The Zen Leaf

RIP X

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Thistle

Turning leaves, shifting winds, airing out sweaters, and pumpkin-everything – wishful dreaming for this part of the world. With the temps sticking in the swelteringly hot upper 90s (if not higher), the start of RIP-season is a welcome occurrence. Soon, soon, the season will begin to change. In the meantime, I can pretend with books!

Readers Imbibing Peril is in its 10th season now, founded by Carl at Stainless Steel Droppings and run this year by Andi and Heather at The Estella Society. (Big thank-yous to all of you!!!!) As usual, I’ll be gobbling up books in the following categories:

Mystery
Suspense
Thriller
Dark Fantasy
Gothic
Horror
Supernatural

With my ankle all wonky and trying to heal – more on this on Wednesday – there’s a good chance I’ll read more than I usually do. I’m definitely doing Peril the First (as usual), in addition to possibly participating in Peril of the Short Story. And who knows? I did just watch Nosferatu this past weekend, so maybe I’ll have some Peril of the Screen entries, too!

My possibles:

– The Shadow Cabinet by Maureen Johnson
– Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo
– Career of Evil by Robert Galbraith
– The Ladies of Grace Adieu by Susanna Clarke
– Uprooted by Naomi Novik
– The Monk by Matthew Gregory Lewis (reread)
– Devilish by Maureen Johnson (reread)
– Gentlemen and Players by Joanne Harris (reread)
– The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern (reread, can be audio)
– Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett (reread, can be audio)
– We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson (reread, can be audio)
– Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier (reread, can be audio)
– Murder at the Vicarage by Agatha Christie (audio)
– Furies of Calderon by Jim Butcher (audio)
– A Darker Shade of Magic by VE Schwab (audio)
– The Girl at Midnight by Melissa Grey (audio)
– Prudence by Gail Carriger (audio)
– The Gospel of Loki by Joanne Harris (audio)
– Ashes of Twilight by Kassy Tayler (audio)

Okay, so even with a wonky ankle, I don’t think I’ll get to all of those. But that list leaves me plenty of wiggle room for playing!

What’s on your RIP list this year?

Posted in Book Talk | Tagged lists | 11 Comments

Pretending to be Erica, by Michelle Painchaud

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Thistle

Kidnapped thirteen years ago, at the age of four, Erica Silverman is the holy grail of cons. Her parents are filthy rich, and built somewhere into their library is a safe containing a painting worth millions. More than one “Erica” has come forward, claiming to be the real thing, only to be found out. This time, however, “Erica” is more credible.

Violet has been raised to be Erica. Adopted at the age of five, her father is one of the biggest con-artists in Vegas. He’s groomed Violet to know everything about the Silvermans. He’s taught her Erica’s history, trained her in the things Erica found interesting, even given her multiple plastic surgeries to make her look more like the real thing. See, Violet and her father have one thing that no previous Erica had – the truth. They know what happened to the real Erica, and that makes all the difference.

Confession: In the flurry of all the books I put on hold to investigate, I got this one confused with several others and thought it was going to be a book about a transgender teen. Nope. Second confession: I am extremely wary of books told from the point of view of con-artists. Especially if the con-artists are sympathetic, and most especially if the idea of conning is revered in any way by the author. Take Fingersmith, for example – everyone loved that book, but I hated every moment of it. Just not my thing, right? So it really seems like, with these two confessions, I should have read a few pages of this book and decided it wasn’t for me.

I didn’t. I kept reading. Violent was a fascinating character. She was a victim as much as a villain, and her ever-evolving psychology kept me hooked. But wait – this could easily apply to Fingersmith, too, you say. Perhaps. But the two felt different. There are two different kinds of books/movies about con-artists. The line between them is very fine, but they are extremely distinct for me. Fingersmith fell the way of Count of Monte Cristo for me, whereas Pretending to be Erica fell the way of Now You See Me. Other readers, I’m sure, would not make the same distinction. Whatever the reason, this book really worked for me.

