The Zen Leaf

Far From the Madding Crowd, by Thomas Hardy (audio)

Posted on November 12, 2015 by Thistle

Bathsheba Everdene is a willful, headstrong girl who has just come into the ownership of her uncle’s farm. She’s also beautiful, and has caught the eye of many. The cast of suitors:

Gabriel Oak: a former farmer and shepherd that fell onto hard times after Bathsheba rejects him, and who strikes out to find good work, only to end up working under Bathsheba on her new farm. He’s constant, steady, and once rejected, refuses to proclaim is love again. Bathsheba is under the unhappy conclusion that he’s lost all love for her.

Farmer Boldwood: a prosperous farmer neighboring Bathsheba’s farm, who doesn’t even notice her until she sends him a frivolous and silly Valentine. Boldwood then becomes obsessed to the point of insanity, and all hell breaks loose. Bathsheba feels indebted to him because it was “her fault” that he’s obsessed.

Sergeant Troy: a rascal, rake, and good-looking soldier who has been stringing along a girl named Fanny, who believes he will marry her. Fanny worked for Bathsheba’s uncle and was helped in life by Boldwood, so her proximity to the other players puts Troy into Bathsheba’s past, where he throws Fanny over by his temporary crush. Bathsheba is drawn to him even as she hates him.

Now, who will Bathsheba ultimately end up with? That’s the question, and one Bathsheba isn’t entirely sure of herself. Hell, she’s not even sure she wants to be married! She kinda likes being on her own, and under her own direction. But pressure is coming from all sides, and Bathsheba undergoes several radical transformations of spirit throughout this book, which is filled with the sort of gossipy twists and turns that I’ve come to expect from Thomas Hardy. In other words, it was great fun.

Two thoughts struck me as I listened to this audiobook:

1. Of the five Hardy novels I’ve read, the two on audio have been by far the best, and I wonder if perhaps Hardy is just better on audio. Also, the two I’ve listened to have been far less tragic than the others. There are certainly Tragedies and Bad Things Happening, but there’s Good Stuff, too, and I’m always a bit cheered at the end. Plus, the audio makes the books more accessible for me – especially with regards to all that pastoral writing and the huge casts of minor townsfolk characters. I’m not sure if I just got lucky in listening to the two best, or if perhaps I would have enjoyed the ones I read in print better on audio also. But I think I’ve come to the conclusion that Hardy is meant to be performed instead of read, at least for me.

2. I’m astounded by how long it’s been since I read a Hardy novel. I was adding up my book stats for this year and going back to see if I’d read any other Hardy this year. I thought I’d read something in the last year and wasn’t sure if it was in 2015. But as it turns out, I haven’t read anything in four years. !!! It does feel like it was within the last year, but apparently all three other Hardy novels that I’ve read post-blogging were from 2010-2011. (Tess of the D’Urbervilles, on the other hand, was way back in 2006 I believe.) It’s no surprise to me that it’s been a long time since I’ve read classics on a regular basis, but it feels like I’ve read Hardy recently and I’m not sure exactly why that is. Obviously, it’s been way too long.

Other than those two thoughts, I’ll just say that Far From the Madding Crowd was awesome. Just plain awesome. It wasn’t quite as good as my very favorite, Return of the Native (read by Alan Rickman!!!), but it was very close. Who knows? It might have been a favorite if Mr. Rickman had been reading it. Though I still think I loved Eustacia Vye too much to let Bathsheba Everdene dethrone her.

Spoilery paragraph (highlight to read): Boldwood was super creepy, and the scene where he reduces Bathsheba to agreement and completely mows down her soul was one of the most horrible things I’ve ever read. Hardy writes it so well, and despite the sympathy that later comes to Boldwood re: his mental illness, I have no pity for the asshole. Troy was a rake and a horrible guy, but he was what he was. Boldwood, on the other hand, was supposed to be a good person. And Bathsheba should know that if a frivolous Valentine can cause someone to form an immediate, obsessed bond, she should run as far as possible, not consider it her responsibility. Oak, of course, was the obvious choice for real love, but at the same time, I love that he’s rejected when he’s formed his own instantaneous infatuation, and then later he lets that infatuation grow into true love over time and experience and knowledge of Bathsheba’s character. That made me smile. End spoiler.

Performance: This audiobook was not read by Alan Rickman. Boo. It was read by Nicholas Guy Smith, who is not Alan Rickman, but who admittedly did a fabulous job with this performance. Hardy has so many characters in his books, many of whom are minor side-players who turn up again and again. Each of those characters had their own distinct voice, which is quite impressive. Solid performance. Even if it wasn’t from Rickman. Heehee.

