. I really do want to continue this one.

What about all of you? Do you quit a series even if you’ve read a huge chunk of it? Which series have you abandoned?

topten

Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish.

Posted in Book Talk | Tagged , | 7 Comments

It Was Me All Along, by Andie Mitchell (audio)

Posted on October 5, 2015 by Thistle

itwasmeallalongGrowing up, food was Mitchell’s best friend and most consistent source of comfort. By twenty years old, she was up to 268 lbs, and went on a weight loss journey to lose 135 lbs. She was thin and physically healthy, but the journey had only just begun. She had yet to address the emotional impacts of eating and dieting, and her relationship with food and food-restriction. This memoir discusses Mitchell’s early relationship with food and weight gain, her initial journey to lose, and the ways in which she struggled to learn how to treat food and herself with balance and respect afterwards.

Amanda of Fig and Thistle mentioned this book to me back when I listened to Fat Girl Walking. I didn’t know much about It Was Me All Along going in, and got it into my head that this was more about body-positivity vs losing weight. I expected something more along the lines of Gibbon’s book, and that isn’t at all what this book is like. Don’t misunderstand – I’m not saying this book is worse, or better. Just that it’s different. Whereas Fat Girl Walking was a humorous look at the ways that fat stigma is rampant in our society, It Was Me All Along is a discussion of abuse, trauma, emotional eating, obsessive behavior, and psychological scars. It’s the sort of book that deserves a trigger warning in the beginning.

And I admit, at first, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to listen to the whole thing. Mitchell reads the audiobook herself, and listening to the sections about her father’s alcoholism and the verbal/emotional abuse inflicted on her family was stomach-clenching. Not graphic, but for someone who suffers from longterm trauma issues – even though they’re from an entirely different source – it was very difficult to listen to. I had to remember to breathe. I recognized similar patterns of behavior in my own past, even if my particular manifestations weren’t the same. The numbing of repetitive action, of using something outside me to deflect fear, pain, discomfort into a place that was solid and understandable, was familiar.

The earliest parts of the book were the most difficult for me, and once I passed them, I felt a little better. Much of the weight loss journey involved things I recognized from my own 105-lb loss. Similar struggles, similar fears, similar decisions and undertakings. The way a healthy behavior can deteriorate so fast into something obsessive and anxious. Interestingly, I don’t think that Mitchell and I are very much alike in terms of personality, but that only underscored just how much of the weight loss process remains consistent from person to person, regardless of what led us to the process in the first place.

My favorite part of the book was the short section toward the end when Mitchell discusses the surgery she underwent to remove the loose skin left on her belly and thighs. I had a similar surgery done nearly two years ago, though not as extensive, and what she wrote about her body afterwards mirrors my experience so exactly that I had to get a physical copy of this book from the library just so I could write down the quote:

Somehow, though, despite the visible scars, I felt more comfortable, more accepting of my body. There, in the mirror, was all that I’d worked for. I did it, I thought. Blemishes and all, it was earned, and it was mine. Removing the skin brought me closure. And I respected what remained.

Yes. This.

The book was wonderful, definitely making it into my top reads of the year, and I can’t thank Amanda enough for recommending it. I really hope to get my hands on my own copy soon.

Performance: Normally, I’m not a fan of audiobooks read by the author, but this one was perfect. Loved it. Highly recommend the audio in addition to the book itself.

Posted in 2015, Adult, Prose | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Sunday Coffee – September Slump

Posted on October 4, 2015 by Thistle

IMG_2310I just realized that I haven’t done a monthly wrap-up since May. Oops. Well, the run-down is easy. June mostly consisted of the non-bookish (ie moving across the country). July and August both involved a lot of moving in, arranging the new house (including KonMari stuff), and way too much reading. The end.

Unfortunately, the way-too-much-reading in July/August came to a screeching hanlt in early September. I finished The Girl at Midnight on the 8th and didn’t read a thing for weeks. Finally I finished a graphic novel on the 26th, but in between there, nothing. Definitely a slump, and I doubt it will end any time soon.

Usually, I don’t read a whole lot in the late, super-hot summer months. I enter RIP-season full speed ahead, ripping my way (pun intended) through tons of books in September and October. I crash at the end of October, and read almost nothing in November and December. This works out perfect for me, given that November is NaNoWriMo time and December is focused on Christmas and family. I’m not sure what’s going to happen this year, though, with my whole schedule having shifted back two months! I guess we’ll see.

Still, I didn’t mind my September slump. The supercharged reading of the summer – especially with the addition of dozens of books started and abandoned – left me with a desperate need for a little break from reading. And that little break gave me time to focus on other areas of my life. In being true to myself (rather than catering to the blog, as I’ve done in the past), I’m just trying to go with that natural flow. 🙂

Speaking of other areas of my life, I had a really wonderful experience this week with regards to my body-positivity progress. At the beginning of every month, I take front/back/side photos. Over the last year and a half, I’ve deleted a lot of them because I just felt awful about how much weight I’d gained. I beat myself up over them. When October 1st came around, I considered not taking them at all. My clothes mostly don’t fit well right now, and I didn’t want to beat myself up again. But I knew I’d beat myself up equally if I didn’t take them – even if I deleted them later – so I threw on some clothes, didn’t bother to do my hair or put on makeup, and took one shot of each, not really caring to take several shots to try to pick the “best.”

d 01 collage startI looked at the camera previews, just in case one was blurry or something, and was shocked. Yes, I’m fat. Yes, I’m back over 200 lbs for the first time in four years, at a weight I swore to myself that I’d never be at again. But you know what? I don’t look bad – in fact, my thoughts while staring at those previews were, “Damn, that can’t be me. I look good!”

Will I always feel this way? Heh. No. But that morning, I was doing a little dance and celebrating my obese body. Take that, inner-body-critic. Ha!

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