Yesterday morning, my mom sent a video to my sisters and me to tell us that our grandma was going into hospice care.
She followed that up by telling us we were shitty kids that didn’t care about any of our grandparents so obviously the news wouldn’t matter to us.
This is not an uncommon tactic my mom uses for “dealing” with her grief. But it took me until January this year – until I was almost 43 years old – to realize just how inappropriate and manipulative this behavior is.
It was the proverbial straw for me. I called her out on her behavior. Her response, late last night, was to deny all responsibility for her words. If I was offended or upset, she said, that was on me, not her. Again, not an uncommon response from my mother.
All of that makes the perfectly normal and healthy grief for a dying family member so much more complicated, and so much worse.
It’s ironic. All I’ve ever wanted was to be part of a large, happy family. I never realized that that was because my own family was abusive and dysfunctional. So there’s that.
Now, all I can think is fuck that. Fuck them. I’m done. And I can’t wait to move away from here.
The Zen Leaf 
I liked this, but to clarify that I don’t like the situation. I like your attitude because sometimes you have to speak your piece and let it lie. It doesn’t make it any easier though.
LikeLike
I basically said goodbye to many of my biological family members many years ago for similar reasons. While I do sometimes regret that I don’t have a larger extended biological family, I’ve never regretted that decision. Not once. Not even a little.
There’s a lot of us out in the world who have made our own families. We’re doing very well. So will you.
LikeLike
WOW. What an awful thing to say to your own children, especially when you’re grieving. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this toxicity. I’ve had to cut family members off because of their behavior, but I can’t imagine how painful that would be from your own mother. That sucks.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. I hope your siblings are there for you.
LikeLike
I’m so sorry to hear that.
LikeLike
Thank you all. I think it’s better not to continue to live in the delusion I’ve used to placate myself for the last 40 years, no matter how painful that is.
LikeLike
Pingback: Sunday Coffee – Y’all, this has become ridiculous by now. | The Zen Leaf