Posted in 2015, Adult, Prose | Tagged audio, classics | 7 Comments

Wellness Wednesday #11: Fear and Control

Posted on November 11, 2015 by Thistle

I mentioned last week that this No Number November thing is going to be extremely difficult and scary for me. I also mentioned that I haven’t been scaleless in sixteen years. I depend on that scale. I mark my progress with it. I judge my failure/success from it. (This latter part is a huge reason why I’m putting the scale away.)

The thing is, I need to learn to trust my body again. My body is incredibly intuitive about its health. It regulates intake well, if I let it, and if I can separate out the emotional components. Example: When I was 17, I quit swimming competitively. For five years, I’d trained for 10-20 hours per week, and ate 7-8 times a day. My weight was stable around 125 lbs. When I quit, my appetite stayed high for three weeks, and I gained 15 lbs. This surprised me, but I honestly didn’t think too much about it. After three weeks, my appetite dropped off, my body regulated itself, and I stopped needing to eat so often or so much. The extra weight dropped off without me doing anything intentional. I just kept eating according to my hunger, and my weight stayed stable.

So why the fear? Because after my freshman year of college, I had dental surgery that led to eleven years of illness. Eating according to my body’s intuition no longer helped. I had ups and downs completely beyond my control, not tied to the amount I was eating. It was in this period that I began monitoring-by-scale.

Those infections were cleared out in 2009, however, and much of the weight loss that followed was grounded in intuitive eating. I outgrew the fear – until insomnia in 2011 added an unknown element in my loss, making it more difficult. Over the next fear years, I relied less on my body and more on data (numbers!), and eventually that spilled over into emotional, disordered eating. And of course, this grew worse when I got on Zoloft in February, and started gaining 1-2 lbs per week, no matter how well I ate. I could no longer rely on my body – I was always hungry! – or on data – because the medication interfered.

But here’s the thing. I’ve been medication-free for almost two months. I know how to eat healthy, and how to eat in moderation. I’m learning to handle the emotional component. I know what I need to do, and what my body is capable of. I need to stop letting fear push me back into disordered eating patterns.

True Confessions
When I was a senior in high school, my choir took a multi-day trip to Houston for a competition. Our hotel had a pool, and one day, I went down to the pool with some other students. I had my bikini on under my clothes, and I pulled my t-shirt and shorts off by the side of the pool. One of the girls, I don’t remember her name, said, “Holy hell, Amanda! Where’d you pull off that body?” Immediately, I was self-conscious, and wondered what was so wrong with me that she’d have to point out my body specifically. I don’t remember what I said, if I said anything, and I don’t think I stayed at the pool long, or enjoyed myself.

Only years later would I realize that it was meant to be a compliment, and that because I always hid my body under gigantic, shapeless clothes, and no one (except fellow swimmers) actually knew what I looked like. Furthermore, I was so self-conscious of my body that I literally have one photo in a bikini as a teenager, and I hated it because I thought it showed just how fat I was. The funny thing is, because I was a swimmer for so long, I’m not at all self-conscious in a swimsuit (I’m far more self-conscious in a skirt!), but I still hated photos. I saw them as “proof” that I should keep piling on the baggy, oversized shirts. The above two photos were taken within weeks of each other.

*****
Dear younger Manda,

Stop hiding your body. Just stop it. Your body rocks. Don’t let anyone – not family, not peers, not even yourself – shame it.

Love, modern-day Manda

Posted in Wellness | Tagged body image, psychology, Wellness Wednesday | 5 Comments

Carry On, by Rainbow Rowell

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Thistle

It starts with Fangirl.

In Fangirl, Cath is just starting college, and she’s more comfortable in her online world. She writes Simon Snow slash fanfiction. Simon Snow is like a Harry Potter stand-in, except in a world where Harry Potter also exists. The Simon Snow series by Gemma T. Leslie is eight volumes long, with the eighth soon to be published. Cath is working on her novel-sized fanfiction, Carry On, Simon, and wants to be done before that eighth book is out.

Carry On is not Carry On, Simon. In fact, the sections of Carry On, Simon that are in Fangirl are not in Carry On. But Carry On is, essentially, fictional fanfiction of a fictional fantasy series. Except it’s also a standalone, and you don’t need to know anything about the Simon Snow world as presented in Fangirl in order to read this book. You don’t need to have read Fangirl, either.

