The Zen Leaf

Last weekend, we got an unexpected phone call from Morrigan. Normally he can only call on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He was feeling depressed because he’d been told that, since it was so close to the holidays, it was possible – even probable – his paperwork wouldn’t get processed until January and he wouldn’t be home until then. He’d really been hoping to make it home by Thanksgiving, so this was tough for him. We talked him through it and eventually got off the phone. I wrote to friends and family about the update and asked them to send him lots more letters.

Tuesday Morrigan and I had our normal twice-weekly conversation. Then on Wednesday morning, Morrigan called while I was driving home from dropping off the boys at school. He’d gotten his departure date. He’d be coming home the following Monday. As in, tomorrow.

This weekend has been about prep. His old room had been converted into Jason’s bedroom and office, and half the house has been packed away into the garage in anticipation of the upcoming move. Some of those packed away items include the clothing Morrigan boxed away to receive after boot camp. Whoops! So there was a lot of shuffling and digging around and adjusting. But since we’re all supposed to be moving in just a few weeks, and things will be better sorted after that.

Next steps are in progress. Morrigan has decided that since the military didn’t work out for him, he’s going back to his original plan, to go to college in Kansas. It’ll mean a lot of loans and student debt. He could go to a public school here in Texas for a lot less of all that, but he’s decided that his dream school is worth it. We’ve already talked to the school and are prepping to get him enrolled and housed for the spring semester, starting mid-January. And so we start again, back to plan, just a semester’s worth of a blip in the meantime. Morrigan will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, he can help us move next month, and he has a tiny bit of money saved up for the future. We wish him all the best in that, and really just look forward to seeing him safely home tomorrow!!

I didn’t mean to disappear this week, but it was one of those weeks:

Time change – I detest this time change. I always end up losing hours and hours of sleep for days, no matter how I prepare, and end up sluggish and unresponsive for a few weeks. I wish we could just stay at Daylight Savings Time year-round. I say this every year, of course. The good news is that I finally slept last night, and slept in quite late this morning, yay!

Car – My car, which is only a couple years old and has only 50k miles on it, went from fine one minute to not starting the next over the weekend. We had to get it towed to a mechanic shop that we trust. Turns out, I needed a new fuel pump for just under a thousand bucks. Oy.

House – We finished contract negotiations on the house we’re downsizing into, and all went better than expected. Yay! At least something is going well, right? Fingers crossed that our December 4th closing goes on as planned.

Quiet – Things have been so hectic for so long that I basically fell into quiet mode. I sat down a lot, doing puzzles or staring out the window, listening to some long audiobook rereads of favorites. There’s still a lot that needs to get done, but this week I needed some time to just sit, rest, disengage, go quiet for a bit. Possibly this might continue with regards to the blog. Between planning/packing for a move, prepping a house to sell, the upcoming change in our holiday plans, and anticipating Morrigan returning home at some unknown point, I might just keep listening to old rereads and staying offline. In any case, I should check in weekly, and I’ll be back at some point. I always am. If I don’t see you much before then, happy holidays to everyone!

I’m not sure how many more times I can pinball this year. So here goes:

On Wednesday, I posted about how distressed I’d been, especially not being able to check up on how Morrigan was doing at boot camp. That evening, we finally received our first letter from him. He was…not well. Sleep deprived, stressed, in physical pain, lonely, homesick, wishing he could quit, feeling like a failure, etc. He missed home so much, he said. He needed to hear from us.

I started having panic attacks that night. It was doing my head in, not being able to DO anything. I finally calmed my anxiety long enough to write a long letter, and to send his address to everyone I could possibly think of who would write him quickly. All four of us wrote and sent separate letters that night. We hoped a good bit of friends and extended family would send quickly, too, and within a few days, Morrigan would be flooded with positive words. The problem was that he’d written his letter on about Day 6 of his stay, but we received it roughly on Day 13. Letters back to him might not get there until Day 17ish. That’s a long time with no word and a lot of suffering.

I managed to sleep Wednesday night despite anxiety, but when I woke up and checked my phone, I saw that I got a call from an unknown number in Waukegan, IL at midnight. A lot of solicitors call from that area, but not usually at midnight. Waukegan is right next to Great Lakes, where Morrigan was stationed at boot camp. Let me tell you: there was Immediate Dread. Jason told me not to worry – if it had been an emergency, they would have called more than once – but I couldn’t help it. I could feel that something was wrong.

Mid-morning, Jason called me from work. Something was wrong. Morrigan called him, and yes, he’d tried to call me at midnight. He was in the hospital and was being medically discharged from the navy. He’d turned himself into the hospital when his thoughts turned dark and dangerous. The navy got him back on an antidepressant and will be sending him home in a few weeks, essentially with a zeroed out record so that he could reapply in the future should he want to (he doesn’t). He was worried that we’d be disappointed, but frankly, we’re just so relieved that he recognized that his thoughts were wrong and turned himself in rather than trying to tough it out and possibly hurt himself.

So life pinballs again. We don’t know what Morrigan’s next step or plan will be. I know he’s  discouraged, and that he feels like a failure, and that he’s frustrated that until he gets home, he can’t do any research or take any steps toward his new future. It’s going to be my job soon to try to help him move to the next thing, and to learn how to put these things into perspective. Wish us all luck!! We’re all going to need it.