Book Disappointment

Earlier this week I started a new book. It was a random Audible find that seemed promising. Supernatural thriller, narrator in love with a coworker for the last few years, also taking care of a younger sister confined to a wheelchair. It was an interesting setup with lots of tension – except a few chapters in, the coworker and sister both die. The narrator is left with no one but an otherworldly handsome supernatural creature that she hates but who will obviously eventually be the love interest. No.

I really liked this book in the beginning. The writing was fantastic. The pacing was great. The setup was interesting. The world-building was unfolding nicely. And then everything I liked about the book disappeared, and I was left with a typical YA paranormal romance plot that I’ve seen too many times now. It was like the author started writing one book, changed their mind for some reason, and then wrote an entirely new one. Honestly, I don’t even see how any of the setup was relevant. Why bother, if you’re just going to kill everyone off before the story actually gets started? And why would you make the focus of the plot synopsis all about characters who won’t actually be there for most of the book?

What a disappointment. I quit listening and returned the book to Audible. Thank goodness for their lovely return policy.

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Wellness Wednesday – October

October is one of those very contradictory months for me. With it comes great energy and a feeling of being hyper-alive. In feeling that way, I make a lot of plans, and then end up canceling half the plans because I’ve overloaded myself and feel terribly overwhelmed. This year was no exception. Things I signed up for and/or planned but skipped altogether:

  • the Animal Defense League 5K
  • Siclovia (a street festival here that I adore)
  • an autumn party that my cousin and I were going to host
  • Readathon
  • NaNoWriMo prep (since I’ve decided not to participate this year after all)

On the other hand, I still managed to have friends over a few times this month, throw a birthday party, visit with family I haven’t seen in quite some time, host a dinner party, crochet most of a bedspread, and head to a nearby corn maze with my brother and my good friend Stephanie.

<– There’s Jason and me in the corn. More maze pics at Instagram, if you want.

For the more introverted of my friends, you’re probably thinking…um, just the things you did is enough to cram into one month without the other half you planned…and you’d be right. It’s always this way for me. I just want to do All The Things in October, when the temps just barely start to change here and it finally starts to feel like fall. Might as well take advantage of the energy to do everything I can while I feel like it, right? Even if it means canceling a few things for my mental health along the way.

In anticipating November, I’m likely to take things a bit easier. As stated above, I’m not doing NaNoWriMo this year, so that won’t be the manic focus of my month. Instead I’m going to focus on my health goals, on finishing a couple in-progress crochet projects, on getting all the Christmas shopping done, on taking the family for a group hike, and on my most-anticipated book of 2017 (Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson, which releases on Nov 14th).

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Sunday Coffee – RIP XII Wrap-up

The time comes for another end to RIP. For this RIP XII season, I wasn’t sure what I was going to read. Something about this autumn – I just wasn’t feeling terribly inspired. I’m sure that has a lot to do with my brain fog. However, despite not feeling inspired, I did get a number of books read, and quite enjoyed almost all of them. In the order I read them:

1. My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix: a horror love-letter to the 80s that wasn’t really my cup of coffee

2. The Empty Grave by Jonathan Stroud (audio): the amazing end to a series I’ve loved for years

3. The Call by Peadar O’Guilin (audio): a surprisingly chilling book of monsters made even better by the audio performance

4. City of Stairs by Robert Jackson Bennett (audio): a delightful find of dark fantasy thriller to start a new series

5. All the Crooked Saints by Maggie Stiefvater (audio): dark historical fiction meets magical realism, religion, and folklore

Four out of five were excellent RIP books for me this year, so I’m calling that a win! No rereads this year, despite the fact that I keep swearing I’ll read the unabridged version of Phantom of the Opera one of these days. If I had to pick a best book of the bunch, it would be difficult – probably The Empty Grave simply because I’ve loved the series for so long, though All the Crooked Saints is a tough contender.

