Wellness Wednesday – Depression and Weight

Posted on December 13, 2017 by Thistle

For years, I’ve noticed a longterm trend with my weight as related to moods. When I’m depressed and have low energy, I either gain or can’t lose weight. When I’m happy and have high energy, I lose easily. Those seem like obvious observations, but they aren’t as straightforward or simple as they sound. For me, happiness and depression are dictated by energy level, not the other way around. Additionally, the conventional thought that depression causes gain or lack-of-loss due to overeating and decreased movement is not at all the case for me. I tend to fight my depression, because I live most of my life in this low-energy state, so I stay very active and am acutely aware of my eating habits during this time. Those things just don’t seem to make a difference, though. It’s like my metabolism just shuts down while I’m depressed, no matter what I do.

Doctors have tested me regularly for problems with vitamin D, iron, thyroid issues, etc and they almost always come back as “fine” or “normal.” Anti-depressants, while helping with the depression part, don’t do a thing for my energy levels, or for weight loss. And when my high-energy times kick in, they tend to do so in spontaneous, sudden changes, like someone has flipped on a light switch in my brain. I’ll be eating and exercising just the same as always, and then one day, I’ll just know that everything’s going to be better. I have energy and start losing weight easily, while doing everything exactly the same. Then the light switch flips off, and I drop back into the other state. For a time, these switches were attributed to a possible mood disorder like bipolar II, but eventually that was rejected by my doctors as well.

I’ve tried to look up metabolism and depression, but have found nothing other than the conventional thoughts I mentioned above. There’s also nothing I can do to force one of those light-switch moments to occur – they come at random and at very widely interspersed intervals. When my body is “off,” all I can do is keep pushing so that all the good habits will be in place when the light turns on again. And this is super frustrating. I wish I had some way of figuring out what is happening in my body – chemically, hormonally, whatever – to flip the switch.

In the years that I was losing weight (either easily or with difficulty, depending on energy level), I did discover one crucial fact: even when I was feeling good, a small amount of processed food (especially sugar) could cause almost immediate depression no matter what my mood had been prior. This wasn’t guilt-related. I don’t feel guilty having a sweet treat periodically when I’m mostly working and eating well. This was instead related to a complete drop in energy by the next day, often with difficulty in motivating myself to return to eating fresh foods.

I’m realistic. I’m not going to stop eating sugar completely. I’ve never been one for full-on deprivation diets as they tend to cause me to rebel with spectacular results. But decreasing sugar (and refined carbs that are essentially just sugar) as much as possible seems a good place for me to start, since I have PCOS and insulin-resistance. Perhaps that will help alleviate the depression, give me more energy, and have a good effect on my insulin levels. Maybe in the long run it’ll help me lose weight, too.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged | 11 Comments

Oathbringer, by Brandon Sanderson (audio)

Posted on December 11, 2017 by Thistle

Since this book is third in a ten-book series and is over 1200 pages long, a synopsis would pretty much be the size of a full review. I’ll just skip it, and if you’re interested in one, GoodReads has a tidy (though truncated) summary. Instead, I want to focus this review on my experience of this book.

I already knew that Oathbringer would top my list of favorite books of the year. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the book since reading Words of Radiance in early 2016, and I haven’t been this excited for a book release since Deathly Hallows in 2007. Favorite author, one of my favorite series…it had to be a favorite, right? I followed along with Tor’s weekly installments for months, eagerly reading Part 1 (of five) of Oathbringer. Nothing contradicted my expectations. The question, as I went into the full read of the book on the release date, was only whether or not it would surpass Words of Radiance in terms of favorites.

There is far too much in one of these books to process in one go. Like I said, over 1200 pages, multiple storylines, and beyond all the different plots wrapped together, there are the threads that tie together a great majority of Sanderson’s books. They all take place in the same universe, with characters that cross from one world to the next, new information from new books shedding light on things you read and learned years ago. I’ve said it before, but I love this interaction of worlds so much because, as a child and adolescent, this is exactly how I wanted to write, with all of my books interconnecting in some way. Sure, you can read the books without caring about Sanderson’s universe (called the Cosmere), but you can also dig into them and find all the little hints and theories and threads.

