Shadow of the Fox, by Julie Kagawa (audio)

From GoodReads: One thousand years ago, the great Kami Dragon was summoned to grant a single terrible wish—and the land of Iwagoto was plunged into an age of darkness and chaos. Now, for whoever holds the Scroll of a Thousand Prayers, a new wish will be granted. A new age is about to dawn.

Raised by monks in the isolated Silent Winds temple, Yumeko has trained all her life to hide her yokai nature. Half kitsune, half human, her skill with illusion is matched only by her penchant for mischief. Until the day her home is burned to the ground, her adoptive family is brutally slain and she is forced to flee for her life with the temple’s greatest treasure—one part of the ancient scroll.

There are many who would claim the dragon’s wish for their own. Kage Tatsumi, a mysterious samurai of the Shadow Clan, is one such hunter, under orders to retrieve the scroll…at any cost. Fate brings Kage and Yumeko together. With a promise to lead him to the scroll, an uneasy alliance is formed, offering Yumeko her best hope for survival. But he seeks what she has hidden away, and her deception could ultimately tear them both apart.

With an army of demons at her heels and the unlikeliest of allies at her side, Yumeko’s secrets are more than a matter of life or death. They are the key to the fate of the world itself.

I received this audiobook via the Sync YA summer program. For the most part, I enjoyed the story. I always love, in particular, when fantasy novels depart from the traditional American/British/French settings and cultures. Yumeko was an interesting character. In part, she’s a well-used trope, a naive girl who has some reason to know nothing about the outside world, and thus learns about the outside world alongside the reader. Despite this being a trope, however, Kagawa’s approach to Yumeko’s journey feels different, as her journey is paired with a set of adventures that read more like parables or fairy tales than simple “learn about the world” moments. It was an interesting way to tell the story, and Yumeko herself was endearing and wonderful.

There were a few things I disliked about the book as well. There’s a long section in the middle that feels too repetitive: travel, adventure, pick up a new member for the group, travel, adventure, pickup a new member…etc. I also thought that for a seasoned warrior for the Shadow Clan, Tatsumi is extremely naive and blind through a big chunk of the story. It’s a quality that makes him interesting but also slightly stretching believability. Lastly, the audio narration (read by Joy Osmanski, Emily Woo Zeller, and Brian Nishii) was not my favorite, as they often used exaggerated accents, inflections, and styles common in YA audiobooks.

However, despite the small negatives, I’m definitely going to be reading the next book. Shadow of the Fox ended on a perfect note – just enough cliffhanger and new information introduced to completely hook me! Soul of the Sword (book 2) is supposed to release later this month, and I can’t wait!!

Posted in 2019, Prose, Young Adult | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Um…Tuesday Coffee? Graduation!

I meant to post Sunday, but life went from the planned “busy” to the unplanned “insanity” over the weekend:

Jason’s parents were due to arrive either Wednesday evening or on Thursday. They were driving down in their RV, which they just purchased used, which may not have been the best choice as first their a/c went out in Oklahoma and caused the first delay (now they should arrive Friday), and then their brakes went out about an hour north of San Antonio and left them stranded on the side of the road. Jason had come home from work an hour early to help us with all the baking, prepping, shopping, and decorating we were doing for the next day’s events. He immediately had to go out in Friday rush hour traffic to go pick up his mother. The hour-long trip took two hours re: rush hour, and Jason’s dad had to stay on the side of the road while he waited for a specialty tow truck. Then when that finally arrived, the RV was carted off to New Braunsfels to a place that claimed to fix RVs…until the RV actually arrived around 10pm. Grandpa had to park the RV in a lot and then Jason had to drive another hour north to get him and bring him back to San Antonio, finally getting home around midnight. And of course, Grandpa had to drive back to New Braunsfels between the two events on Saturday to move the RV to another dealership to fix.

In the meantime, my mom called to tell me that my almost-91-year-old grandpa was in the hospital with a septic gallbladder, and my family was doing hospital rotations to be with him and my grandma, so no one knew who would be where the next day during the grad party. (No new news on this yet, and with all the crazy I haven’t been able to go see him yet. Hopefully soon.)

(piping credit: Ambrose!)

Saturday at least ran mostly smoothly. Morrigan had decided to get baptized into the LDS church, which happened Saturday morning. Then we had about an hour or so to get ready for his graduation party (hence all the prep work the day before) while Jason’s dad went up to deal with the RV. We did all the last minute prep and were ready when guests started to arrive. The party went smoothly. People seemed to enjoy it. There wasn’t a lot of cleanup. That’s about the best I could hope for! Afterwards, we all went out to eat and then crashed out early.

