Sunday Coffee – 13 Years

Tomorrow is my 13th blogoversary, if you don’t count the weird transitions I went through between 2011 and 2014 due to many circumstances that I won’t go into here. I created my blog on Valentine’s Day in 2008 during a fit of major jet lag after coming home from Palestine, and wrote my first book review the very next day – marking, to me, the true beginning of my blog experience. The people I have met through blogging, both in person and online, have made a huge impact on my life, and blogging itself has been a wonderful experience in multiple ways. I don’t want to write a second post in two days that gets all mushy and nostalgic, though. Instead, I’m going to write up a few lists! Ha!

13 Random Excellent Books I Only Read Through Bloggers’ Influence

  1. The Unit by Ninni Holmqvist
  2. Germinal by Émile Zola
  3. Wine Isn’t Rocket Science by Ophelie Neiman
  4. All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior
  5. Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones
  6. The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick
  7. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
  8. Notes on a Scandal by Zoë Heller
  9. Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo
  10. Between Mom and Jo by Julie Ann Peters
  11. Lady Audley’s Secret by Mary Elizabeth Braddon
  12. Bellweather Rhapsody by Kate Racculia
  13. The Monk by Matthew Gregory Lewis

(header version 2009 – no, I don’t know where this photo came from)

13 Moments That Fellow Bloggers Have Touched My Life

  1. Kristen sending me my favorite chocolates as well as Guatemala Worry Dolls when I was very depressed/anxious.
  2. Being voted “best writing” waaaaay back when blog awards were a thing
  3. Bloggers making and sending (music) mix lists to me
  4. Bloggers sending international non-English Harry Potter books when I was collecting
  5. Being told that I was a “rock star” in the book blog world (you know, back in 2010 when book blogging was much bigger and when I was a full-on book blog, heh)
  6. Blog friends wanting/volunteering to read my manuscripts and offering critique
  7. Adam sending cards to my family – names all correct! – at random times, just because he’s kind
  8. Bloggers rallying around me in a private FB group during my trauma-year in Boston
  9. Bloggers also rallying around me after the Incidents in 2009 and 2010 (y’all know who you are! Love y’all!)
  10. Being told that I was the inspiration behind folks starting to run, losing weight, getting fit, hiking, etc
  11. Inclusion in book swaps and secret book-Santa swaps
  12. Reaching out to connect on other social media platforms, especially those who left blogging so the connection would be lost without this
  13. Finding inspiration in the things other bloggers do, whether that is running, writing, traveling, budgeting, crossfit, getting articles published, teaching, etc etc

(header: version 2010)

13 Bloggers I Have Yet To Meet In Person But Hope To Someday

  1. Bryan
  2. Allie
  3. Gricel
  4. Adam
  5. Lu
  6. Shaina
  7. Hannah
  8. Selena
  9. Becca
  10. Nancy
  11. Stephanie C
  12. Jennifer H
  13. Nan

(This is by no means comprehensive – just the first 13 who came to mind! Also, some of these folks are technically “former bloggers” but they 100% count!)

(Generic header from WP: era 2014)

13 Reasons I Keep Blogging

  1. It provides a creative outlet now that I’m no longer writing fiction.
  2. It helps me to sort through my thoughts better than a journal.
  3. Connecting with other folks, making friends and deepening friendship
  4. I love having a book journal to look back on!
  5. Y’all encourage me and push me when I’m feeling down.
  6. It gives me something to focus on when I’m anxious.
  7. Broadening my book experience to books and genres I wouldn’t have tried without y’all
  8. Learning about personal points of view I may not have encountered otherwise
  9. I really enjoy telling stories.
  10. It’s a good way to keep track of events, body-data, things my kids said/did, photos, travel memories, etc.
  11. It’s part of my identity by now!
  12. It’s been a (fairly) consistent part of my life for 13 years when many of those years were a bit touch-and-go in other areas.
  13. I still enjoy it, especially after giving up the more rigid aspects I once held myself to (pre-2011).

(a failed header attempt from 2017)

So…happy blogoversary to this little project of mine, named after a short story I wrote long ago, and which has endured moves, shutdowns, changes, and all manner of insanity over the last 13 years. Thank you to all the folks who have stuck with me all this time, and those who have begun to read in the time since. Love you all!