I’m part of this latter group, which means that multiple rereads are often not only justified, but pleasant. When I bought the book on release day, I picked up where the Tor installments left off. For three days, I binge-read. I didn’t want to go too fast and miss a lot, but I also knew that I would be rereading via audio afterwards. My experience of this book is two-fold, because the initial binge-read was very different from the audio reread.

When I finished the book the first time, I honestly didn’t know how to feel. Yes, I knew I loved the book, but there was so much to take in that I couldn’t really form coherent thoughts. Most of my scattered ideas boiled down to one thing: this book was HARD. Not hard to read or tough to get through, but hard emotionally, and on me personally. It dealt with some things that are particularly difficult for me to read about, like addiction and dissociative identity disorder. It was also a very violent, bloody book with a lot of morally reprehensible actions, often in context of war. And then there were just so many sad, sad, hopeless things that happened. I had this vague idea that there was a point where the book began to improve (emotionally), or ease up at least, but on first read, these were just impressions. A reread – a slower reread – was definitely in order.

Honestly, I went into the audiobook with trepidation. When you go through a book that is very hard on you, part of you resists going through it again. The part of me that wanted to experience the book in a better way won out over my hesitance. I began, and I listened over the next two weeks. This is where the truly amazing experience of this book came to pass.

As I said before, the book is broken into five parts. At the end of Part 3, lots of Bad Things have happened. There are some seriously depressing moments. Gut-wrenching, when you’re invested in these characters. This is the fling-the-book-across-the-room part of the story. Some interludes follow as they do after every section, and then Part 4 begins. And we just keep plodding along. Things go slowly, step by step, from Bad to Hopeless. Sure, there are some lighter moments throughout, but this is seriously like hitting a wall when you’re out running and continuing to push against it forever and ever and ever. Part 4 ends, and the story feels so hopeless that you don’t know how you’re going to make it to the end. Interludes, and then Part 5 starts…and more Bad Things happen. There’s never a break! It’s just boulders piling on top of you, one after another, for hundreds and hundreds of pages. It’s hard. It’s so well-written, but you’re just in agony for all these people that Sanderson has made you love so much by this point.

This doesn’t sound terribly appealing, does it? Here’s the thing, though: About a quarter of the way through Part 5, there’s a single moment of redemption and change and hope. And it’s such a huge contrast to the last 300-400 pages that it flips a little switch in your brain – or, well, at least it did in mine. It was like breaking through the wall while running and suddenly having your body feel amazing. Adrenaline and endorphins flowing all over the place. And it doesn’t end there, because that one tiny moment escalates into dozens and dozens of little turns, changes, and bright moments of hope. After all that darkness and pain and hopelessness, the reader is bombarded with possibility, sharp and fierce for the contrast. Don’t misunderstand – this isn’t some magical deus ex machina and then everyone lives happily ever after. There are still Bad Things. It’s a war, after all. But in the balance of hope and pain, the scales tip, and suddenly you can breathe again. Air feels really, really good when you’ve been drowning.

I’ve never, ever read a book that pulled off an experience like this before. I’m still too close to the book to fully know how I will feel about it – in comparison to others in the series – in the long run. At the same time, I know that it’s a truly brilliant work of fiction, masterful in every way. Difficult it might be, but I will definitely be revisiting Oathbringer many times in the future.

Performance: Michael Kramer and Kate Reading do a fabulous job, as always. I was particularly amused by the way they each handled the voices of the spren normally read by the other narrator.

Posted in 2017, 2018, 2020, Adult, Prose | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Sunday Coffee – A Very Unusual Week

Posted on December 10, 2017 by Thistle

It was the Twilight Zone in the Gignac household this week. It started on Monday when we received a large, unexpected check in the mail. Turns out, when we sold our house last fall, they calculated our closing expenses wrong and shortchanged us by quite a bit. Getting the check now is quite good news because:

On Tuesday when a package arrived. It was a package we expected from Jason’s dad, so at first this didn’t seem weird. True, it had those plastic bands around it like they have around very heavy boxes, but I didn’t think much about it. The box was supposed to have Jason’s wedding ring, which he’d accidentally left up in Wisconsin the last time he was there. When we opened it, though, the contents were weird: Two chocolate bars from Aldi – that’s exactly something we’d expect. A stack of six identical fridge magnets featuring a clutch of kids we’d never met – um…what?? A booklet entitled “The Essence of Jesus: Essential Oils and the Story of the Cross” – now I know Jason’s mom is religious and likes essential oils, but this just doesn’t seem her kind of thing… Lastly, no wedding ring, which was supposed to be inside a sealed envelope.

We called Jason’s parents, thinking maybe there’d been a mix-up in packages they sent, but no, they’d never seen those fridge magnets, the family featured on them, or the booklet (which had a note from the author inside). Best we can figure, the post office somehow broke open several packages and got their contents mixed up. This would be why we had plastic bands holding our box together. The contents we were supposed to receive were just the wedding ring and five chocolate bars from Aldi. We’re doing our best to locate the ring – I’ve spoken with the booklet author, Jason’s parents called USPS, Jason talked with Shutterfly (who made the magnets) – but so far, no luck. Likely we’ll have to get him a new one, sigh. (Which is why the windfall check mentioned above will come in handy! Well, for that and the water heater that began leaking this week too…)

Then there was Thursday’s snow. In San Antonio. Real snow. I put up lots of pictures on Instagram – it was just unreal. It never, ever snows here, and it had been in the 80s only two days before the snow came. The snow only lasted a night, and was gone by the next afternoon, but it was certainly a lot of fun. All the kids who live nearby were out on the streets shouting and laughing and dancing. Ambrose – the only one of my boys who stayed outside for long – helped build a trio of snowmen with some other kids. The entire city was blanketed for a short time. It was lovely.

So it really has been a weird week for us. Maybe the next one will be a bit more normal. And hey, maybe we’ll get lucky and someone will figure out where Jason’s ring got misdirected…

Posted in Personal | Tagged | 8 Comments

City of Miracles, by Robert Jackson Bennett

Posted on December 8, 2017 by Thistle

Since this is the third book in a series, I don’t want to give a synopsis and spoil previous books. A few quick details: This installment takes place nearly twenty years after the first book and follows Sigrud (a side character from both previous books) as he avenges a murder and then gets involved in a plot involving the children of divinities.

Again, to avoid spoilers, I’ll keep this review short. This was a very satisfying end to the series. This book had more in common with the first, but its own unique elements as well. I liked seeing the progress of characters, cities, and culture over time. This one is bloodier and more gory, but I would’ve guessed that given that Sigrud was the primary narrator, and it was never so gory that I got turned off. I particularly enjoyed some of the more philosophic conversations that sprung up in dealing with divine creatures again. There were a lot of parent-child relationship issues that reminded me of some of the classics I’ve read (like Fathers and Sons), where the adolescent child believes they have all the answers while unknowingly repeating all their parents’ past actions (both good and bad). (How many of us with teens have seen that firsthand?) And then the series offers a nice, ambiguous note, simultaneously hopeful and ominous: People will be people, regardless of whether or not divine powers are involved. Yes. I approve.

Also, the audiobook version continued to be great.

Posted in 2017, Adult, Prose | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Wellness Wednesday – The Problem With Calories

Posted on December 6, 2017 by Thistle

Whether or not it’s an easy thing to do, the generally accepted theory of weight loss is that the calculations are simple: eat less than you burn and you’ll lose. Calories in vs calories out and all that jazz. While actual numbers are disputed, you commonly find the equation of 3500 calories = one pound, so to lose one pound per week, you want a deficit of 500 calories per day. A simple equation that is often difficult to follow through due to many factors (often attributed to personal willpower). Setting aside that the whole willpower argument is complete bunk and that hormones, quality of food, and many other factors will influence how well a person can maintain a deficit, the equation is equally bunk. At least for some of us.