Sunday was a catch-up day for cleaning and paperwork, and of course prepping for Monday, which involved graduation practice and the actual Graduation event. Monday was a long, crowded, hot, chaotic day, but a lot of family showed up to watch Morrigan cross the stage, and we got some good photos afterwards. My favorite was of the boys together:

More photos available on my instagram.

After graduation, we spent nearly an hour in rush hour traffic (sigh) then had dinner at Texas Roadhouse, one of Morrigan’s favorites. Then it was home-and-crash-in-bed time! Today, Jason is back to work, and I need to go do all the chores and paperwork and errands that we’ve neglected for the last week before Morrigan’s oral surgery (wisdom teeth removal) tomorrow morning. Busy busy busy! See y’all soon!

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The Bride Test, by Helen Hoang

Khai believes he has no feelings after a combination of his autism and his odd reactions to grief lead him to that logical conclusion. He’s irritated when his mother brings Esme over from Vietnam to be his potential bride, and sets her up in his house. Esme is on a mission to make a new home for her family back in Vietnam. Neither of them expect things to go exactly as they do…

Honestly, I could just take 90% of what I said about The Kiss Quotient and repeat it here. This was a delightful book, a fun romance, with brilliantly-written characters and a handful of cultural and political topics (autism, immigration, classism) mixed in to give it depth. I loved every minute of it and can’t wait to see what Hoang writes next.

Posted in 2019, Adult, Prose | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

211 Days

November 5th to June 4th – seven months – 211 days. November 5th was my last binge. I made it to 100 days on February 13th, and it was the longest I’d gone without a binge since I began binge-eating that disastrous year in Boston (2014-2015). Of course, just because I’d made it 100 days didn’t mean I was going to end the streak! In mid-April, around day 160, I stopped keeping count. And yesterday, on a day that I’ve calculated to be Day 211, I binged.

Why? I haven’t got a clue. I said back in February that I tend to binge when I have a lot of anxiety, and it’s especially bad if that anxiety doesn’t have a source that I can pinpoint. The last few days have been filled with that generalized, source-less anxiety, so that I feel triggered without knowing why. I spent three days fighting the urge to binge before breaking down around mid-day. And so this morning, I feel simultaneously gross/shaky from all the consumption and calm because the urge to binge has passed. I still don’t know why, and can only make guesses.

Maybe it’s because this time last year I found out my uncle was dying, and a friend of mine also died, and my house was suddenly totaled in four rooms. Your amygdala stores those feelings and can trigger you on those days for years to come. Maybe it’s because on Sunday, I strained my upper back muscles during my workout, so that they’ve been tight and tense. Since they also get tight and tense when I’m under immense anxiety, maybe my f-ed up brain was misinterpreting those signals. Maybe it’s simply because with school ending, my routines will be upended, and on top of that, there have been multiple last-minute changes for days now, and stress about graduation and grad parties and the million things that will be happening this month…

Does it matter? Not really. I binged. 211 days is a long time, and now I start the count over. I made it all the way to June 4th before having my first binge of 2019, and who knows, maybe it’ll be the only one. Now, I just need to accept, recover, and start again, not dwell on the “why”s.

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May 2019 in Review

Hello! I’m still on break, but I wanted to pop in for my monthly review, particularly because May turned out to be a fairly good month! Tons happened, and almost all of it (except for one particular medical scare from Jason) has been positive. Advance warning – because so much happened and because I haven’t posted all month, this post will be LONG. Continue reading

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Break

It’s no secret that I’ve barely been on my blog for the last two months. I’m hardly reading, not really writing/posting, not really looking at my feed reader, etc. I’m repeating the same things over and over, and I’m getting tired of doing so. With the summer coming up and a lot on my family’s plate both in scheduling and in health, I’m going to take some time away from blogging. I’ll probably still post month-in-reviews and maybe a book review here or there, but I’m officially taking away the pressure to post on a more regular basis. I’ve done this over the summers before and usually return invigorated by the end of August when my boys start in school again. Hopefully it’s the same this year. In the meantime, I plan to focus more on my feed reader and connecting with all of you, instead of spending my time trying to force out posts here when I’m not feeling it. See you all on the other side!

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Sunday Coffee – The Power of Good Narration

This week I listened to a book, title not to be mentioned here, read by my favorite audio narrator, Kate Reading. (If you need to know, you can check out my 2019 Books page for book #20.) This is a story of how a truly good audio narration can alter a book. This is a perfect example. If I were to write a review for this book, which I won’t, I would mention stuff like:

– There’s no plot. The entire book is world-building and character-building and setup for book 2.