(current header: 2017)

PS – I think it might be time to change my header again. That photo is quite some years old now. I’m trying to remember how many headers I’ve been through since 2008. A half-dozen-ish? Either way, I’m thinking it’s time for a revamp. The current photo is a bit outdated.

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Galentine’s Day: The Best People

A few weeks ago, I went for a hike with two friends at a park here in town that I’d never been to. It took me months to get to that park. Agoraphobia had kept me from it for nearly a year, afraid of going to someplace I’d never been, in a parking situation known to be a bit fraught. My hiking friends – especially on the leadership team of my group – know about my agoraphobia, and one of the women I was with this day had gone out of her way to 1) take a photo of the parking lot for me so that I knew what I was getting into, and 2) scheduled the hike on a weekday when the park wouldn’t be busy. She had been so patient with me as I’d signed up and then backed out of multiple hikes at this park, and she helped me to get there.

(Nat and me)

Now, to someone else, this may just sound like friendship, but to me, this is Above and Beyond. All my life, I’ve been taught to rely on myself or my family for everything. When I heard of other people calling on friends for favors of more than a fleeting or superficial nature, I didn’t understand. I only had one friend that I would call on for larger favors, and I’ve known her for so long that she IS family. My kids have called her Aunt Natalie since they were babes, and the two of us couldn’t be closer if we were blood. Beyond that, I was just never taught about Friends. There was Family, there may be one or two folks of Chosen Family like Natalie, and then there were the friends who were in your circle but ultimately just of the casual variety.

(5k with Steph & writer friends)

In 2014, I wrote a scene in one of my novels that highlighted the friendship between three women during a time of crisis for one. The scene made me ache. At the time, I was going through severe trauma, moving cross-country while my marriage was falling apart at the seams. My entire support system was here in San Antonio, consisting mostly of family, and I had nothing and no one in Boston where I was going. I was also in the process of realizing that I needed something beyond family during a crisis of this sort. I’d made quite a number of good writer friends, including Stephanie (who I mention often), over the six months before my family moved, and between my family falling apart and leaving the small non-family support system I’d built up, I was starting – at age 35 – to recognize the value of Friendship. [At the time, I called it Tribe, but have since learned about the whitewashing and appropriation of the word, so I’ve stopped.]

(hiking friends)

Fast forward back to this hike a few weeks ago with two hiker friends, one of whom encouraged and helped me for months to get out to this particular park. While the three of us were out there, we discussed bringing different members of our family out to a hike with the group, and how some family members would be great, and others not so much. I tried to imagine my mother on one of these hikes, because she loves nature and I think she would love many of the parks I’ve visited. But she would hate being out with this group. I tried to puzzle out why in my head, because it was something I knew by instinct and couldn’t figure out exactly why. Til it hit me: my mom dislikes women and puts no value on female friendships. I’m 41 years old and it’s not like I didn’t know this about my mom before now, but it suddenly struck me just how much that viewpoint influenced the way I viewed family, friends, and friend groups for a big chunk of my life.

After writing that scene in 2014 when I was struggling so much, I began to turn outward (outside folks) instead of inward (family) for friendship. During my year in Boston, I formed an online circle in a private group on Facebook to help support me during that year of extremely traumatic events. I traveled down to SA twice that year to stay both with family and with friends – the first time I’d stayed with friends since childhood sleepovers – and Stephanie came up to Boston twice to visit and travel together. A year after we moved back to SA, I ended up in the emergency room with a swollen kidney, and it was Stephanie I called to watch my kids instead of one of my parents. I began to host friend gatherings at home (pic), from book clubs to brunch to super bowl viewings. Many of the in-town friends I had moved away for one reason or another, so I sought out new in-person groups, eventually finding my Circle in this hiking group.

They really are the best people. I can’t say that I’ve developed a friendship as close as that to Natalie (chosen family) or Stephanie (who is practically chosen family by now), but I’m experiencing a level of friendship between super-close and casual. A place I’ve had no experience with for most of my life. I have a whole circle of women who care about me, and who I care about. Women who bring each other birthday gifts just because, and host Galentine’s Day Secret Sister exchanges (–> that’s what I got this year!!), and offer their homes for trying a rowing machine or watching movies on the screened-in-porch…and take photos of parking lots to help ease the anxiety of one of the weirdos in their midst. The very best people.