My weight loss journey began in 2009 but didn’t really get started until 2011. Something clicked that year. At first I fumbled around while still managing a little loss, and then I stumbled onto Sparkpeople and calorie ranges. I began counting calories for the first time in my life. (Well, except for counting “points” like on Weight Watchers.) For months, the equations and calculations all worked. I was never a fast loser, but I dropped 4-6 lbs per month for the first 8-9 months of 2011. Then I hit a wall.

Two things happened around that time. One of my stupid feet started acting up constantly, so my body began to deal with injury. I also developed severe insomnia. It’s impossible to say if either of these factors or if something else entirely caused my wall. But all of a sudden, despite continuing with deficits and healthy eating and the same amount/kind of exercise, my weight loss cut in half. My loss slowed to 2-3 lbs per month. (Note that this wasn’t because I’d dropped weight and so my deficits were suddenly less than before. My daily burn had been consistently updated to reflect my new weight.) This slow loss persisted for well over another year and another 40 lbs, until I hit the 100 lbs lost line. Then I hit another wall, and bam, no more weight loss, period.

Some might think that I’d hit my body’s ideal weight, but the truth was, by BMI scales, I was still overweight. Not by much, and I had enough muscle mass that I don’t really think I was overweight. But I still had a good 30% body fat. I was not overly thin. None of that mattered, though. I started tracking data very carefully, and while I was logging a weekly calorie deficit of 2500-4000, I could only maintain. I experimented – maybe I was eating too much and needed a push to get my body going, or maybe I was eating too little. When I ate less for a few weeks in a row, I gained weight. When I ate more for a few weeks, I maintained. My body simply said nope, not going to budge no matter what you do to me!

Fast forward to today. It’s been 3.5 years since back then, and I currently weigh 70 lbs more than I did then. I’m well back into the range of weight where I was losing easily. But my body hasn’t changed the way it reacts to calorie deficits. I’ve been trying to go slow, very very slow, and I’ve kept careful track for the last few months. In October and November, I had a total deficit equaling about 5 lbs of weight loss. You know how much I’ve lost? Nothing. I keep fluctuating within the same three pounds I’ve been at for the last nine months. I’d have to be off in my calculations by 300 calories per day – every day for two months – in order to explain the lack of change, and I know that’s wrong. I’m very, very good at tracking when I actually do it. Obviously, this calories in vs calories out thing just doesn’t work for my body.

So I’m back to the drawing board. I’m taking this data to my doctor (I think next week?) to see what he says. Maybe he can figure out what’s wrong or what needs to change in order to get me to lose. Honestly, I can imagine that there won’t be much – this is how PCOS works. But I’m not willing to give up. I’ll have to find some way to eat better for my body, and feel better when I eat.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , | 21 Comments

Top Ten Bookish Settings to Visit

Posted on December 5, 2017 by Thistle

I adore when books make a new world (either fantasy or real) come alive! Here are some of my favorites, places I’d love to visit – though only if I could be a passive observe on some of these!

1. Hogwarts – Who wouldn’t want to visit the wizarding world?? (from Harry Potter, of course)

2. Caverna – An underground world with magical creations! (A Face Like Glass)

3. the New Mexico desert – Willa Cather made this world come alive. (Death Comes for the Archbishop)

4. an elephant sanctuary – because I just adore elephants so much (The Nature of Jade)

5. 19th century Paris – I’ve been to modern Paris. Would love to see this older version. (Les Miserables)

6. R’Tan – A fascinating world where children and person-sized birds bond so tightly they literally can’t live without each other. (Firstborn)

7. Joya D’Arena – A world where prophets are chosen by gems that appear in their belly buttons. (The Girl of Fire and Thorns)

8. Prague – Well, I’ve wanted to go there since long before books, but still… (City of Dark Magic)

9. Bulikov – A city of staircases that end in random places in the air, going nowhere? It would be fascinating to experience. (City of Stairs)

10. Scadriel, Sel, Nalthis, Roshar… – Or pretty much any of Brandon Sanderson’s intricately creative other worlds – as an observer only!! (Mistborn, Elantris, Warbreaker, Stormlight Archive)

What are some of your favorite worlds/settings?

topten

Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish.