I loved seeing the Silvermans’ story unfold. I loved the balance Violet had to maintain, ever-more-fragile, inside herself, between the person she is and the person she must pretend to be. I loved the emerging truth that both selves – Violet and Erica – were equally false, because Violet has never been given the chance to be herself. She’s been groomed and manipulated from the beginning. Even after all this, she’s desperately attached to the father who…was not exactly the best father, beyond being a con-artist. The contrast between his warmth and coldness was terrifying.

Of course, no book is without its flaws. Some of the procedural stuff didn’t seem terribly credible (to say anything more specific would get into spoiler territory), and I thought Violet gave herself away more than she realized (though that might have been intentional). Mostly, though, this was a solid book: a fascinating look into an interesting psychology, and a captivating drama that kept me reading.

Posted in 2015, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged dream-invader, psychology | Leave a comment

Sunday Coffee – Goal Check-In

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Thistle

For my 36th birthday back on March 1st, I made a list of 36 goals to complete: a 36 in 36 project. Now that the year is half up, I wanted to take a moment to check in with how I’m doing.

Complete:
– All the traveling on the list (Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, Niagara Falls, and Canada) is DONE. These were designed for my time in New England, before moving back to TX.

– I wore makeup (ha!), went to a zoo, bowled, swam with my boys, participated in a 5K, took a bubble bath, went to a painting class, and bought fun pajamas.

– Additionally, I started doing yoga regularly, which is WAY out of my comfort zone.

– I far exceeded my initial goals to wear a skirt/dress six times, try six new-to-me restaurants, try six new-to-me kinds (not brands) of wine, try twelve new-to-me coffees, and complete 36 random acts of kindness.

In Progress:
– I’ve had people over for dinner three of six times, shopped at a thrift store four of six times, got one of six massages (boo! Need to catch up!), gone out with friends ten of twelve times, and taken three of twelve longer-than-a-5k walks.

– I’m further behind in both my paralegal course and my Rosetta Stone Spanish course than I wanted to be at this point, but both are in progress.

Still to Go:
– There are a couple things on the list that I can’t do yet, per timing: dress up for Halloween and participate in NaNoWriMo.

– As for the “any time” goals, I still need to host or attend a book club, get my two manuscript-related tattoos, attend a street festival, play pool, see a movie in theatre, and attend a play, musical, or dinner theatre production.

Conclusion:
All things – like a cross-country move – considered, I’m not doing too badly. I have seven anytime goals still to complete, two timing-based goals, and seven in-progress goals. I’ve also fully completed twenty goals. I’d say I’m roughly two-thirds of the way through my list of goals at this halfway point. Win!

Posted in Personal | Tagged goals, Sunday Coffee | 8 Comments

The Underground Girls of Kabul, by Jenny Nordberg (audio)

Posted on August 28, 2015 by Thistle

Subtitled: In Search of Hidden Resistance in Afghanistan [some versions are subtitled: The Hidden Lives of Afghan Girls Disguised as Boys]

When Jenny Nordberg was reporting in Afghanistan, she came across a phenomenon she hadn’t heard of before: bacha posh, or girls raised as boys. She began research into the bacha posh, which led to a wider discussion of freedom, gender, rights, and roles.

I’m so glad Shaina kept pushing this book on me. When she first recommended it to me, I tried to read it in print, but as so often happens with nonfiction, I couldn’t get into it. Nonfiction is so much better on audio for me, and my library up north did not have an audio copy. Boo. So I had to wait until I returned to San Antonio, which did have an audio copy in their library system. Just as with other nonfiction, what was difficult to get into in print was immediately captivating on audio.

It is difficult to say whether this book is more about gender or oppression and necessity. Nordberg discovers and follows the lives of several bacha posh. Some are girls who agree to “become” boys later in childhood for their families. Some are presented as boys from birth. Some transition back to girls before puberty, some after puberty when it’s time to marry, and some refuse to transition back at all. Some believe themselves male, some female, some both, or neither. Some families create bacha posh as a magical good luck charm to help them get a “real” male heir. Some do it because they need the extra income, or protection for the women in the family, or to avoid the shame that comes with having no male children. Whatever the reason, the bacha posh all react in very different ways to their shifting situations.