This is a photo collage of (part of) the circle I surrounded myself with in the traumatic years between 2014 and 2019. This is pre-hiking group, and includes old friends, new friends, blogger peeps, fellow writers, people I met through weight loss groups, many who moved away, and people from all around the country. It’s by no means comprehensive, but as I’m sharing tales of the wonderful women in my life, they all deserve to be featured here as well. So to Nikki, Susan, MJ, Trish, Christina, Julie, Andi, Karen, Ceri, Amanda, Liza, Erin, Heidi, Kristen, Marcia, Sarah, Paula, Emily, Kim, Hannah, Ann Marie, all those mentioned above already, and the wonderful hiking friends that I’ve made over the last 14 months: Happy Galentine’s Day, I love you each and all, and thank you for all that you have meant to me these last seven years.

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Wellness Wednesday – Hiking Bingo

Hey look! I updated my Wellness Wednesday button for the first time in nearly six years, haha!

*****
Back in early 2020, I put together a Running Bingo for myself, based on official running events. (Of course, I had no idea that covid would essentially make all running events virtual from mid-March on, but hey…) While I haven’t been able to fill out much of that Bingo yet re: covid, I really enjoy the concept and decided to put together a similar hiking version for myself. Of course, there aren’t really “official hiking events” like there are 5Ks and such, so this is a Bingo that is entirely based on day-to-day hikes. They can be done individually or with others. The only rule is no category repeats – I can’t use one hike to cross off two different categories.

I can take as many years as I want to fill out this board, but honestly, I’m hoping to fill it out in a shorter time – potentially by the end of 2022 if travel resumes at some point. The categories, listed below, range in difficulty, and there’s no backdating previous hikes. This bingo started on Feb 1, 2021. I’ll keep track of individual dates on the list below, and periodically update this post with a larger photo of the board with hikes crossed out.

Complete: 25 of 25 – and done! Completed 1/12/22

  1. Family hike – 8/29/21
  2. With a friend – 2/21/21
  3. State park – 2/27/21
  4. Easy hike – 3/27/21
  5. Themed hike – 4/2/21 (wildflower!)
  6. Travel 3+ hours away from home – 9/26/21
  7. Journaling hike – 4/11/21
  8. New-to-me place – 4/3/21
  9. National park – 9/28/21
  10. Group hike – 4/17/21
  11. Winter hike – 2/15/21
  12. Double loop – 3/7/21
  13. Freebie – 4/21/21
  14. A hike with a picnic – 1/12/22
  15. Over a bridge or through water – 2/20/21
  16. A well-known-to-me trail – 2/18/21
  17. Medium hike – 3/12/21
  18. With a pet (yours or someone else’s) – 3/13/21
  19. Lead a hike – 5/2/21
  20. Difficult hike – 3/18/21
  21. With a newbie – 4/10/21
  22. Overnight trip – 9/25/21
  23. Hike 5+ miles – 11/6/21
  24. Hike in another state – 9/29/21
  25. Summer hike – 8/14/21

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Sunday Coffee – Missed Opportunity. Or Not.

On my first roundup of 2021 hikes, I mentioned seeing a family hiking at Lockhart State Park. To recap, the family consisted of a man, woman, and two children aged roughly 1 and 3 years old. The younger was in a big pack on the man’s back, clearly created to be a hiking child carrier. The older was hiking on his own, wearing a toddler-sized Camelbak (something I didn’t even know existed until that hike).

When I saw that family, I had a pang of regretful nostalgia. It made me wish that Jason and I had taken up hiking earlier, and done this with our boys on a regular basis. They would have been so cute, these little guys –> all with their own baby Camelbaks, trekking up hills with us. (Photo is from 2007, Morrigan (left) aged 6, Ambrose (right) aged 4, and Laurence (middle) just one month shy of 3 years old.)

The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that in reality, this never would have happened. When our boys were that little, Jason and I were both very young. We were either in school or working (or both), struggling to make ends meet. Our kids were born in very quick succession, with the oldest only three years old when the third was born. Once we moved to Texas, in fall 2005, I suddenly became a stay-at-home mom to three kids aged five and under. My job was 24/7, and the last thing I wanted to do was to spend extra time driving my kids across the state to different parks and help them along a hike. Frankly, I was desperate for time away from home, and time away from children. I was exhausted and frequently frustrated and near tears a lot. Could that have been different if we waited to have kids until we were older, with more established jobs/income, and had them further apart from each other? Sure. That just wasn’t our reality.

And in truth, we did take the boys hiking. Never with specialized gear – we couldn’t afford stuff like that! – but we did always enjoy hiking, and periodically took the boys out on family hikes.

Photo is from May 2006 at nearby Comanche Lookout Park (aged 5, 3, and 2). I took the boys out here all the time once our family became a two-car family in 2008. The boys loved this until right about when they became teenagers, at which point it was all groans and ughs and booooringggs. Heh. But I have a lot of good memories on those trails. Example: Morrigan, taking off running: “Accelerate!” Laurence, copying him but still only 3-4 years old: “Ex-Celery!”

In 2008, and later again in 2012, our family went climbing up Enchanted Rock with extended family. Enchanted Rock is a several-hour drive for us, and it’s often very crowded. It’s also a very tough park to hike, up a smooth granite dome. The boys were champs both times they’ve been. (Left photos both top and bottom are on the same spot, the plaque that marks the highest spot of the rock.)

We’ve also hiked other parks and trails around town with family. Eisenhower is a big favorite, especially around Christmas. We’ve been to multiple parts of the very long Salado Creek Trail. Ambrose took up geocaching for awhile when he was younger. And then there were the hikes in Boston and Wisconsin while we lived there. So again, it’s not like we’ve never done any family hiking. The reality is just that we did what we could, with the time, energy, and finances we had.

So yeah, maybe we never had a baby Camelbak or pint-sized kids out at middle-of-nowhere State Parks. But my initial fit of regretful nostalgia cleared up the more I thought about it. We gave those boys lots of good experiences hiking, as well as walking, biking, swimming, kayaking, running, ice skating, and other outdoor/sporty activities. And I’m okay with that.

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Quarantine Diaries – Weeks 46 and 47

Another two weeks, another Quarantine post. We’re only a few weeks off from an entire year of this pandemic now, and the end is still a pipe dream at this point. The thing that concerns me the most right now is the news that the South African variant has reached the US, with two cases found in South Carolina. Given the abysmal way the US has handled this pandemic so far, I’m terrified how this is going to affect us long term. I’ve heard Moderna is working on a supplemental vaccine, and Pfizer is “confident” that their current vaccine will protect against this particular variant. Everything is so uncertain, and sometimes it feels like even post-vaccine, things will just continue on in this isolating system, especially if so many people refuse vaccination, allowing the disease to spread and mutate even further. “Herd immunity” doesn’t work on a mutating virus.

I’ll be honest: I’m also very tired of people talking about the economic impact of this disease while refusing to take the steps needed to eradicate it. If we had just shut everything down for a few weeks last spring, and subsequently did the same each time a new wave approached, we wouldn’t be in a position where everything is still mostly or partially closed nearly a year later. It’s like no one is capable of longterm planning anymore. Yes, an event like the Rodeo may bring in $250 million+ each year, and that really helps the city and all its inhabitants, but the solution is not to just go ahead with the event regardless (see more below). The solution is to deal with the disease aggressively with short-term economic effects in order to have economic gains going forward. If anyone truly believes that a year of partial closures has been better for the economy than a couple short full-lockdowns followed by periods of greater reopening would have been, then 1) they know nothing about economics, 2) or about history, 3) or about the practices of countries who have managed to keep disease numbers low with the economy relatively stable. It’s downright irresponsible to pretend we can continue this way, and the longer this pandemic continues, the longer the economy will suffer in addition to our collective physical and mental health. /endrant.

Maybe I’m just feeling a bit gloomy this week. It’s Super Bowl weekend, and people are going to gather and spread the disease further, again, and I’m so fed up with that kind of irresponsible behavior at this point.

Week 46 – January 22 to 28
166,022 cases, 2,027 deaths, 1,459 seven-day rolling average, 15% positivity rate. The numbers are finally declining. The positivity rate is down by 2.5%, the third weekly drop. The seven-day average is down over 500/day, and we’ve had a few noticeably-low-case-number days this week. The hospitals dropped under 1300 patients for the first time this year. It seems like the spike in numbers that very clearly came from the holiday season is finally plateauing off. Still going to be awhile til we recover, though – our reduced numbers are well over where we were at our previous peak in July, and several major local events/festivities are set to go on like normal (sigh). And not all the numbers are good: the local high school this week reported another 18 students and 1 staff member positive for covid just this week, with a new notice every single day.

Speaking of testing positive for covid, I found out this week that my cousin-in-law, Gina, apparently had the virus. She didn’t say anything about it until after she recovered, but she tested positive on Jan 12th. Her symptoms were apparently very mild – she said she felt much worse with flu – and she recovered quickly. Neither her husband (my cousin) or their kids tested positive, so I’m very grateful. On the other side of the spectrum, Laurence went in for a covid test at CVS at the end of this week. It’s unlikely he has it, but he’s complained a few times in the last few weeks about not being able to smell certain things, or things smelling/tasting wrong/different, and then mid-week he felt feverish and achy with a headache and chills. Likely it’s allergy-related, as he has bad allergies at this time of year, but we figured better safe. We should get the results sometime next week. (Photo: Gina and me going to a movie in 2018.)

For the second time in the last ten months, I ate inside a restaurant. It was up in Marble Falls, which is in a county that has had a total of around 2300 covid cases since the beginning of the pandemic (less than 5% of the total population of the county). Despite their low numbers, the restaurant was taking every safety precaution, from masked employees to partitions between tables to QR code menus to condiments handed out in individual packets. (Bonus: It was as delicious as it was safe!) This is how you do things right. Unlike, say, our local Walmart, which I’ve complained about multiple times over the last ten months, and which finally had to close for a few days this week for “deep cleaning and sanitizing.” They refused to give any further reason or to say what prompted the shutdown, but I’m sure they broke enough violations to finally get the city involved. Glad we haven’t been there in ages!

The big thing that worries me right now is the way officials are talking, pushing back the vaccination timeline so much. I’ve noticed this over the last few months, but there have been some big jumps this week, from “general population getting the vaccine in March/April” to “hopefully we’ll get to the general population by the fall” to “we might be able to start vaccinating children maybe early 2022.” We’re all sick of this, and the US wasted most of the last year making things worse (thanks Trumpy), but the prospect of this continuing on and on for another year or more is agonizing. I miss little things so much. Cafes and movie theatres and browsing the library and going to the grocery store without it being An Ordeal. I miss my kids being in school, and having the house to myself for a few hours each day, and having the option to travel. Don’t get me wrong – I know that this is what we need to do, and I’m willing to do it. I’m also incredibly grateful to have a support community in my hiking group that keeps me sane with masked-up, small group, social contact. But GAH I hope this talk of “maybe in a year or two more” is pessimistic rather than realistic.

Week 47 – January 29 to February 4
178,662 cases, 2,186 deaths, 1,335 seven-day rolling average, 11.4% positivity rate (4th week of a good drop!). Hospitals numbers are still dropping as well, another good sign. In our local high school, 6 students and 1 staff were reported positive for covid this week, which is actually down quite a bit for our school. Everywhere else, though, school covid cases in SA have apparently doubled since winter break – alarming given all the news that keeps saying that supposedly kids being in school doesn’t spread the disease. (Why do these kinds of news articles exist?? It’s very clear that kids spread the disease as much as adults, especially teenagers!)

Speaking of kids, there was some incredibly sad news in San Antonio this week. A nine-year-old fourth grader in normal health began to complain last Friday that her stomach hurt, and she was sent home from school. She died of covid three days later, becoming the youngest death from the disease in our community. This is not okay. We are all not okay right now. January was reported as the most deadly month for SA on record, with around 600 total deaths for the month (more than a quarter of our total deaths).

Any yet, we still see mixed reactions to the pandemic here. Fiesta, which was postponed and then canceled in 2020, has been postponed again this year, from April to June. (I guess we’ll see if it gets pushed back further or canceled again as the time approaches. June seems an inopportune time, though – it’s frickin’ HOT in June here, and Fiesta is mostly outdoors!) On the flip side, the Stock Show & Rodeo is not planning to postpone. I have no doubt this is a disaster waiting to happen, but city officials have no authority to stop them as long as they follow state guidelines. Unfortunately, reduced admissions and cleaning teams aren’t actually going to stop spread when “reduced occupancy” is still tens-of-thousands, UGH! That’s too many people in the same place. It’s following the letter of the law rather than the spirit, and sadly, that’s exactly the behavior and attitude that’s going to keep this pandemic going…and going…and going… (Not to mention, there’s a big chunk of those Rodeo attendees who are anti-maskers…sigh.)