– In a book where thousands of humans are culled from all times/places and brought to a single location, there are ridiculously few non-white (three so far) and post-current-day (one so far). Also, of course the bad guys culled from history are going to be WWII nazis.

– The book needed some serious copyediting. There were lines like, “They were dirty and sweaty, their faces streaked with mud and dirt.”

If I’d picked this book off a library shelf and begun to read, I likely wouldn’t have finished it. The world-building was interesting and compelling, but eventually I would have needed more than that. And yet, I read the entire book – because Kate Reading is amazing.

Kate Reading kept me engaged even when the story didn’t. She helped me to connect with the characters and get past things that normally irritate me to no end in stories and in writing. Despite all my issues with the book, I never considered abandoning it, and I’ve even considered picking up the next in the series when it releases. If and only if Reading will be narrating again. To me, that shows the true power of a fantastic audio performer – to take a book and make it great, regardless of where the book lies on its own.

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April 2019 in Review

It has been a very busy month for us. As a senior in high school, Morrigan has had event after event after event this month, and beyond that, we’ve been pushing hard to finish our front yard after 14 months of work. Blogging fell to the wayside again this month as other things took precedence. I’m looking forward to getting things back to a more even (and predictable) rhythm soon. (Ha! It’s almost school’s-out-for-the-summer…say goodbye to routine!)

Books
I managed to read a few books this month – five – but honestly I was forcing myself to read, at least until I got to my favorite: What Alice Forgot. That one was so good that I used an Audible credit and then reread it via audio immediately, then didn’t pick anything else up for the rest of the month.

Movies
Last year when I was going out to see a lot of movies, I’d watch the trailers and find so many movies that I’d want to see next. This year, I’ve gone to half a dozen movies in theatre, and I’ve seen the same trailers pretty much at every one. So there are a few movies coming out this year that I want to see, but not many, not like last year. The only movie I went to see this month was Clue, which of course came out in the 80s. And since I’ve watched pretty much all of my backlist now, I mostly spent the month binge-watching a few Netflix shows instead. Favorite: Big Dreams, Small Spaces.

House
We made a big push to finish the front yard this month, since we had family coming for Easter. Because of some miscommunication in plans, one of the projects became much bigger than it was supposed to be, so we’re still not 100% done. However, we’re very, very close, and I hope plan to finish this by the end of May.

Health
I was so hopeful when this month began. I finally had a doctor listening to me and testing so many things. I thought the answers would be soon forthcoming and I’d have a path out of this nightmare. Only then the tests came back with no answers, and more steroids still didn’t get rid of the hives and inflammation, and I was back to square one. My nose is still messed up (everything still smells like rotten onions), I still can’t sleep, my depression and fatigue make it difficult to do anything at all. You know that metaphor about the spoons and chronic illness? I have like two spoons a day and I have to use one of them just to get out of bed. There was one day when I was on my steroid treatment that my alarm rang and I popped out of bed, throwing the covers off, and this felt simultaneously normal and foreign. That’s how it used to be for me all the time, and it’s been years since that was the case. Even when Jason and I had three infants/toddlers and were barely getting any sleep, I’d still pop out of bed at the alarm and get going immediately. I’m more exhausted now than when I had three babies. This. Is. Not. Normal. 

My doctor put me on a couple new medications toward the end of the month and we’ll see where it goes from here. (I’ve had no hives since then, which is definitely a start!) I’d really like to get to the bottom of this though. I’m barely able to function, much less exercise or prepare healthy foods. What energy I’ve had goes toward the yard and making it to Morrigan’s various functions and attending doctors’ appointments (mine and the boys’). After that, I’m tapped out, and I’ve consequently spent a lot of time watching TV as I recover!

Highlights of April
My world was quite insular in April. Other than appointments and Morrigan’s functions, I rarely left the house, so many of my highlights this month are little things I’ve come to love about the place I live.

  • Morrigan’s senior prom
  • Easter brunch with my extended family
  • Morrigan’s senior award night
  • Clue movie party
  • finding all these little lives in the garden – ladybugs and teeny snails on leaves and baby praying mantises and lizards and bees – we have ourselves a mini ecosystem! Honestly, while this is only a single bullet, nearly all my happiness of the month came from watching the garden spring to life.
  • seeing Morrigan on TV with the band for the Battle of Flowers parade
  • an impromptu afternoon hangout at home with a new(ish) friend
  • complements from strangers on my outfit when I went to vote
  • wind-chimes outside in my garden that I can hear from anywhere in my house

Coming up in May
I don’t know. Because of the traumas I experienced in May back in 2014 and 2015 both, the last few years of Mays have been very PTSD-laden. I can tell myself that I’ll fight against this or whatever, but you can’t control what your amygdala does to you. Memory-echos are powerful things. I’m hoping that four years out is enough that I can function this year. Fingers crossed. Especially since we’re going to be prepping for the summer, which in addition to being harder for me (as my job becomes 24/7 nonstop once the kids are off school), will involve college visits for Ambrose, a trip for Morrigan’s college orientation, surgeries for both Jason and Morrigan, moving Morrigan across the country in August, and my brother-in-law’s wedding. This all, of course, on top of the ongoing medical issues. May is my last month of semi-freedom until September, and I’d like to make the most of it, PTSD be damned. Fingers crossed!

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Wellness Wednesday – Bloodwork

I’ve had so much bloodwork and other testing in the last month! Unfortunately, we’ve had no answers from any of it. I can tell you that I’m sick of needles at the moment, though.

Allergy+ testing
In late March, I had nine vials of blood drawn to run 28 tests for my allergist. I got the results back in early April. First, let’s just say that I was relieved to find I’m not allergic to my cats. There was some concern that I might have developed an allergy! Second, it turns out that I’m not allergic to any of the pollens and other common irritants they tested me for. Third, I tested negative for mast cell activation syndrome and other hive-related diseases. Yay! In fact, the only thing these tests showed is that I have almost no protection against the 23 strains of strep-pneumonia that are now vaccinated against. This makes me susceptible to sinus infections and bronchitis – I get bacterial bronchitis every time I get a cold! – and so I needed a strep-pneumonia vaccine. (Which I got. And that thing HURT in the days that followed. In fact, even though it’s been three weeks, there’s still a dark spot on my arm where the vaccine lump swelled.)

That vaccine won’t stop the hives, though. It’s purely to keep me from having to get on antibiotics several times a year for bronchitis, sinus infections, and other chronic problems of that kind. My allergist believed that I was still having the same hive attack that came from all my antibiotics/probiotics (since mast cell attacks take 120 days to go away on their own), so she prescribed me another round of steroids. Unfortunately, the hives returned within days of the treatment, so I’m obviously still being exposed to whatever is causing the problem. I’m back to square one and waiting to meet with the doctor again. At this point, it’s been four months of continuous hives and fatigue, and I’m so very tired. 😦

Note: Bloodwork isn’t as accurate as skin testing for allergies, but since I’m on antihistamines, skin-testing isn’t possible. So there’s still a small possibility that I’m allergic to my cats or some other common irritant. However, I’m told it’s unlikely, and that it would be very mild.

Women’s Exam
Everything came out normal. Woohoo! My ob/gyn is concerned about the hives, though. She’s the one who sent me to the allergist I’m seeing, and she says that hives can be an early indicator of an emerging auto-immune disorder. The last time I was tested for a bunch of auto-immune disorders was autumn 2015, so anything’s possible. I see her again in three months for my two-yearly hormone panels (related to PCOS), and I guess it’s possible we’ll explore further testing then.

Check-up
My primary care doc does full-panel bloodwork twice a year, and I came due mid-April. I was particularly interested to see how this panel went because a lot has changed in the last six months. The two big things that come to mind are the four months of chronic hives/inflammation, and the switch to a higher carb diet about a month before the tests. I also wondered how the tests might be skewed by the fact that I’d just gotten off a steroid round two days beforehand.

On the plus side: My fasting glucose dropped from the low 90s (over the last two years of tests) to 72, my cholesterol (previously on the high end of normal) dropped to levels I haven’t seen since I was much thinner, and my LDL cholesterol is normal for the first time ever (even lower than when I was at my thinnest/fittest). My HDL cholesterol is back up to normal too, probably because I reincorporated some wine into my diet. Additionally, I track several liver measurements because of my high-iron blood disorder, and both of those decreased dramatically as well.

Neutrally: My A1C (long term marker of insulin fluctuation, as an indicator for diabetes) remained exactly where it always is, on the high end of normal.

On the downside: My triglycerides are back up, probably because I’ve had an increase in sugar consumption with the increase in carbs. I’ve also had an increase in some numbers I watch for my iron disorder (hemoglobin, hematocrit) and both are slightly too high again. These two are always borderline, though, and I have a feeling they were influenced by the steroid use, as the steroids cause dehydration which in turn causes elevation of those two numbers. Last, my TSH (thyroid) increased to the highest it’s ever tested (3.6) which is still technically considered normal but probably has a lot to do with the chronic fatigue I’ve been feeling.