There are technically a couple days left of the challenge, but I have no more RIP books on my radar. (Except one that comes out on the 31st, and I doubt that I’ll finish that one in time.) As I’m unlikely to finish any books at all before the end of October, I’m wrapping this all up. Thanks again to our hosts, Andi and Heather, for keeping the challenge alive and kicking!

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The Lie Tree, by Frances Hardinge (audio)

Imagine a tree that grows only in the dark and thrives on a diet of human lies. When well fed, the tree bears a bitter fruit, and when eaten, the fruit shows visions of secret knowledge. Now imagine a young girl in the 1800s, dependent on father and uncle and brother and future husband for money and care, her scientific mind dismissed. Faith Sunderly is such a girl, and she is so desperate for her father to approve of her and acknowledge her ambitions that she finds her way to his secret lie tree, and continues to feed it after her father is murdered.

This summer, I read A Face Like Glass by Frances Hardinge, and it was one of the best books I’ve read all year. It’s hard, after reading a best-book like that, to delve into others of the author’s works, not knowing if they’ll compare. Compared to A Face Like Glass, I didn’t enjoy this book as much. On its own, however, it was a good book. It starts a little slow and doesn’t really pick up until after Faith’s father is found dead and Faith goes in search of the lie tree. After that, though, it’s a book to race through, with new twists and a big mystery to solve. All of that is wrapped up in the discussions of the time period: religion vs evolution, a woman’s place in the world, etc. And of course, there’s the idea of the tree itself.

The only way to feed the tree is to whisper lies to it, and then to spread those lies. The more people who believe, the bigger the fruit that the tree will bear, and the greater the secret knowledge gained by eating the fruit. Faith’s father wanted greater truths about God and where people really come from. Faith just wants to know who killed her father and why. And, perhaps, she wants to punish the people of the island they currently reside on for treating her family badly. And a small lie to get the things that she needs and wants won’t really hurt anyone, right? Not if it’s providing knowledge that will lead to the greater good? But can a tree fed a diet of lies really lead to the greater good? Will that greater good matter, in the face of the liar’s corruption of mind and soul? As Faith becomes enmeshed in a tangle of vines and lies and acts of violence, she has to sort out the truth – a difficult thing to do when the corruption of her lies has spread far beyond what she created.

This is the thing I’ve loved best about the two books I’ve read by Hardinge. She explores difficult questions with no clear-cut answers, and does so in a way that is integral to the story and characters. It doesn’t feel heavy handed or pushed on you, but instead a natural part of the book. Her books would make for fantastic book club discussions. And while I preferred the first book by her that I read, this one was certainly a good one as well.

Performance: This audiobook was read by Charlotte Wright, who did a fine job. I have no complaints.

Posted in 2017, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Wellness Wednesday – 5K Anxiety

Last Saturday, I was supposed to participate in my first 5K since moving back to Texas this summer. The 5K was to benefit the Animal Defense League, a no-kill animal shelter that I love (and where we got our first two kitties, Ash and Christabel!). Between that 5K and my son’s birthday party that afternoon, I accepted the sad loss of Readathon. I picked up my race packet a couple days before the 5K, and fell absolutely in love with the fantastic shirt they included. As the day approached, though, I grew ever more anxious.

There were plenty of reasons to feel anxious. There was a ton to prep for the birthday party and we would be cramming all that into a very tiny amount of time because of the 5K. My stomach hadn’t been doing too well during the mornings all week and I didn’t want to get sick while out walking. The location of the 5K was a place I’d never been, and I’m always anxious about going to new places for the first time. My insomnia was flaring badly and I hadn’t slept a full night in days. Etc.

But the night before the 5K, I tried to express all this to Jason and had a little ah-ha moment about the true source of my anxiety. I’ve done a lot of fitness events, 5Ks, walks, jump rallies, and more over the last eight years – but every single one I’ve done with friends or family. Sometimes we stay together on the course, sometimes we only hang out before and after. It doesn’t really matter either way. It’s just being there with someone else who is participating that wipes away the anxiety. Not even having Jason and the boys there for a cheer-squad (like I was supposed to have for this 5K) will help. I’ve signed up for a few 5Ks and such over the years that, in the end, I didn’t attend. If the non-participation isn’t due to weather, it’s always been due to my being alone.

Back in December 2012, I signed up for a mud run. A group of friends were all supposed to come, and every single one of them canceled last minute. I managed to swallow my anxiety and go, but it was a hard thing, to the point where I was overly obsessed with minute details like whether I was wearing appropriate clothes for mud-running and how I would deal with cleanup afterwards so that I didn’t destroy our car. I thought maybe I’d be less anxious once I arrived. Instead, I just felt worse. There were all these groups of people hanging around in matching outfits, and I was alone even when standing with Jason and the boys. This was an expensive run and a bucket goal of mine, and still I just wanted to turn around and go home. I ended up finding a group of people that day – the wife of a distant acquaintance of mine had a group that invited me in – and I enjoyed the run. At the same time, I still felt like an outsider just hanging on to strangers. I wished I was there with friends.

Long story short: I didn’t go to the 5K last weekend, and I realized something important about myself. Time will tell if I decide to work on my anxiety so that I can do these things alone, or if I’ll save myself the effort and just sign up for 5Ks with groups.

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All the Crooked Saints, by Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

From GoodReads: Here is a thing everyone wants: a miracle. Here is a thing everyone fears: what it takes to get one.

Any visitor to Bicho Raro, Colorado is likely to find a landscape of dark saints, forbidden love, scientific dreams, miracle-mad owls, estranged affections, one or two orphans, and a sky full of watchful desert stars.

At the heart of this place you will find the Soria family, who all have the ability to perform unusual miracles. And at the heart of this family are three cousins longing to change its future: Beatriz, the girl without feelings, who wants only to be free to examine her thoughts; Daniel, the Saint of Bicho Raro, who performs miracles for everyone but himself; and Joaquin, who spends his nights running a renegade radio station under the name Diablo Diablo.

They are all looking for a miracle. But the miracles of Bicho Raro are never quite what you expect.

Thoughts:

– While I loved the Raven Cycle by Stiefvater, I’ve had mixed experiences with her other books. Therefore, I didn’t know if this would be one of the good reads or not-so-good reads. I didn’t buy the book, but waited to get it from the library. Only then the library was taking too long, so I decided to change the audiobook from Audible. If it didn’t work out, I could always return it. Long story short: It worked out. I loved it. I will definitely need to get a physical copy for my shelves at some point.

– Back in 2009, I read Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. It was my first experience with very experimental magical realism, and I absolutely loved the book. I spent years reading other books billed as magical realism but they never had the same absurdist, hyperbolic feel to them. This book? It was like Like Water for Chocolate in its feel and texture. It’s the only book I’ve ever read that I would compare to Laura Esquivel.

– There’s a section of this book that takes place in San Antonio. Some authors make up things about a city when they set part of a book there. Some do research and find specifics from that city. Stiefvater fell into the latter category. Not only did I see touchstones that anyone who has ever heard of San Antonio could toss into a book, but I felt nuances about the city that would only come with some true deep research. Thumbs up.

– The actual plot/story of this book could have fit into a handful of pages. This might sound like a bad thing, but it isn’t. The plot isn’t the point. The point is the meandering expression of many, many stories and all the ways they relate, even if only tangentially. Imagine sitting down with an oral storyteller and having them relate a story. While they tell it, they go off on tangents about the backgrounds of all the characters. They tell anecdotes about side characters’ adventures both present and past. They personify animals and inanimate objects. They’re in no hurry to get to the end of the actual story but they always come back to it from time to time. It’s a glorious experience.

– Family. I don’t have a physical copy in front of me, so I can’t find the exact quote, but near the beginning of the book, it says something about “cousin” meaning something more for this family than in most families. That’s exactly how my family is – all tightly wound and close to each other, cousins growing up together. I know that’s not how every family is, but as I was growing up, I thought that it was. I related to the Soria family in this way from the very first scene, and I was amused every time someone’s father’s cousin’s ex-wife’s sister’s hairdresser’s uncle popped up to give advice in the past that had somehow rippled into legend.