There’s a great quote (and I wish I had a physical copy so I could quote it directly) from a bacha posh who, in their mid-teens, refuses to transition back, and adamantly claims to be male. They’ve never known anything but a male role, having been presented male from birth. The question (and quote) is to do with the idea of gender – can we say this person is transgender? Or have they developed a gender identity issue because of the circumstances of their life? Would the situation have been different had this person been raised female? Keep in mind, this isn’t a culture that affords the freedom of choosing an identity. This is not a person who, as a child, felt at odds with their biological sex, and was therefore allowed to grow up male. This is a person who was randomly reared/treated as male all through life, including puberty, in a society where gender roles are strictly divided.

It brings into question how much nature and nurture are involved in the idea of gender. How much of gender is born into us, and how much is developed over time? What do gender identity issues mean in a society where one gender is given far less freedom than the other? Is there an equally extensive and historical opposite, of men raised as women? If so, Nordberg does not discuss it at all, and given the culture’s reverence of male children, I’d guess it’s probably less likely than the relatively common bacha posh.

The book was quite extensive, introducing bacha posh of all ages, lifestyle choices, finances, education, etc. It also went into great detail about the historical significance of this particular cultural phenomenon, as well as a balanced and realistic portrayal of gender inequality in both urban and rural parts of Afghanistan. Shaina said that her one complaint about the book was that it didn’t go into as much detail as she’d like about gender identity issues, and I can agree with that. However, I’m not sure just how much more detailed Nordberg could have gotten. While bacha posh are relatively common, they are also not spoken of very often or very easily. Some of the gender identity issues cannot easily be answered, and I think Nordberg did a good job at not making any assumptions. I found the book to be balanced, well-thought-out, and engaging. I’m so glad I finally got to listen to it!

Performance: The narrator of this audiobook was Kirsten Potter, who did a good job. Too often, audiobooks set in the Middle East involve really bad stereotyped accents, and this one did not. Potter pronounced the names well and read the book smoothly. Highly recommended!

Posted in 2015, Adult, Prose | Tagged audio, gender studies, LGBTQIA, Middle East, nonfiction, psychology | 5 Comments

Nekropolis, by Maureen McHugh

Posted on August 27, 2015 by Thistle

Hariba has voluntarily entered a life of forced servitude to escape the death-homes of Nekropolis, the section of a large Moroccan city where she was raised. She’s working for a rich couple who buy the contract of many such forced-servants, and who also buy what’s known as a harni: a biologically-constructed artificial intelligence near-human. At first, Hariba is repulsed by the harni, who goes by the name of Akhmim, and believes him (it) to be an abomination against God as stated in the Second Koran. Over time, however, she begins to think of Akhmim as human, and as he impresses on her (like a baby goose) and thus begins to put her needs above that of anyone else’s, she starts to fall in love with him. It’s a relationship that can never be equal, and is forbidden both by their respective contracts to their owners, and by Moroccan law.

Two years ago, my family spent the summer reading books aloud together. Each time we finished a book, we brought new suggestions for the next group read, and read a few pages to give everyone an idea of what the book was like. Jason brought Nekropolis to the table, and I was fascinated by what he read. It sounded like Middle Eastern, character-driven dystopia, and I really wanted to read it. The boys, however, went with another choice, and so Nekropolis stayed on my TBR pile for the next two years. (Notably, it’s probably a good thing we didn’t choose this one, as it would not have been an appropriate read for their ages. Jason hadn’t read it, so he was unaware of the adult content.)

Jason had a copy of the book at the time, but gave it away not long after, and my library up north didn’t have any copies of this at all. I was happy to discover that the San Antonio system did have a copy. When I grabbed a couple dozen books from the library for my (failed) attempt at another readathon, I saved this one for last. I worried that perhaps it wouldn’t hold the same allure for me as two summers ago, but I need not have worried. Nekropolis was achingly beautiful.

As I expected, this was character-driven dystopia with a focus on Muslim culture (though in North Africa rather than the Middle East). Hariba, who narrates the first and fifth (last) chapter of the book, is from a poor section of a large city, and contracts to be “jessed” (chemically bound to loyalty toward her employer) after her brother disgraces the family. She is uncomfortable in the large household after Akhmim arrives, though she “loves” her employer and has no desire to leave him. Through forced interactions with the harni, she goes from repulsion, to friendship, to love. After being contractually separated from him, she decides to run away with him, making them both fugitives, endangering her friends and family, and nearly dying due to the “jessing” procedure.

The rest of what follows is fascinating. There are only five chapters, and the three that aren’t Hariba’s are narrated by Akhmim, Hariba’s mother, and Hariba’s former best friend in the Nekropolis. The book follows a single story line, but seen from many viewpoints, including that of a not-actually-human. This was my favorite thing about the book – watching how everything thinks they see and feel things the same way, when they really don’t. Words – love, loyalty, intimacy, betrayal, happiness, belonging, touch – can all mean entirely different things to different people.

This is ultimately a two-pronged story: one about the relationship between two beings who are so far apart in nature that they cannot possibly understand each other, no matter how hard they try; and one about the sacrifices involved in bettering one’s life. It’s a book about otherness, identity, and the consequences of choice. There was heartbreak, but not necessarily heartbrokenness, if that make sense. For each tragedy, there was beauty, and vice versa. Balance and neutrality perfected. This is a book that made me think and think and think, and I relished it for days.

Posted in 2015, Adult, Prose | Tagged Africa, atmospheric, memorable, place-character, POC, psychology, speculative | 3 Comments

Lies My Girlfriend Told Me, by Julie Anne Peters

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Thistle

When Alix’s girlfriend suddenly dies, her world shatters. As she’s picking up the pieces, she discovers that Swanee didn’t just leave her behind – she left her in ignorance. Because Swanee wasn’t just dating Alix. She had another girlfriend, another life. And Alix is learning that almost nothing she knows, thinks, or feels is true.

This book came out last summer. I’d had it on my to-read list since about six months before publication, but then once it was published, I put off reading it. I’d read a lot of Peters before, and nearly everything I’d read from her shredded me. My favorite by her – Between Mom and Jo – had me sobbing through the entire second half of the book, and I rarely cry at books. No book has ever torn me up as much as that one did. When Lies My Girlfriend Told Me came out, I knew I wanted to read it. I also knew that, in that moment, in that time of my life, I absolutely could not handle being shredded. So I put it off. For over a year.

Irony: I didn’t need to put it off. This story, while not lighthearted, is a lot less stressful than others I’ve read from Peters. There are certainly sad moments, and heartbreak, but not like the others. There are supportive families and happy relationships and good things happening alongside the bad. I felt connected to the characters, without the foreboding that warns of impending heart-ripped-out-ness. And that was nice. I liked it. I loved the way things unfolded, and the way Swanee’s lies unfolded slowly, and the changes that come over all the different characters (no matter how peripheral). Character is one thing Peters always excels at!

Verdict: Another solid Peters novel, with a lot less pain/stress and more happiness than others. Win! Now I kinda wish I’d read it last summer when it first came out!!

Posted in 2015, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged LGBTQIA, POC | 4 Comments

A Brand New Journey

Posted on August 24, 2015 by Thistle

Most of you know my health backstory already: After eleven years of illness that caused a myriad of symptoms, including gigantic weight fluctuations, I was finally healed and ready to embark on a weight loss journey to lose 100+ lbs. And I did. From late 2009 to early 2013, I lost 105 lbs and maintained that loss for over a year. Cool, right? Yay! Except…no. Physically, I was thin, fit, healthy, and strong. I’d lost the weight slowly, in a steady, sustainable fashion. Mentally, however, I’d ripped myself to shreds.

Shame is a sneaky, devilish thing. It was a great tool, in terms of motivation. Not only did it help me to keep going on my weight loss journey, it helped me to make changes in a slow, permanent kind of way, so there would be no back-sliding. Fads and get-thin-quick gimmicks didn’t appeal to me. I was getting healthy! I was changing my life for good! Except, um, someone forgot to explain to me that when you allow shame to be your primarily – or only – motivation, you are sacrificing your mental and emotional well-being to your body. And in the end, that is going to bite you in the ass.

I got bitten. I wasn’t happy with the weight I’d lost because I couldn’t lose the last 10-15 lbs. I wasn’t happy with my body, hating my arms and stomach and thighs and back-fat. I felt like a failure and a fraud every time someone applauded my weight-loss success. Eventually, despite losing slow and steady, despite maintaining for a long time, despite enjoying how I felt when I ate well and exercised regularly, my deeply-ingrained body-animosity snowballed into disordered eating, self-harm via food, and massive (mostly-intentional) regain. Lesson learned.

Do I love my body today? Got to be truthful here: No. Not at all. But I’m trying. I refuse to go on another shame-based weight loss journey. I refuse to set aside the mental and emotional aspects of my health for the physical. Do I want to get thinner, healthier, fitter? Hell. Yes. More importantly, though, I’d like to learn to love myself regardless of my size and perceived success/failure. I want to stop judging myself so harshly. I want to learn to be kind to myself. I want to heal from my trauma-based mental health issues, and heal my relationship with my body and with food. I want better relationships with friends and family. I want to actually be happy and confident, not just pretend to be. I want to celebrate the journey, not just the goals achieved.

To be honest, I thought about keeping this journey elsewhere, someplace private. In the end, though, I decided I’d rather be open about it. Body positivity is something I struggle with, and keeping my struggles private won’t help me. I need to face them, force myself out into the open, in order to retrain my brain. If my meandering struggles can help fellow sufferers, I’d like that, and if there are others who can help me, I’d like that, too. I won’t be posting about this all the time – as I said yesterday, The Zen Leaf will remain primarily book-based – but I’ll probably be fairly regular about it in the months to come.

Wish me luck on this new wellness journey!

Posted in Wellness | Tagged fitness, health, psychology | 18 Comments

Sunday Coffee – Readathon FAIL – Again

Posted on August 23, 2015 by Thistle

Um. Remember how I signed up for Bout of Books? Well, just like the last half-dozen readathons I’ve signed up for, it didn’t work out. Yeah…

Here’s the thing. It used to be that when I signed up for a readathon, it was for the event itself, not for the reading. I went in excited to be reading with other people. It was not for reading down my piles of books, or for accomplishing anything except being social with fellow booknerds from around the world. Nowadays, though, I tend to sign up for readathons when I have a big pile of books that I want to get through. Only then, I can’t wait until the readathon to get to those books, and I read them all (or start-and-abandon them) before the event begins. Then I’m left with a reading hangover, so I don’t want to read at all, and no books to read anyway.

That’s exactly what happened this time, too. I ordered several dozen books from the library, and instead of letting them sit on my desk for the next few weeks, I started picking them up. Reading a bit further than I had during my Nook previews. Realizing (for the most part) that after a chapter or two, I’d lost interest. I significantly reduced my TBR pile over the last few weeks (by a third! and half of what’s left isn’t published yet!), all while reading far fewer books than expected.

Honestly, I don’t mind. I missed out on the event itself, yes, but still got what I wanted from it: a chance to read-read-read until I was ready to simply stop for awhile. This is what laissez-faire book-blogging is all about, people! I love it. My way is good enough for me. Ha! And I imagine that if I ever manage to not fail at a readathon again, it’ll be because I get the urge to participate on the day itself, and not when signups begin!!

Now it’s time to curl up with my coffee and a movie, or TV show, or something that doesn’t involve books. 😀

***
On a more serious note, the way I’ve been reading/reviewing this month is troublesome. I have several coping mechanisms when I’m super stressed, and binge reading is one of them. (Better than binge eating, yeah? Though that’s one of the other coping techniques, sigh.) I am far enough along my emotional wellness journey to recognize that when I read a dozen books in two weeks plus the beginnings of several dozen more, I am not mentally healthy. I don’t like reading at this speed, or having a ton of backlogged reviews, or posting every day of the week. It reminds me too much of the very sad life I was living in 2010, when I was reading over 200 books per year.

The boys begin school tomorrow, and I will be embarking on a new wellness journey (mind, heart, body). The blog is in the process of overhaul. Books will remain a huge part of it, the majority part of it most likely, but I am opening up about other things that are important to me. It is time to strive, once again, for a little more balance in my life.

Posted in Book Talk, Wellness | Tagged readathon, Sunday Coffee | 7 Comments

KonMari, Part II: Books

Posted on August 21, 2015 by Thistle

Last week, I introduced The Great Tidy-My-Life Project, based on Marie Kondo’s KonMari method outlined in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. The first step was to deal with my clothes. Step two involves book-culling, which I know is the most painful step for most book bloggers, but was actually a fairly simple thing for me.

Here’s the deal. As I’ve said before, I don’t really want to own a lot of books. My library consisted – I believed – only of books that made me happy. I was a little annoyed with having to cart them all off the shelves I just organized a few weeks ago, because I was pretty sure I’d have to put all but a small handful of them right back where they came from. I mean literally, I only owned 190 books, including cookbooks, audiobooks, collectibles, magazines, and reference materials like the dictionary. (Notably, not included in that count are the textbooks I’m currently using for school, the boys’ books, and Jason’s books/cookbooks/reference materials. These were the just-mine books.)

So there they are. On the floor, every one. I followed instructions. I picked each one up individually, and asked myself if it still brought me joy. Asked not only if it still brought me joy, but if I still needed an actual copy of the book. Sure, I love Dreiser’s An American Tragedy, but do I really need a physical copy of it? I’ve read it twice in the last 15 years, and I’m unlikely to do so again. Plus, if I decide to, I can always grab it from the library. Donate pile. Done.

In the end, half of the 190 books got moved over to the donate pile, leaving fewer than 100 on my shelves. Originally, I had three bags destined for Half Price Books (above), with another couple dozen books destined for online selling because they’re a bit more valuable. However, I later decided I didn’t have the time/energy to do all the online selling, and just loaded up a fourth bag for HPB. I didn’t get as much money as I would’ve if I’d done all the work myself, but hey, I got nearly $120 for the lot, so I’m totally happy with that! Cleared off a whole bookshelf and got money to boot! Yeah!!

To be honest, I have a feeling that another dozen books or so will travel over to donation status through the rest of the year, and will end up going to Half Price Books with any DVDs and CDs I end up culling/donating. But for now, this is enough. And with the TBR-culling that I’ve been working very hard on lately, my books are starting to feel much more manageable.

Posted in Book Talk, Wellness | Tagged KonMari | 10 Comments

The Cage, by Megan Shepherd

Posted on August 20, 2015 by Thistle

Six teenagers wake up in an unfamiliar world full of semi-human environments. Each of them remember exactly what they were doing the moment before, but their memories don’t match up with the present. They’re dressed in different clothes, and nothing in this place makes sense. It doesn’t take them long to figure out that they’re on display. A zoo, of sorts, or a research lab – they aren’t sure. When they’re given the three rules they must follow, each react in entirely different ways.

I don’t want to say more than that and give spoilers away. This was a fascinating book. I can’t remember what brought it to my attention – a fellow blogger or the Wowbrary feed from my library – but either way, I’m really glad I checked it out. It was a creepy psychological mind-bend, and every time I started thinking I knew what was going on, everything would change. It was awesome.

The book isn’t perfect. I had a hard time with some of the romantic attachments. They felt deeper than the characters had really had time to develop. The other relationships – both positive and negative – were amazing, though, and I loved the way the psychological tricks were implemented over time. It was also a fascinating look at the idea of captivity. Zoos vs research labs vs pet stores vs humane societies. That sort of thing. Even by the end of the book, it’s hard to tell who behind the scenes of this world is actually trying to help the humans, if anyone. This book, the first of a trilogy (I think), barely scratches the surface of this ecosystem, and I’m really looking forward to learning more in future volumes.

Posted in 2015, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged POC, psychology, speculative | Leave a comment