In some ways, you could flat-out call this a Harry Potter fanfiction. Simon = Harry. Baz = Draco. The Mage = Dumbledore. Penny = Hermione. Ebb = Hagrid. Watford = Hogwarts. Etc. At the same time, this isn’t Harry Potter fanfiction, and it doesn’t feel at all like a Harry Potter ripoff or derivative. Harry Potter itself already draws on many epic fantasy tropes – powerful magicians, evil magicians, unseen/unknown forces, a blundering hero and a smart sidekick, a hero quest, etc. Carry On takes some of the same tropes, changes them around a bit to make unique characters, all with a respectful nod toward Harry Potter. And it totally works.

I could not stop smiling as I read through this book. Yes, I already knew Simon, Baz, Agatha, Penny, and the Mage from Fangirl. I already knew Cath’s non-cannon pairing of Simon and Baz. I was a tiny bit familiar with the magic system and world-building, but a tiny bit is all we get in Fangirl. Carry On fleshed everything out. There was no need for prior books or prior knowledge, but for me, it was like stepping into a world that I’d already gotten a little peek at, and discovering that it was so much more than I’d known. Because as I said, this may be like a Harry Potter stand-in for Fangirl, but it’s a whole unique and wonderful thing here in the real world.

Things I loved:

the romance
the humor
the fact that some magicians just want to be normal (“And this is exactly the sort of thing I’m sick of. Like, just use some tape. Why come up with a spell for sticking paper to the wall? Tape. Exists.”)
the fact that the characters aren’t blanket good or bad
the magic system, based on the most cliche of cliched phrases around
that the Hagrid stand-in character was more powerful than most of the other mages
the sacrifices and losses
that some people never found out about their pasts, even as the readers do
all the little mysteries along the way
the pop culture references, and the mages living in the world rather than apart from it
the very clean world-building, and integration with reality
so much more. Every single word.

This is my third book in a row that I just loved to pieces and wanted to hug to bits. I can’t recommend this one enough.

PS – I could easily see fanfiction written about Simon Snow and the world of mages now. Which is both ironic and happy-making.

Posted in 2015, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged favorite, Harry Potter, humor, LGBTQIA, speculative | 8 Comments

Sunday Coffee – Book Blogger Bash

Posted on November 8, 2015 by Thistle

When I heard, a few months back, that Amanda from Fig and Thistle was heading to Dallas for a conference in November, I knew there was vacation time in my future! I booked a hotel from this past Monday to Thursday, and stared making plans with Amanda, Andi (Estella’s Revenge), and Trish (Love, Laughter, and a Touch of Insanity).

Monday
Drive, drive, drive. The trip from San Antonio is five hours. Oy. I finished up my audio for Far From the Madding Crowd by the time I reached Dallas. Soon, I was checking in with the hotel, and letting everyone know I’d arrived. Turned out, Amanda’s flight was delayed, so for a couple hours, no one knew what was going to happen. Eventually, though, Amanda arrived, the girls swung by to pick me up, and we all ended up ordering chicken korma from an Indian place. Mmm…korma…

Best thing about book bloggers: Yes, this may have been the first time we’d met in person, but it was not the first time we’ve met. We’ve known each other for years, and it was just like hanging out with old friends. Lots of laughter and no awkward silences. Just fantastic! At the end of the night, we went for a triple-goofy-selfie (with all three phones simultaneously). It. Was. Awesome.

Tuesday
Spent the day reading, writing, and walking. I love relaxed vacation! Andi picked me up on the way to grab post-conference Amanda, and we all went out to the largest Half Price Books I have ever seen. It was bigger than a Sam’s Club! I had to use the panoramic function on my phone to get the entire building in one shot!

We wandered, both together and separately. We were surprised by the random discovery that Ally Condie, Meg Wolitzer, and Jandy Nelson were speaking and signing books that night. !!! Eventually, we left, despite only scratching the surface of what this HPB had to offer. We were starving, though, and had yummy tex-mex in our immediate future.

Wednesday
More relaxation – after a frustrating hotel room change (long story) – and this evening, we finally got to meet up with Trish! Dinner was at an American place famous for their pizookies (like pizza-cookies). The four of us hung out for hours, laughing and talking and eating ourselves into that lovely fat-and-happy state.

There was, of course, more goofy selfies, plus a long-suffering waiter named Cody who took pictures of us with our four different varieties of pizookies. I can only repeat: the night was amazing. No awkward moments or silences. Old friends, even if we rarely meet in person, or never have before.

This is why I love this community so much. This is why, as we all discussed that third night, we need to set up a Book Blogger Camp someday…

(PS – There’s no entry here for Thursday, because it was just me driving home. For five hours. In the rain. With no audiobook. I was sooooo glad to get out of the car and into my house! It was good to see Jason and the boys again, even as I missed being up with Amanda, Andi, and Trish. You three ladies are so smart and funny and wonderful to be around!!)

Posted in Book Talk, Personal | Tagged Sunday Coffee, travel | 20 Comments

KonMari Round Two

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Thistle

My first round of the KonMari tidying process took three months, July through September. By the time I was done, I knew I would need a second round, because I’d learned a lot about myself and my stuff since then. It wouldn’t be quite as extensive a round, and not all categories would need to be gone over again (especially under komono). Luckily, just as I was thinking about how to approach Round Two, I stumbled upon Marie Kondo’s Instagram feed, where she’d just done an online weekly follow-along session over about three months, with much more detailed steps about categories along the way. Perfect. I didn’t plan to take another three months, of course, but I still followed along with the Instagram order.

1. Clothes
Honestly, this was the biggest redo for me, given that I was the least experienced during this portion of the first round. I’d made the safe-vs-loved discovery since then, and wanted another go at my wardrobe. Once again, my clothes ended up on a pile on the floor, with the intention to divide them into loved, safe, and donate. After that, I would separate out the loved pile into those that fit now and those that didn’t fit. Perhaps Kondo would say I shouldn’t keep any that don’t fit, but the majority of clothes fall into that category these days, and I love so many of them. I do want and plan to wear them again! I decided that I wouldn’t keep any safe/necessary clothes that were too small.

In the end, I was surprised by how many clothes ended up in my “loved” pile. I expected more in the “safe” pile, but it turned out that there were very few of these, and none in the too-small category. Apparently I did a more thorough job than I realized the first time through! I did still end up with a single donate bag (which went off to charity). Folding/storing the clothes was easy, then, with my current-fits going into the dresser, and the too small being split into two easy-access bins (“too small” and “way too small”) under my bed. For hang-up clothes, instead of integrating all sizes as I did the first time, I split them into three sections, with the way-too-small being the furthest back. I’d found that with all the sizes integrated, I’d had a hard time remembering what did/didn’t currently fit, and so ignored my closet completely. Now, it’s much easier to access what I want!

Note: I’ve acquired more clothes sense those bare drawers pictured, and have lots more loved clothes in the currently-fits category now! This will remain an ongoing process.

2-4. Books; Paper; CDs & DVDs
Books were easy. I over-culled last time already, and there wasn’t a single book I wanted to donate. Yes, I still went through them one by one, taking them off the shelf first and putting them back on after handling each of them. Similarly, paper was easy. Actually, paper was pretty non-existent. Other than going through my (upright) daily paper tray, I mostly focused on e-docs. I didn’t really do any computer work when I KonMari-ed before, so that was a bigger focus this time. E-docs went with paper. E-music (aka iTunes) went with CDs/DVDs. Last time, I got rid of the music/movies I didn’t want, physically, but didn’t take the time to get rid of their virtual counterparts. Note: CDs & DVDs are the first of six komono (miscellaneous) categories laid out in Kondo’s weekly follow-along.

5. Makeup, skincare, accessories (jewelry, scarves, belts, shoes, purses, bags, etc)
Done. Makeup and skincare was pretty much done already. I don’t keep a lot of it around, and only the things I’ll actually use. As for accessories, I’m minimal to begin with. Ended up giving up a couple hats that didn’t fit quite right, and that’s it. Ironically, that old, discolored purse I’d been carrying around for years? It got thrown out, but I now have a half-dozen new-to-me purses gathered from thrift stores and garage sales. Plus some new hats like the one in this pic. I adore thrift stores and garage sales.

6-7. Valuables, electronics, appliances; Household stuff, hobby stuff, stationary, school/office supplies, sewing stuff, sporting goods, craft supplies, game stuff
Funny that with eleven categories, this actually fits into two of Kondo’s weekly follow-along. This is the category that was the most difficult for me to deal with, because it’s so broad. I put it off for a long time, then wrote down every mini-category and systematically went through my space, rather than categories. As I’ve said before, I can’t exactly KonMari the entire house, with four other people living here, but I do have some household say, as one of two parents. So I worked through the things in my room/space, then expanded…and regardless of this being a broadly-focused category, it was actually fairly simple to tidy, because I did such a good job with it last time. Yay! Got rid of a small handful of things, but mostly, I was already done.

8-9. Kitchenware & food; Supplies (medicine, cleaning, tissues), spare change, home decor, pet stuff, holiday stuff, outdoor stuff, any other miscellaneous
The kitchen is Jason’s domain. Other than making sure everything is still in the place we designated it, I left kitchen and food alone. The other stuff was much like my previous paragraph, mostly already done. The exception was the stuff left out in the garage, which I mentioned before was off-limits during Round 1. This time, I could go through pet stuff, holiday stuff, outdoor stuff, tools, car stuff, and other garage-miscellaneous. Most of this was Jason’s, honestly, or the boys’ stuff, so other than a few things, there wasn’t much for me to do! Garage as not as organized as I would like it, but the only thing out there that I have any connection to is holiday stuff, so I’m letting J keep it in his kind of order. 🙂

10-11. Photos; Gifts, journals, letters, & all other sentimental items
Week 10 is devoted solely to photos, but I needed far more than a week in this category. I said above that clothes was my biggest redo. Photos, however, are my biggest category in round two. So big, in fact, that I came to realize it would be a post all to itself. (Sorry!) So that’s a post for next week. As for other sentimental items, I’d done a pretty good job on this last time. There was only one thing I really wanted to revisit, and that was journals. I let go of all my journals pre-1999 during the last round, but had over a dozen since then, and I didn’t know if I needed them all.

Journals are hard for me to let go of, though. Some contain really wonderful memories and mementos. Others contain records of some of the hardest times in my life. In a way, just chucking them all makes me feel like keeping a journal at all is pointless, and it certainly isn’t. I really need to remember the KonMari philosophy – that sometimes the purpose of something is in the doing, not in the keeping afterwards. This, however, will take some time and effort on my part. Far longer than a few weeks or months. This is one thing I know I could be too hasty about, and I want to be very, very sure before I toss journals.

I did, however, put them and my other sentimental items out on a new wicker shelf in my room, and it makes me happy to see all my Build-a-Bears, My Little Ponies, special gifts, knickknacks, journals, yearbooks, childhood attachments, and other mementos spread out like this, with plenty of room to grow. It’s the first thing I see upon walking into my room, and makes me smile. 🙂

Posted in Book Talk, Wellness | Tagged KonMari | Leave a comment

Walk on Earth a Stranger, by Rae Carson

Posted on November 5, 2015 by Thistle

Leah Westfall is happy with her family on their claim in Georgia. Her father may be sick, her family may be poor, and she may be saddled with most of the farm’s chores, but her parents love her, and she has a secret that keeps them all from starving through the winter. She can sense gold. Her world comes crashing apart, however, when her parents are murdered and her uncle shows up, intending to use her gold-finding magic to get rich, and Lee takes the first opportunity to run away, westward, in the California gold rush.

Let me just start by saying this book was phenomenal. I worried that it wouldn’t be my kind of book, as I’m not really a fan of historical fiction, even when there is trace amounts of fantasy involved. Carson won me over completely, though. There were so many wonderful things about this book that I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts. Here, then, are some briefs:

Religion
Religion is a huge thematic element all throughout Walk on Earth a Stranger – indeed, even the title is from a hymn. There are different kinds of Christians at war with each other, deciding what’s the right path. There are preachers who pray instead of taking action, and there’s the idea of “converting” the savages of the west. There are funerals used as a way to lecture people on their heathen ways (I’ve experienced those!!). There are kind religious people and mean religious people. There are Mormons who, as in every Western, inevitably show up from time to time. There is conflict and control and indifference rooted in religion. This time in history has a lot of religious conflict and concern in it, and Carson uses that as a background on which to lay many of the points she wants to get across – without it ever feeling heavy-handed or preachy, or even anti-religious, despite there being a lot of negative aspects to religion throughout the book.

Race
This was also a time of huge turmoil based on race, from the slave division north and south to the way the Native Americans were being treated. Honestly, I could spend multiple reviews on this issue alone, but instead, I’m just going to leave it here to say that Carson also did a great job handling these issues without getting preachy. Lee, as a narrator, has certain opinions gained from her experiences and family, but she’s no modern-woman saint that provides a comfortable-to-us point of view. At times she’s ignorant and judgmental, realistically so, even if she’s not by far the worst of the characters we meet.

LGBT
There wasn’t much in this category, but I did like the use of “confirmed bachelors” and the hints toward future settlements in San Francisco, and I also liked that the confirmed bachelors of the group were some of the kindest, most realistic characters in the book.

Gender
Most, perhaps all, of the books I’ve read involving a female narrator disguised as a male come from the point of view of the female wishing she could do what males could do, and therefore going into disguise to do those things. That isn’t the case here. Lee’s reasons are far more complex. She hates lying, hates being in disguise, and misses her life as a woman. More interesting, she finds her male persona far weaker and more useless than her real female self. Because of her unique circumstances, in having to do her father’s work on the farm (hunting, farming, mucking, splitting wood, etc) due to his illness, she is every bit as competent to labor on her trip west as the men, and it’s interesting to see this double life of hers, and what happens to her along the way because of it.

History
Carson obviously did a ton of research into this time period. There’s an afterword where she talks about the different things she changed from real history, and the way she wove things in. For me, though, it wasn’t just about the real touches. It was about getting the characters right. The language. The cultures. Often I’ll read certain kinds of historical books that don’t feel right. Either the characters speak/act too modern, or their language sounds like a copy of the language used in old classics, or that the culture is shallowly glanced over. This felt far more authentic. Having grown up myself in the south and southeast, with family that came from Native American ancestry that later went west, and extended family with deep pioneer Mormon history, there are certain cadences, vocabulary, and cultural markers that either feel real or falsified in books like this. Simply put, these felt real.

Other
A couple more notes: There was some fantasy elements here, but honestly, they were more like background noise. This story was really the story of a girl who has lost her family and is struggling to make a place for herself in the world. Along the way, she learns that the definition of family is far broader than she’s known. There’s a bit of romance, though subtle and light, and a bit of that gold-sniffing magic, but mostly, it’s a questing story, both internally and externally. Additionally, the book doesn’t pull punches. There are some pretty gruesome moments, including medical procedures, and in no way does this journey west have the feel of a happy, triumphant march. There are deaths and injuries and losses and failures. Some very unbelievable things happen, miraculous kinds of things, but in the context of all the senseless and accidental pains, things I’d never expect to cause death and grave injury, they no longer seem like unbelievable miracles. It feels almost like chance. Chance or fate or God or whatever decides who gets to live or die. It gave me the sense of how helpless life must have felt sometimes, and how much more of a gamble it was then, when you might recover from cholera but die from a twisted ankle.

As you can see, I could go on and on and on about Walk on Earth a Stranger. I’ve barely scratched the surface of it. I highly recommend it to everyone, even those who don’t normally read fantasy or historical fiction or YA. It’s fabulous, and transcends all the categories it could be put into.

Posted in 2015, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged favorite, gender studies, historical, LGBTQIA, POC, speculative | 4 Comments

Wellness Wednesday #10: No Number November

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Thistle

I admit it. I let the numbers get to me. First there was hitting the 200 realm on the scale back in mid-September. That started the panic. I got off my remaining meds and changed my focus from overall health to the scale. My eating grew more disordered as I waffled between methods of weight loss in my panic. Getting my negative blood-test results in mid-October only worsened the situation.

I decided that I had to do something, and chose a lower carb diet, per my doctor’s recommendations. I made some accommodations to (hopefully) keep my mental health from deteriorating as I focused on weight loss, but to be honest, my inner voice yelled f-this, I’ll worry about my brain after I’m where I want to be again. Then three days after I began the lower carb plan, I got very, very sick, and only improved after eating normally again. And one night, in the midst of a new downward spiral – you failure, you can’t even stick to the plan one week! – I forcibly silenced that inner voice and asked Jason to help me from falling again.

He talked me down that night, and the next day, I started working on a new approach. Because no matter how much I’d like to just say f-off brain until I’m thin again, that’s not going to help me in the long run. And probably not in the short run, either. I need to remember my longterm goals: strength, flexibility, kindness, confidence, health. Nowhere in there is a number mentioned. I can be strong, flexible, kind, confident, and healthy at any size/weight, and regardless of how many calories I consume, or how much of my body is made up of fat. I am not defined by the scale or the size of my pants.

True Confessions
I’ve spent years defining myself by the size of my pants, in addition to the scale. It bothers me to no end that people at my same height/weight (for the whole range of my weights) fit into clothes several sizes smaller than I do. For years, I’ve refused to buy pants that weren’t my normal size or lower, even if they fit well, were comfortable, and looked awesome on me (and made me look awesome). But dammit, I’m sick of judging myself this way! What does it matter what the label says if I look awesome and feel great? Clothes sizes are ridiculously inaccurate. I remember once running into a batch of size-8 jeans that all fit looser than my normal size-10s. I snatched them all up. No, I wasn’t any smaller, but hey, I could truthfully say I wore a size 8 now!

Ridiculous. And certainly, that mentality has not helped me as I’ve expanded once more and had to buy up, up, up. A couple weeks ago, I had to hit up the thrift store for new jeans, as my spring jeans no longer fit (grr). This time, I refused to make my decisions based on the numbers. I came home with four pairs in three sizes. One pair of soft cords was a size above my norm, and it’s definitely loose – but y’all? They are awesome! <– Look at them! They’re not just awesome, but brand new, never worn, designer pants that still had the $80 label on them. (Side note: They cost me $8. Thrift stores = amazing.)

And this experience helped me make a choice. I put away my scale for November. From 11/1 to 12/1, I must judge myself on things separate from the scale – or simply stop judging myself. There will be no counting calories, no adding up fitness minutes, no use of measuring tape, no numbers. (Except for NaNoWriMo word count, ha!) This is terrifying – I haven’t been without a scale for a companion in sixteen years – but I need it. And I’m totally giving myself a reward (tbd) when I succeed.

*****
Dear younger Manda,

There was a time in your life that you wore the biggest, bulkiest clothes, thinking you needed to hide behind them because you were “fat” at 125 lbs. There was a time when you only wore the smallest-numbered, well-fitting clothes, as a way to prove to yourself that you were a success when you felt like a failure.

Clothes should not feel like a weapon against yourself or the world. They should be comfortable and make you happy, regardless of their size or the size of your body. Please try to remember that as you go through the years. You are more than any number – scale, body fat percentage, clothes tag – can say about you.

Love, modern-day Manda

Posted in Wellness | Tagged body image, psychology, Wellness Wednesday | 12 Comments

Shadows of Self, by Brandon Sanderson

Posted on November 2, 2015 by Thistle

Part 2 in the second trilogy of the Mistborn trilogy-of-trilogies (ha!), this follows The Alloy of Law and continues the adventures of Wax and Wayne. The city of Elendel is burbling with unrest, and after some peculiar murders catch the attention of the constables, Wax, Wayne, and Marasi are drawn into a case involving mythology, creatures long believed gone, and perhaps God himself.

Let me be blunt. I didn’t much like Alloy of Law. I adored the Mistborn trilogy, and perhaps I expected something more like those books when I opened Alloy of Law. I wasn’t expecting a western set hundreds of years later, with gun-slinging and cowboys and rogues. I didn’t like the characters, except Marasi, and didn’t find any of them memorable. Three years later, I barely remember Wax (the main character), didn’t remember anyone else (including the one character I liked – I only know I liked her because of my review), and didn’t remember the plot. The most memorable part, honestly, was the end, with the appearance of a character from the original trilogy.

That appearance is what got me to read this second book, when I was unsure that I would. I’m very glad that I did, however, because it was much, much better than I was expecting. Again, maybe it had to do with expectations. I don’t think it was all that, however. This book felt a lot more like the original series. Sure, there were still gun-slingers and cowboys, but there was also political intrigue, religious undertones, and (best of all) the appearance of many older-series characters. There was a lot more world-building to link up the two time periods, and the evolution of old species from then to now.

By the end, I actually felt invested in the characters and story. The finale broke me into little pieces. Shadows of Self made me want to go back and give Alloy of Law a second chance, not to mention go back and reread (again) the Mistborn trilogy. And it definitely made me excited to read Part 3 (Bands of Mourning) when it releases next year.

PS – I need to get my hands on a British version of this. I adore the British cover art of these.

Posted in 2015, Adult, Prose | Tagged Cosmere, divinity, speculative | 5 Comments

Sunday Coffee – NaNoWriMo

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Thistle

November 1st. The beginning of a season. A 30-day spring to 50,000 words. National Novel Writing Month. NaNoWriMo.

I’ve been participating in NaNoWriMo since 2009. In years past, I’ve gone to great lengths to defend the event from cranky naysayers, but this year, I’m not going to bother. NaNo works for some, not for others. Most Wrimos know this is an exercise in drafting, not a final draft, and the few who don’t would submit their unpolished first drafts to agents whether or not they wrote them during NaNo. The End.

For me, this is an awesome season. I spend October (and sometimes September) planning, outlining, brainstorming, and generally getting fired up about my next new draft. Come November 1st (today!), I dive into words-words-words! Then there’s the social aspect – write-ins, group brainstorm sessions, dinners, coffee dates, facebook chats…and there is nothing better than hanging out with fellow writers.

This year, for my seventh NaNoWriMo, I’m working on something completely different for me – an LGBTQ romantic comedy called The Regret List. Synopsis:

Mira’s boyfriend has something important to tell her. She expects a ring; instead, she’s unceremoniously dumped. Scrambling to make sense of her pain, she creates the Regret List: a list of people she believes she may have wronged-in-love. Perhaps in her dedication to her ex, she missed the chance for real happiness.

Enter Alex, with her spiky blond hair, insistent curiosity, and passion for projects. Reluctantly, Mira lets her help with – and contribute to – the Regret List. They work their way through names and tasks, and soon, Mira is faced with a new choice. Continue to root in the past for understanding and closure, or allow her current heartbreak to become the key to future love and happiness?

The blog will likely be a bit quieter this month, because I’ll be wrapped tightly in writer-brain fog. Got a few things pre-drafted, though, so it won’t be completely silent. I probably won’t be blog-hopping as much, either, but rest assured I’ll be back soon. In the meantime, wish me luck! (And if you happen to be a fellow Wrimo, please add me. I’m pookasluagh.)

PS – Jason is also participating this year, for the first time since 2012, and my youngest son, Laurence, is participating again for the third time after taking last year off. Woohoo!

PPS – I actually went to a midnight kickoff party last night! That’s a first for me. My friend Stephanie came over for the Halloween portion of the night (we both went in sugar skull gear) and then we headed over to meet up with fellow wrimos for the kickoff. Pics:

(in costume)

(the seven wrimos at this kickoff)

(the Gignac wrimos in ugly-selfie mode)

Posted in Writing | Tagged Sunday Coffee | 5 Comments

The Quick, by Lauren Owen (audio)

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Thistle

I’m not going to summarize this book the way I usually do in reviews, for two reasons. First, I knew almost nothing about the book going in, and that influenced my experience with it. Second, this is the sort of book that is more reminiscent of an old classic than a modern tale, and is thus more difficult to summarize. It’d be like trying to summarize a Thomas Hardy novel. Again, this influenced my experience with the book, and I’d like to expand on both of these points below. To note, this review will include technique spoilers, but no specifics on plot or character.

So let’s start with my ignorance going in. I’d heard that the book was going to be a RIP readalong, and as I don’t really do readalongs, I didn’t investigate the book. I had plenty of others on my RIP list. But then Amanda reviewed the book, and I learned the only three things I knew going in. First, that it had been compared to Wilkie Collins, to Amanda’s after-reading approval. Second, there were vampires involved somehow. Third, it was historical fiction (or, I suppose, historical fantasy, given the vampires). This all intrigued me, and I saw that there was a downloadable version of the audiobook from my library available to grab that very minute, and I began listening to it not long after.

My initial impressions were lovely. It was slow, and definitely written in the style of a classic. There were a few thematic elements that showed it was a modern novel, but really, Owen was dead-on in atmosphere and style. It wouldn’t have surprised me to learn that it was written as a serial 150 years ago. What did throw me off was the vampires. I knew they were there, of course, from Amanda’s review, but I didn’t realize how long it would take them to show up. A few times, I wondered if perhaps I’d grabbed a different novel of the same title by accident. Finally, I looked it up, but no, I had the right one. I checked the GoodReads summary, and nothing it said tallied with what I’d listened to so far. Shrug. So I kept going. I was enjoying the book anyway, with the focus on family ties and friendships and the ethical/moral exploration of homosexuality in a time when it was dangerously illegal. The characters and relationships were subtly drawn, very realistic, and carefully portrayed. It was lovely.

When the vampires finally did show up, the novel split off all crazy. This isn’t a bad thing. It reminded me a lot of The Woman in White, and as I mentioned above, it was the structure and writing that made The Quick very classic-like. Suddenly, there were multiple stories, multiple narrators, chapters of correspondence or journal entries, and big long sections of backstory. There were rival groups and vampire hunters and innocent bystanders. There were unfinished stories that never got proper conclusions – but not in a dissatisfying way. In a realistic way that was perfectly satisfying. And the note the book ended on…bliss! There has been some question as to the possibility that this might be a setup for a sequel, but I sincerely hope not. Yes, there was uncertainty, but that uncertainty made the book. I had chills reading the last line, even though honestly, I knew what was going to happen. I like not knowing. I like the wondering. The book may end on an uncertain note, but it is definitely concluded. A sequel, I fear, would draw it out needlessly. This was a perfect standalone.

It’s been a long time since I actively read classics on a regular basis. The Quick, while not a classic, reminded me why I love classics so much. Indeed, immediately after I finished it, I began listening to the audiobook of Hardy’s Far From the Madding Crowd. I don’t think my praise can ring higher than that.

Performance: This audiobook was read by Simon Slater. It was my first experience with Slater, and I thought he did a pretty good job. All the characters were distinguishable, and there was no melodrama in the reading, where there easily could have been. The one negative for me was that a few of the accents (mainly French and German) were a bit exaggerated, and I tend to dislike that. That’s just a personal pet-peeve of mine, though, and otherwise it was a good audio experience.

Posted in 2015, Adult, Prose | Tagged atmospheric, audio, historical, LGBTQIA, portentous, RIP-worthy, speculative | 4 Comments