In home news this week: Morrigan flew back to Kansas on Friday. Air travel is obviously not the best mode of transportation, but it was our only choice this time. Frustratingly, the person sitting next to him on his first (of two) flights told him, after landing, that her husband tested positive for covid that day. !!! UGH. Regardless of whether Morrigan can catch covid right now – since the whole testing issue got confused last December – so many others on that plane can. This is why we can’t get the pandemic under control!

Beyond that, Laurence’s covid test came back negative, which is pretty much what we expected but still good news. I also had my second vaccine this week, which I was relieved about because there have been a lot of delays in vaccine shipments and the city mass vaccination clinic actually had to push back this week’s appointments (which were all second doses) for two weeks! I’m not sure if the city is just prioritized below the hospitals systems or what (mine is through a hospital system), but I was very relieved! As for side effects, I had a bit of a sore arm again (though not as bad as the first shot), and I spent most of the day after the vaccine with a terrible headache that wouldn’t budge. I have no idea if this was vaccine-related – about a third of people have headaches and fatigue after the second dose – or if it was a very normal-for-me pre-cycle hormone headache. That was the extent of any reaction. In two weeks, I’ll be as protected as currently possible, and I’ll keep an eye out for when I can schedule Jason and my kids for their vaccines, though that’ll be awhile. Likely autumn, from what I’m hearing now.

Moving forward
Super Bowl weekend. Pray for us. Don’t get me wrong – I love the Super Bowl and we’re planning a party just for the four of us in this household. But dammit, I want to be able to host a proper party next year, and each time one of these events occur and people have 50 folks over to their houses to drink and watch the game together, we just get another spike. I’m tired of living in the Land of Instant Gratification.

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Wellness Wednesday – Starting From Scratch

Everything I know about my health is wrong.

This is both an exciting and a dismaying place to be. It’s a place I’ve been in before, and I’ll admit, it’s frustrating to be back here. To try to erase years of data and assumptions, to zero out experiments and results, to start over again from scratch. It’s a great undertaking to get to know your body, and when you discover that everything you know was influenced by an outside factor (whether it’s mold in your house, or a silent infection, or a stupid Devil-Bed), it’s overwhelming to start fresh. You not only have to do all that zeroing out, but you have to sort out the whys and whens and hows. Daunting, tedious, and (honestly) angering. But also exciting, because it means that real change may be possible.

In the five weeks since replacing my mattress, good things have happened. I’ve slept remarkably well, and most nights, don’t even need my sleeping medication. My anosmia/dysosmia has almost completely disappeared, so I’ve been indulging in things like caramelized onions again. My hip and foot pain are gone, with a striking difference between Dec 30 (struggling through a 2-mile easy hike) and now (doing multiple 4-5 mile strenuous hikes and some runs without pain). My V02 max has gone up a point – a really unexpected bonus. I won’t know just how much my inflammation markers have decreased in concrete terms until some bloodwork later this spring, but many of the inflammatory symptoms in my body have had noticeable decreases.

So. I’m not a space alien anymore. My chiropractor, who has called me a space alien for the last few years because of the weird random ways my body reacts to food and fitness, welcomed me back to earth during my last visit. That feels good. It’s the what’s-next? part that’s daunting.

It’s hard to know where to start when you start from scratch. I’ve done so many different things over the years, all of them with their own unique side effects, that they all intimidate me. I discussed a bunch of this a year ago when I was settling down to look at the last two theories I had, so I’m not going to go over all of it again. A year ago, I didn’t have the Devil-Bed piece of the puzzle, and the timeline makes more sense now. My initial switch from weight maintenance to weight ups-and-downs took place during a time when my marriage was falling apart, my oldest son was acting out, my family moved across the country, I started experimenting with fad diets, my doctors put me on a medication that caused weight gain, and I developed a binge-eating disorder. Over that really awful 15 months or so, I gained 20 lbs, lost 15 lbs, then gained 20 lbs, for a total gain of 25 lbs. Then much of the stressors and triggers were alleviated, I began to get help for the eating disorder, and my doctors switched me off that medication. Things should have gotten better. Instead, I bought a Devil-Bed and spent six months in rapid-weight-gain (about 50 lbs), before it just…stopped. The stop corresponds almost to the day with a six-month off-gassing period of the memory foam. And since then, as I said in the above link, I’ve just been cycling within the same 10 lbs no matter what I do. (Until this past October, when a medicine I was given for weight loss caused a 15 lb gain, UGH.)

Now I know: Everything I did made no impact because I hadn’t removed the source of the inflammation. Whatever I tried that didn’t work? Maybe it would work now. And it’s time to decide what to do next.

I recently made a mistake. Two weeks ago, after getting frustrated at how tough it was to move my body up hills while out at a state park, I chose to remove all processed foods and sugar from my diet, moving to all whole foods, in one fell swoop. My body has needed processed carbs for the last two years to counteract inflammatory symptoms (contraindicative, yeah? that’s how “space alien” my body has been!), and within two days, I was experiencing massive sugar detox symptoms, including severe migraines. Clearly I needed to slow things down and take some time to ease into this. I can’t just jump back to where I was when my body was still healthy in 2013/2014!

Other than that particular mistake, I spent most of January focused on taking some time to recover from the bed issue. I’m not sure a month is enough, though, tbh. When my tooth infections were discovered and cleaned out in 2009, it took over a year for my body to fully recover enough for me to focus on weight loss and health improvement. Even if that’s the case here, however, I want to start building the right habits, and see how my body reacts to them. In the short term, that will involve keeping a food journal (not reducing calories or cutting out foods or anything – just noting them to observe patterns), trying to add more produce to meals, and making some basic substitutions like brown rice for white rice, when possible. I hope that as my body returns to its normal baseline, I can rely more on intuitive eating again, and start a gradual shift toward where my body is happiest and healthiest. What I need to keep in mind that gradual, reasonable changes are the most sustainable over time. The most success that I’ve ever had has been with a “healthy but reasonable” approach, and I need to get myself back into that headspace for longterm betterment.

This photo shows me now, at current weight, vs the weight/size I was at in 2014 in the middle of my maintenance period. There is roughly 90 lbs difference between these two photos. It’s my goal to eventually get back near that second photo. I don’t know how I’ll accomplish it or how long that will take, but that’s where I want to be, and the reason I keep dusting myself off and starting over again.

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Sunday Coffee – Goals for February

When I created my 2021 goals back in December, I created them based on the reality that I was living at the time, a reality that involved Something Being Wrong and me not knowing what that Wrong Thing was. When I suddenly discovered the Devil-Bed situation at the end of the month, everything I knew just flew out the window. I’m starting from scratch with my health – something I’ll soon discuss more fully – and I no longer have any idea whether my goals for 2021 are relevant. They very well may be. It takes a long time to recover from something like 5+ years of sleeping on a mattress you’re allergic to. I chose not to change my goals for that reason – I didn’t want to take things too fast and potentially set myself up for failure before I had a clear picture of where my health would go this year.

However, I have a confession to make. I’m not a huge fan of nebulous goals. I like concrete actions and concrete markers with which to measure my progress. At the same time, I know that 2021 is not a good year for grand ambitions. Not only is my personal situation iffy, but there’s the whole covid situation to think about.

So, to compromise, I’ve made myself a list of February goals. None of these are inconsistent with my yearly intentions, and I rather hope that they’ll help. Time will tell if these are helpful or add an additional burden to my days, and from there, I’ll see what I want to do next month.

  • Finish YWA Breath (currently way behind, on Day 13)
  • Walk/run/hike 40+ miles
  • File our taxes and put any refund toward debts
  • Plant 1-2 trees in the backyard (February is ideal planting time in SA)
  • Attempt to learn macrame
  • Finish reading the magazines I bought in December (for my Vision Board)
  • Get my room in order (wood painted, decor back up, etc)
  • Learn how to use my new (refurbished) manual camera that Jason got me (!!!)

I’ll check back in next month with my progress.

ETA: Instead of checking back in, I’ll just update here:

  • Didn’t finish YWA and in fact only finished Day 14 in Feb.
  • Only 26.5 miles
  • Taxes filed but the refund hadn’t come by end of month
  • Trees planted!
  • I did this a little but was waiting on the library for some books to truly learn
  • Magazines: done
  • Room is partially done – wood painted etc, but still have to rearrange it
  • Camera: done!
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As the Shadow Rises, by Katy Rose Pool

This is the second volume of a series – first book: There Will Come a Darkness – so I’m not going to give a description. It would just spoil the various plotlines that come together at the end of the first book. So I’m just going to give some general thoughts on this second book.

First: I loved There Will Come a Darkness, but I hardly remembered it at all by the time I first tried to read the second volume back in the fall. I listened on audio, and after the first chapter, I had no idea what was going on, or which character was who. So I returned the audiobook, and decided to wait until I could get a physical copy of the book (which turned out to be this month).

Second: Reading a physical copy helped me to remember a little from the book, though I was still pretty lost. Thankfully, there seemed to be enough recap that I could tell what was happening, though not enough that I fully remembered.

Third: This book is what they call “splitting the party” in RPGs. There are five narrators, narrating four different storylines that don’t come together until the last 50 or so pages of the book. The first book was set up this way as well, but it was all about bringing separate parties together, not splitting up folks who are at one point working in tandem. Splitting the party too many ways or for too long is often a really terrible idea in books as it means that the reader is required to care about all the different stories in order to be fully engaged. It also has the potential for overwhelming a book with too many stories that never go anywhere (a la George RR Martin). Unfortunately, I was really only engaged with one of the stories of this volume, so the other ones kinda bored me to bits.

Fourth: It took 270 pages for the action to start.

Fifth: Almost all the action happens in the last 50 or so pages, making the ending chaotic and rushed. Plus, while it brought all the parties together again for a short bit, the ending once again split the party. Sigh.

Sixth: Both books have focused a lot on world-building, but about halfway through this story, we finally got some deep background on the mythology of this world. And that mythology is crucial to the events that have been happening through the whole series. Now, it’s possible that I just don’t remember properly, but it feels like there wasn’t quite enough setup in the earlier volume for the amount of revelation in this book. But again, I don’t remember the first book very well.

Conclusion: It took me a long time to get through this book, and I wouldn’t consider it a favorite like the first one. There were a lot of problems to sort out, and I’m worried that the third volume is going to be another slow-build, multi-party saga, when the action should have built up to a higher pitch by now.

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Wellness Wednesday – Hikes of 2021, #1-8

Toward the end of 2020, I started cataloguing the group hikes I’d taken over the year. Because of covid, I was only able to participate in group hikes for 5.5 months of the year, but still managed far more than I would have expected before I started counting. This year, of course, I expect there to be even more. Not every hike is particularly noteworthy, but one of the intentions I’ve been trying to hold to in 2021 is to be more mindful of things – my body, my emotions, my moments, etc. I’ve always loved hiking, but it wasn’t until 13 months ago that I ever truly hiked with a group. That group, as I’ve said many times before, has been a godsend and lifesaver through this pandemic, and has helped me to return to my core self after years of mental health floundering.

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Sunday Coffee – Hello!

I honestly don’t have a whole lot to say this morning. Most of my time in 2021 so far has been taken up by one of three things: group hikes, politics, and binge-watching Murdoch Mysteries. I haven’t been doing as much of my YWA Breath 30-day yoga challenge (I’ve finished Day 10, they’re on Day 23 today), haven’t been reading or blogging, and I’m not really fussed about much else.

It’s not a bad thing, though. I’m enjoying my TV show when I’m recovering from what has been an insane amount of hiking this year. I guess this is what happens when you get a state parks pass and also join a weekly hiking challenge. Ha! There’s really been some good moments, even if it means that on mornings like today, I have a fat head and mild cough from all the pollen I breathed in during yesterday’s 5-mile hike.

So yeah. I don’t have much to say. My head’s not really in a blogging place, probably because I’m enjoying life off the computer too much to take time out to plan blogstuff. But I still wanted to check in and say hello, while I sit in my pj pants and new comfy Inks Lake State Park lightweight hoodie, nursing my pollen-head with coffee and not the most nutritious breakfast. Heh. So hello! How are you all doing? What’s been good in your lives these days?

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