April 2019 in Review

It has been a very busy month for us. As a senior in high school, Morrigan has had event after event after event this month, and beyond that, we’ve been pushing hard to finish our front yard after 14 months of work. Blogging fell to the wayside again this month as other things took precedence. I’m looking forward to getting things back to a more even (and predictable) rhythm soon. (Ha! It’s almost school’s-out-for-the-summer…say goodbye to routine!)

I managed to read a few books this month – five – but honestly I was forcing myself to read, at least until I got to my favorite: What Alice Forgot. That one was so good that I used an Audible credit and then reread it via audio immediately, then didn’t pick anything else up for the rest of the month.

Last year when I was going out to see a lot of movies, I’d watch the trailers and find so many movies that I’d want to see next. This year, I’ve gone to half a dozen movies in theatre, and I’ve seen the same trailers pretty much at every one. So there are a few movies coming out this year that I want to see, but not many, not like last year. The only movie I went to see this month was Clue, which of course came out in the 80s. And since I’ve watched pretty much all of my backlist now, I mostly spent the month binge-watching a few Netflix shows instead. Favorite: Big Dreams, Small Spaces.

We made a big push to finish the front yard this month, since we had family coming for Easter. Because of some miscommunication in plans, one of the projects became much bigger than it was supposed to be, so we’re still not 100% done. However, we’re very, very close, and I hope plan to finish this by the end of May.

I was so hopeful when this month began. I finally had a doctor listening to me and testing so many things. I thought the answers would be soon forthcoming and I’d have a path out of this nightmare. Only then the tests came back with no answers, and more steroids still didn’t get rid of the hives and inflammation, and I was back to square one. My nose is still messed up (everything still smells like rotten onions), I still can’t sleep, my depression and fatigue make it difficult to do anything at all. You know that metaphor about the spoons and chronic illness? I have like two spoons a day and I have to use one of them just to get out of bed. There was one day when I was on my steroid treatment that my alarm rang and I popped out of bed, throwing the covers off, and this felt simultaneously normal and foreign. That’s how it used to be for me all the time, and it’s been years since that was the case. Even when Jason and I had three infants/toddlers and were barely getting any sleep, I’d still pop out of bed at the alarm and get going immediately. I’m more exhausted now than when I had three babies. This. Is. Not. Normal. 

My doctor put me on a couple new medications toward the end of the month and we’ll see where it goes from here. (I’ve had no hives since then, which is definitely a start!) I’d really like to get to the bottom of this though. I’m barely able to function, much less exercise or prepare healthy foods. What energy I’ve had goes toward the yard and making it to Morrigan’s various functions and attending doctors’ appointments (mine and the boys’). After that, I’m tapped out, and I’ve consequently spent a lot of time watching TV as I recover!

Highlights of April
My world was quite insular in April. Other than appointments and Morrigan’s functions, I rarely left the house, so many of my highlights this month are little things I’ve come to love about the place I live.

  • Morrigan’s senior prom
  • Easter brunch with my extended family
  • Morrigan’s senior award night
  • Clue movie party
  • finding all these little lives in the garden – ladybugs and teeny snails on leaves and baby praying mantises and lizards and bees – we have ourselves a mini ecosystem! Honestly, while this is only a single bullet, nearly all my happiness of the month came from watching the garden spring to life.
  • seeing Morrigan on TV with the band for the Battle of Flowers parade
  • an impromptu afternoon hangout at home with a new(ish) friend
  • complements from strangers on my outfit when I went to vote
  • wind-chimes outside in my garden that I can hear from anywhere in my house

Coming up in May
I don’t know. Because of the traumas I experienced in May back in 2014 and 2015 both, the last few years of Mays have been very PTSD-laden. I can tell myself that I’ll fight against this or whatever, but you can’t control what your amygdala does to you. Memory-echos are powerful things. I’m hoping that four years out is enough that I can function this year. Fingers crossed. Especially since we’re going to be prepping for the summer, which in addition to being harder for me (as my job becomes 24/7 nonstop once the kids are off school), will involve college visits for Ambrose, a trip for Morrigan’s college orientation, surgeries for both Jason and Morrigan, moving Morrigan across the country in August, and my brother-in-law’s wedding. This all, of course, on top of the ongoing medical issues. May is my last month of semi-freedom until September, and I’d like to make the most of it, PTSD be damned. Fingers crossed!

About Amanda

Agender empty-nester filling my time with cats, books, fitness, and photography. She/they.
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