– This book is all about hyperbole. There’s magic in the book – saints performing miracles – but the magic is almost metaphorical. If that were all the fantastical elements in the book, it wouldn’t be nearly as charming. It’s the narration and retelling of stories in such an exaggerated, unrealistic, magic way that really makes the book. Again, I don’t have a physical copy, but I remember a story about a character’s father. This father, at birth, was the weakest of his eight siblings, but he began lifting weights when he was five, and by the time he was fifteen, he could lift all eight of his siblings at the same time. Or there was the statement that was dropped right at the beginning about how a particular character’s parents had been dead for longer than he had been alive. Think about that a second. These sorts of stories and statements were dropped with complete casual unconcern, like statements of fact. It was utterly delightful.

– And this leads me to discuss the audio performance, read by Thom Rivera. He was perfect. He read all those casual hyperboles in a complete straight manner. He read the narration like an old fairytale or folk tale. In his reading, the narrator was a character just as distinct and real as any of the actual characters. I don’t know what my experience would have been like had a read the book in print first. I just know that the audio turned what I would say is a really great book into a phenomenal one.

Posted in 2017, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Sunday Coffee – Life in Photos

I tire of those memes that show up talking about how we’re all addicted to phones and so we’re not actually paying attention to the world around us. Looking at our phones does not mean we’re not engaging in the world. Maybe Jason and I will both look at something on our phones together while out on a date, some interest that we both want to research and discuss. Maybe we chat to each other via text while on different floors of the house because we’re both multitasking in order to make time for a movie or a game with the kids later on. Maybe my friends and I are all looking up pictures of our pets to share, or funny comics about a mutual book we love and want to share with each other. Staring at a phone does not equal not paying attention or not engaging. It’s just a tool for a different form of engagement.

Same goes for taking photos and videos. I love that my phone has a great camera on it. I’ve always been a photo-oriented picture. Long before digital photos were a thing, I managed to take 25 rolls of film’s worth of photos while on a six-week study abroad program. Did I always have my camera on hand, often staring through a screen at the things around me? Sure! Does that mean I experienced the trip less? Hell. No. In fact, having roughly 600 photos from that trip reminds me of all the things that I would have forgotten without the physical reminder. And now, with a digital camera phone, I can take as many pictures as I want without worrying about wasting film and having to develop the photos. I have thousands of memories to call up in clear detail at the touch of a button, and that is a lovely thing.

Back in 2013, I scanned and digitized all my physical photos. It was a massive project that took months and – again – was totally worth it. I set my photo library to be my screensaver and to have my favorite pictures rotate on my desktop. In 2015, I KonMari-ed my digital photo collection, paring it down to 6000 or so. (Think that’s a lot? I started around 15,000. Conservative estimate.) And this fall, I’ve launched another photo-related project to help me (and my family) get even more enjoyment out of these thousands of memories. I uploaded the photos onto a shared icloud photo album, and set them to randomize as my TV’s screensaver. It has been so fun to see my boys’ eyes light up when they see certain pictures and to ask for the stories behind them. Guests have been entranced when over for birthday parties, dinners, and gatherings. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard the words, “Oh I remember that!”

And thus the naysayers can continue to grouch about phones and pictures and all the rest. We’ll keep our joy regardless.

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City of Stairs, by Robert Jackson Bennett (audio)

From GoodReads: The city of Bulikov once wielded the powers of the gods to conquer the world, enslaving and brutalizing millions — until its divine protectors were killed. Now, Bulikov’s history has been censored and erased, its citizens subjugated. But the surreal landscape of the city itself, forever altered by the thousands of miracles its guardians once worked upon it, stands as a haunting reminder of its former supremacy. 

Into this broken city steps Shara Thivani. Officially, the unassuming young woman is just another junior diplomat sent by Bulikov’s oppressors. Unofficially, she is one of her country’s most accomplished spies, dispatched — along with her terrifying “secretary,” Sigrud — to solve a murder.  

But as Shara pursues the killer, she starts to suspect that the beings who ruled this terrible place may not be as dead as they seem, and that Bulikov’s cruel reign may not yet be over.

City of Stairs is the first book in a trilogy of cross-genre fantasy thriller/spy novels. I only heard about the series recently, from Michelle at That’s What She Read. The plot description was a maybe for me, so I went ahead and checked the book out from the library for further investigation. A few chapters in, and I went ahead and got the audiobook on Audible. The audiobook is 18 hours long – but once I began listening, I did so nearly nonstop for two days.

There is a lot packed into the book: slavery and revolt, the nature of divinity in relation to its believers, the importance of unedited history, discrimination against whole races of people, the motivations of humanity. You can read very deeply into the book for many philosophical discussions. Or you can read the book simply for the plot, which is full of action and twists and crazy things happening, both magical and not. The cross-genre aspect is fantastic, making the book part fantasy, part spy-thriller or detective novel, part literary philosophy. Since I enjoy all three of these, it was awesome to see them all working in tandem. I’d encourage people who like any of these genres to give the book a try, as it’s not too heavily laden on any particular genre, and can be read on multiple levels.

As for the writing, I was very impressed. The world-building and cultures and history are intricately planned and detailed (sometimes almost too much so, in places). The characters feel real and rounded and definitely not perfect, which you find too often in fantasy, but also not completely unlikable (too often found in thrillers). The pacing was very good, except in those few places where too much history/etc was given all at once. The conclusions to all the mini-stories within were satisfactory, and the book could definitely be read as a standalone if you don’t want to move to the next book. However, there’s enough setup for the next book to be lured in, and this combination of not-too-much-not-too-little is one I really appreciate. I don’t know if I’ll read on immediately – I might need some more brain time with Book 1 before moving to the second – but I will definitely be reading on.

Performance: The audiobook was read by Alma Cuervo, my first experience with her as a narrator. I loved the way she did all the voices. Each person was fairly unique in their speech and I could usually tell who was speaking even in long sets of dialogue with many speakers. My only complaint had to do with the recording, which seemed to pick up lots of swallowing and mouth-clicks. I don’t know if that’s due to the narrator, or something to do with the the edit of the recording. Either way, it made the performance a little less enjoyable, though I still plan to continue the series on audio because I liked the rest of the performance a lot.

Posted in 2017, Adult, Prose | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Wellness Wednesday – Eighteen Years

My oldest son turns 17 today (happy birthday, Morrigan!), which means that I’ve spent nearly 18 years as a mother (including pregnancy time). You learn a lot about yourself and about motherhood in that number of years. Here are a few that have been personally on my mind a lot lately.

Fat-shaming is common and accepted during pregnancy, even from medical professionals.
When I got pregnant with Morrigan, I weighed around 135 lbs – a perfectly normal, healthy weight for my height. I seemed to gain at the ideal rate throughout my first two trimesters, then suddenly began gaining tons of weight in the third. I wasn’t eating more or anything, just gaining more. One week, I gained six lbs or so between visits, and the nurse who weighed me then raised an eyebrow at me and said, “Been hitting the Ben & Jerry’s this week?” This is just one of many instances of other people commenting on my body – often in the negative – during this time. I can’t even enumerate how many other comments came my way over the course of my three pregnancies. It’s like having a baby in your uterus opens the floodgates to people saying whatever the hell they want to you.

Every body deals with pregnancy and the post-natal time differently.
As I said, I gained vast amounts of weight in my third trimester. Because of all the various medical professionals telling me that this was my own fault, I decided I had to “do better” in my second pregnancy. I once again gained ideally in the first two trimesters, only to gain massive weight in the third. By the time I got to my third pregnancy, I ignored all the advice. I didn’t gain a pound during the first two trimesters, so when I gained tons in the third, I actually had an ideal gain for the pregnancy. The same rules applied to labor and delivery (No, you don’t want me to wait until my contractions are five minutes apart because they’re four minutes long each and will never get that close) and post-natal weight issues (doesn’t matter how much I diet and exercise after birth, my body will not budge up or down until I hit some magical marker around 10 months post-delivery).

Not everyone enjoys being pregnant.
I hated every second of all three pregnancies. There was not one positive thing. And other than sciatica, I had relatively easy pregnancies – no morning sickness, no anemia, no major swelling, etc. And still, I hated every second. I hated trying to nurse my kids afterwards and gave that up fairly quickly, too. The sooner I could get back my body’s autonomy, the happier I was. I’m just not the pregnancy-loving type. And that’s okay.

Not everyone enjoys being a parent.
No, I don’t particularly enjoy being a parent. Sure, there are good times, and I’ve gotten a lot of joy out of my kids. I love them to pieces and treasure the memories we’ve created over the years. Not enjoying parenthood has nothing to do with whether or not you love your kids. This is something that our culture frowns upon. We don’t talk about it. People assume that if you don’t like parenthood, it means that you don’t like your kids or that you neglect your kids or that in some way you’re doing your parenting job wrong. Not true. For further discussion of this, I redirect you to Jennifer Senior’s All Joy and No Fun, which explains far better than I could the paradox here.

Not everyone wants to be a parent, including those who have chosen not to have kids and those who had kids anyway.
I love kids. Kids of all ages. I enjoy spending time with them. And I like giving them back to their parents afterwards. This is something I didn’t understand about myself when I got married and began having kids at age 20. Back then, I just knew I loved kids, and having spent a giant chunk of time essentially acting as a parent for my three younger siblings, I also figured I had a leg up on the parenting thing. But I was wrong on all accounts, and have since discovered that I’m one of those people who would have preferred lots of nieces and nephews rather than children of my own. (Ironically, my husband wasn’t sure he wanted kids, and then discovered that he loved being a parent…) Again, this doesn’t make me a bad parent – I love and nurture my kids, and do the best I can for them – and this is another taboo that I’d love to address in our culture.

Anyway. Those are some thoughts on this 17th birthday of Morrigan’s. Would I have done things differently, had I known myself better? Probably. Does it matter? No. I love and celebrate my son anyway.

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The Child Finder, by Rene Denfeld

Naomi is known as the “child finder” because she specializes in locating missing children. She has a connection with those children, because she was once a lost child herself. The time before she was found is a blank, though – completely wiped clean of trauma. Only now, she’s investigating the case of a girl lost three years ago in the Oregon mountains, and the particulars of the case are sparking her memory.

What this book is: an exploration of the psychology of a lost and abused child, both during and after their captivity. It’s gruesome and detailed, and involves things such as child sexual abuse, so be forewarned if that’s triggering for you.

What this book isn’t: clear-cut. Not every question has an answer. Not every connection has logic behind it. Not every bad person is fully bad, or good person fully good. Not every missing child is found alive, and not every missing child found alive is whole again afterwards.

My personal feelings: While this was a very, very good book, I regret reading it in some ways. Every day I’m bombarded with stories about the horrors going on in our country and around the world. To read more gruesome tales – even ones tempered by survival and the creative dissociations of a child – made me feel awful. I get it – these kinds of tales are awful, necessarily so if they’re to be realistic at all. Right now, though, I guess I don’t feel like I need more realism. I don’t need to feel any more hopeless than I already do. It was the right book, read at the wrong time, if that makes sense.

I wouldn’t want to turn anyone away from it. It was an excellent book. I wish I could elaborate more on what made it particularly excellent, but to do so would involve major spoilers. In the general, it goes back to my “what this book isn’t” section. There’s so much ambiguity and morally-grey territory, no quick fixes or easy answers. That’s what makes it so good. But it’s also what makes it so grim, so if you’re feeling like me about the world right now – hopeless and particularly vulnerable – perhaps this is one to wait until sometime in the future.

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