So generally, I saw a significant increase in two numbers, but dramatic improvements in several other measures. I had my follow-up with the doctor yesterday, and we had a lot to talk about: chronic fatigue/inflammation, four months of hives, eight years of insomnia, five years of depression, and sixteen months of smell loss/distortion. Clearly, something is very, very wrong, and I need someone to figure out what the hell is going on now. I need someone to really listen to me and not just blame all this on my weight or age. Unfortunately, my doctor has gotten so busy and overbooked that he no longer spends time talking to his patients. I remember having actual conversations with him a few years back. Yesterday’s appointment was the new typical: five minutes with two other strangers in the room and my doctor cutting me off mid-sentence every time I tried to talk. In the end, he prescribed an antidepressant and a prescription-strength antihistamine, then said he’d see me again in a month. And even though I said the insomnia and anosmia were the most pressing, longterm issues, he didn’t even bother to address them. This, of course, just contributes to my frustration, and I’m just about at the point of looking for a new doctor. Again.

Square 1. I seem to live here these days.

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What Alice Forgot, by Liane Moriarty

When Alice wakes up from a fall and knock on the head, she doesn’t know where she is or what’s happening. In her mind, she’s 29, in love with her husband, and a few months into her first pregnancy. In reality, she’s 39, a mother of three, and going through a very nasty divorce.

First: This is the first book I’ve read in months that I was fully invested in and couldn’t stop reading. That felt good.

Second: Alice’s situation is closely related to one of my worst fears. As a teen, I once read a book about a girl who went into a coma around the age of 13 and didn’t wake up for four years. She had no memory of those four years of course, and everything around her had changed, including her body. I used to have nightmares about this situation – falling asleep and waking up to find so much of the world altered. Not knowing, not remembering, is a terrifying thing. With Alice’s situation, there was always the assurance that eventually, her memory would return, so it’s not quite as scary. The “in the meantime” moments, however, were difficult. Even though I loved the book, it was hard to read with my personal fear.

Third: The best part of this book involves spoilers, so you’ll want to stop reading if you don’t want to know them. The whole setup of this book is that Alice spends the days after her fall acting like her 29-year-old self. She doesn’t know her children, she doesn’t remember her friends, she doesn’t recognized her changed body. And especially, she doesn’t understand the change in her relationships from the last ten years. Slowly, she pushes people to tell her things that happened with friends and family and her husband, Nick. She pushes him to talk to her as well, trying to get him to come back to her and for them to be a family again. As the days pass, Nick softens little by little, and he tells her some of things that they fought over and how trivial things got between them. When Alice’s memory inevitably returns, she gets a new perspective on the things he told her, and the quotes cut down to the core. Some examples:

Of course she’d told Gina she was pregnant with Olivia before she told Nick. Nick was in the UK for two weeks. He only called twice.

and:

It was not “cherries.” It was half a fruit platter. A beautifully presented fruit platter she’d spent the morning making to take to his mother’s place. She was rushing around trying to get the children dressed and instead of helping, he was reading the paper and happily eating his way through the fruit platter, as if Alice were the hired help.

All throughout Alice’s amnesia, the idea is presented that in her missing ten years, she became a bitter, nasty wife who took advantage of her husband’s time and money, and who treated him like an afterthought and a perpetual money machine. Alice didn’t like the person she’d become. And when her memory comes back, her bitterness and nastiness and anger all slot into place. Nick didn’t help with the children, didn’t pay attention to her concerns, didn’t listen to her, didn’t involve himself in family affairs, didn’t notice her or the things happening around him. He was career-driven and content to have her take care of 100% of the house, kids, school, and daily life of the family. And then complained about being treated unfairly when she wasn’t happy.

I’ve rarely read about the dissolution of a marriage (not involving infidelity etc) that has been captured so well in all its nuances. The way Moriarty was able to turn perspective like that was brilliant. The book was equal parts satisfying, distressing, painful, and nostalgic. It’s by far my favorite of Moriarty’s that I’ve read so far.

Additionally, the book goes into other deep topics, from infertility and miscarriage to friendships that become lifelines, from the way negative emotions can unintentionally get tied up in your relationships with your children to the tricky navigation of dating post-separation. It also asks the question – if you lost ten years of your life, what would you want your ten-years-younger self to know? And what would she tell you if she could see what you’d become? I finished the book a week ago, and I still haven’t gotten the question out of my mind. That right there, even without all the rest, marks the novel as a great one.

*****
See also: Callback Review from 2021.

Posted in 2019, 2021, 2022, 2023, Adult, Prose | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments