So you know that metaphor I used, about edging over the peak of a mountain? Well. I kept feeling that way, until ten days ago, when I suddenly fell into a deep crevasse. Dazed, I spent four days just trying to make sense of the situation, before coming to the conclusion: I’m not getting out of here alone. Then I called for a ladder.
Out of metaphoric terms? I’ve been fighting depression for months. The main reason my physician took me off my anti-anxiety meds in September was that they were working too well, causing the depression to worsen as my anxiety sources disappeared. I put up a good fight, but last Monday, I was hurled into the worst kind of depression. The can’t-focus, no-energy, can’t-even-basic-hygiene kind. It took four days of wading through this to capitulate and call the physician. They got me in right away, and back on (a different) medication I go.
I hate medication. I grew up in a family that taught me to strive for absolute, total independence. Dependence on anything, including medication, makes me very uncomfortable. This is the second time in the last fifteen months that I’ve had to surrender and say, Nope, can’t do this on my own! My brain and hormones are completely off-balance, and I have to trust my doctor, therapist, medication, and support system to help me get back to Manda-normal.
I don’t know how long that will take. In the meantime, just to note, I may be a bit more absent from the blog (and social media in general) in the upcoming weeks, depending on how quickly my brain improves. I’m in good hands, though, surrounded by people who love me and will help to rescue me from the crevasse and get me started on my way again.