Posted in Book Talk | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Sunday Coffee – Dishwasher, and such

Posted on December 3, 2017 by Thistle

You know you’re a boring grownup when the most exciting thing that happens in a week is getting a new dishwasher. Heh. Okay so it wasn’t the MOST exciting thing, but it was a high point this week! The dishwasher that came with this house had to be at least 20 years old and didn’t clean anything unless you pretty much washed the dishes before putting them in. We got a good Black Friday deal on a new one and it was installed this past Thursday. So we have a decent dishwasher again. Woohoo! Fun adulthood! (Though seriously, it does eliminate a LOT of stress and work, and that’s always good.)

Also from this week: Morrigan was accepted into National Honor Society (this was actually the most exciting thing – I’m looking forward to his induction ceremony this upcoming week), I made it to my writing group for the first time in about a month, we finished getting the Christmas decor up inside, Gavroche learned how to fluff-and-twitch his tail like the squirrels he watches outside, I wore my cute new kitty socks –>, and I finished listening to the audio version of Oathbringer. All highlights, all things to focus on so that I become entirely smushed by the terrible things happening in our country right now. (Or by the idiots who leave stupid comments, one of which riled me up so much this week that I actually posted about it on FB, when I normally try to just walk away for my mental health.)

It’s December. Just a couple more weeks to go until the new year. Breathe.

Posted in Personal | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Bedspread

Posted on December 1, 2017 by Thistle

I haven’t been crocheting much this year. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that when I crochet often, I get a lot of pain in my right shoulder blade. I imagine this is because I’m working the muscles in that arm while doing nothing in my left excepting holding yarn in place. It’s too bad I can’t switch arms periodically. Anyway, when I moved back to Texas this summer, I splurged on some Caron Cakes yarn. This yarn came out right after I moved to Wisconsin, and in our rural area, there was only one store that sold yarn (and not the Cakes). I had been longing to get my hands on some Caron Cakes for over a year, hence the splurge. But what to build?

Another discovery from the last two years of yarn art: I dislike sewing. My longterm afghan project is temporarily on hold because it involves hand-sewing over 400 squares together. UGH. Not fun. But I did want to make an afghan or bedspread, and this seemed like the perfect yarn for it. I found a fun non-traditional granny square pattern and fashioned six gigantic squares from six different Cakes (Cherry Chip, Pistachio, Strawberry Trifle, Bumbleberry, Fruit Cake, Faerie Cake). I wanted the colors to work well together but to also contrast, like the different seasons in a year or some such thing like that. Then I chose a color that worked well with all six Cakes, bought a gigantic skein of yarn (Loops & Threads Impeccable in Aran), and worked a few rounds around each square. I used a braided technique for crochet-joining the squares (no sewing!!!) that I found at Crochet 365 Knit Too.

All connected, the joins worked well, though I ran into two problems. 1) My giant skein of yarn – 858 yards! – was about one yard too short. Thankfully my son had a skein that was nearly the same color and only slightly different in texture, so I fudged half of one side of one square. You can’t tell unless you know where to look. Whew! 2) My initial single crochet edge was too tight, causing the squares to pull at the corners. After the braid join, this led to wavy edges, longer corners, and bunched up sections where the corners met. Unfortunately, this is something that can’t be fixed with blocking. It’s simply an excess of yarn in places. I know what I ought to have done differently – and hey, if I had, I wouldn’t have needed that extra couple feet of yarn – but what’s done is done, and it’s pretty enough on a bed even with the wrinkles.

I’m satisfied, and I got the Caron Cake bug out of my system. Altogether the project took about two months. Considering the other afghan I’m working on has been ongoing for almost 18 months now, it feels good to be finished with a larger project quickly!

Posted in Crochet | Tagged , | 6 Comments

Wellness Wednesday – The Difference a Decade Makes

Posted on November 29, 2017 by Thistle

A few weeks ago, I looked back through an old journal from November 2007. I was looking for something particular – a doctor’s name – and didn’t find what I was searching for. Instead, I found many pages and passages of self-insults. I called myself fat, said my head looked like a potato, complained about so many parts of my body as well as my personal failings that obviously led to the problems with my body. It was a shocking thing to find. Yes, I knew that I didn’t like being overweight and that I struggled hard with body image, but I hadn’t realized just how vitriolic my self-language was at that time.

Near the end of 2007, I was frustrated with myself. Being overweight was a relatively new experience for me, starting only when I was pregnant with my third child in 2003/2004. My weight was still bouncing around due to illness, with sudden gains and drops, and I was frustrated with the lack of control. At the time of my journal entries, I was 20 lbs up from where I’d been six months before, and was straddling the overweight/obese line. I have almost no pictures from then, because I was too embarrassed by how I looked to take them, and in those I have, I now look back and see someone who may not be super thin, but who looked just fine! Yet I was calling myself names and berating myself constantly.

I’m honestly not sure exact when or how things changed in the last ten years. I currently weigh about 35 lbs more than I do in that picture above. I’ve spent most of the last ten years either overweight or obese. But I don’t sit around berating myself anymore. Actually, I don’t mind how I look. Sure, I could do with some improvement, especially as getting thinner would help my feet and hips not to hurt all the time. But see? That’s not a self-insult. That’s practicality. Now, when I look in the mirror, I’m perfectly okay with what I see. Maybe it’s just the familiarity of having been this size so long. Maybe it’s the surgery I had a few years ago to repair pregnancy damage to my stomach. Maybe it’s all the work I did on improving my body image when I was thin. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m no longer inclined to treat myself like a punching bag. Do I like every picture? No! Who does? Do I have days when I struggle and take issue with my body? Of course! The negative crap and the insults and the shame, though? That’s all gone. Good riddance.

Posted in Wellness | Tagged , | 3 Comments

The Scarecrow Queen, by Melinda Salisbury

Posted on November 27, 2017 by Thistle

I’m not going to summarize this book as it would give away spoilers from the previous two books, The Sin Eater’s Daughter and The Sleeping Prince. I’ll just say that this is the conclusion to the series, involving war, rebellion, alchemy, folklore, and sacrifice.

I’ve been looking forward to The Scarecrow Queen since I read the first two books in the series back in the summer of 2016. First I heard it would be published in March this year. Then the publication was pushed back to Halloween. Then Halloween came and went, and while the book finally appeared on store shelves, no audio version of it popped up on Audible. I’ve loved the audio editions. Amy Shiels is fast becoming one of my favorite narrators. But sadly, no audio has ever appeared. I don’t know if perhaps one isn’t being made, if perhaps the series hasn’t sold well enough to have one (boo!!), but I finally gave in about a week into November and bought a copy in print.

My reading of the book was a bit fragmented, for two reasons. First, it had been well over a year since I read the first two books, and I’d consequently forgotten some of the events, characters, and setup. It didn’t take me long to piece it all together. Salisbury does a good job of bringing readers back up to speed without the book feeling like info-dump. Second, I’d only ever listened to the books, so some of the words/names were new to me until I figured out how the spelling correlated to the sounds. Not to mention I really just missed having an audio version. Shiels really made this story come alive.

That’s not to say that this one wasn’t alive though! It started slowly for me – mostly because of the two reasons above – but picked up quickly. I loved watching Twylla’s growth over time, and once again I especially adore seeing an awkward, introverted, passive person as the primary hero of a novel. I also loved Errin, Merek, and Stuan, and the way the characters all figured out how to fit together in a mash of colliding personalities and leadership styles. Then there was Lief, one of the most ambiguous characters I’ve ever read. While the villain of the book – the Sleeping Prince – is pure evil on the level of Voldemort (something I tend to find less interesting in characters), Lief can’t be easily boxed and labeled. One of the best things about the series is that there’s no clear-cut answer about him and his motives.

The Scarecrow Queen was a very satisfying book and end of the trilogy. I really wish more people would read the series. I especially recommend trying out The Sin Eater’s Daughter on audio for a unique and well-executed story.

Posted in 2017, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments