Sunday Coffee – Why I Don’t Read Diet Books

Posted on April 11, 2021 by Thistle

I love health, nutrition, and fitness books that focus on science and aren’t trying to sell diets, but miraculous, cure-all diet books? No. Sometimes, though, I check them out from the library for a particular reason and have to skim through them to find what I’m looking for. The Adrenal Reset Diet was one of those cases.

Background: When I saw my endocrinologist in early March, she suggested that I might be suffering from Cushing’s Syndrome, which is a disorder where your adrenal glands are malfunctioning and your cortisol production is abnormally high. (That’s a very general description but I’m not going into the full science of it!) I do have a lot of the symptoms of Cushing’s, so I wanted to read about it. (I’ve since learned that no, I do not have it.) Unfortunately, the internet is pretty much divided between websites that describe the symptoms and testing procedures (like Mayo Clinic) and sites that want to sell a dietary cure or homeopathic remedy (no, no, no!). It’s difficult to research things like “what types of foods might help or worsen the symptoms of Cushing’s” without falling into a rabbit hole. But since I wasn’t going to see the endocrinologist again for a month, I got a little more specific in my search. I wanted to see if there was a link between coffee and cortisol production, particularly in abnormal cases such as Cushing’s. That led me to an article discussing Alan Christianson and his work with resetting cortisol rhythms. Specifically about his evaluation of coffee in relation to cortisol, which was discussed in his book, The Adrenal Reset Diet.

Now, when I checked out The Adrenal Reset Diet from the library, I knew that it was a diet book, and I had no interest in following said supposedly-miraculous-diet. I just wanted to find the information about coffee and cortisol. So imagine my disappointment when I discovered that 1) there was no information about coffee at all in this book, only caffeine, and 2) the only mention of coffee/caffeine at all was a one-paragraph bit about how you should keep your caffeine consumption to early in the morning if you’re having trouble sleeping. Really. Really???? UGH. Talk about false advertising, yeah?

Anyway, in skimming through the book, I reaffirmed my hatred of diet books. Not only is the supposedly-miraculous adrenal reset diet (ARD) just a rehash of the same stuff you’ve heard a million times in a million other places, but it advocates for a dangerously low calorie diet. The thing is, Christianson can fool people into thinking he’s not giving them an insanely low cal diet because he pretends that calories aren’t part of the equation. As someone who is interested in the math of things, though, I’m not even remotely fooled. Take this bit in particular:

Page 60-61, direct quote: Carbs should make up between 35 and 45% of your calories. … In terms of grams, 75 to 90 grams per day is best for most adults who exercise under an hour per day.

Christianson goes on to describe the approximate size and amounts of carbs and when during the day they should be consumed, and he warns not to go below 50 grams or risk getting tired and losing muscle. But if you do the math here, you find what’s really disturbing about the numbers he just gave. Let’s just assume the best possible scenario in terms of “largest number of calories” here. That would be 35% of your calories coming from carbs (so that you have 65% from other stuff), and 90 grams of carbs per day at the high end. So 90 grams of carbs = 360 calories, and if 360 calories is 35% of your calories, your maximum calorie load is 1029 cals. Now let’s take the opposite spectrum – 45% of your calories at 75 grams: 75 grams = 300 calories, at 45% = a total daily calorie intake of 667 calories. So this “miraculous” diet gives you a general range of 667-1029 calories per day, and assumes you can exercise up to an hour a day on this and be fine.

This is 100% WTF eating disorder sh!t. This “doctor” is advocating a diet that will starve you, destroy your metabolism, and completely f*ck up your entire hormone and metabolic system, all in the name of some miracle cure for cortisol abnormalities (which of course is the answer for every health question under the sun, naturally, so that everyone should follow this diet!).

This is why I don’t read diet books. They are f*cking dangerous and unethical, and I think the “doctors” who write them should be stripped of their medical licenses and censured by the medical community. (Not that “Dr” Christianson has a medical license. He’s an NMD, not an MD, and the difference is HUGE.) No thanks, “Dr” Christianson. I will not be following your BS diet plan.

Normally I don’t post about books that I don’t read entirely, nor do I rip books/authors apart in this fashion. However, when it comes to books/authors who are actively advocating dangerous and unethical diets, yeah I’m 100% going to call that out. Do yourself a favor and leave this book on the shelves. This “doctor” and his diet are nothing but trouble.

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Quarantine Diaries – Weeks 55 and 56

Posted on April 9, 2021 by Thistle

Still sitting in equilibrium here in SA. There’s been little news or developments, and we’re in a race against this disease with vaccines now…

Week 55 – March 26 to April 1
205,777 cases, 3,152 deaths, 190 seven-day rolling average (continuing to increase, sadly), 2.1% positivity rate (down 0.2%). Hospitals are sticking around the same level, about 185-200 people admitted, definitely not going down anymore. No reports from the school this week. In good news, San Antonio passed 500k folks with a first dose of vaccine, and nearly 300K folks are fully vaccinated.

There hasn’t been a lot of major local news this week, just lots of little things. Easter camping at Brackenridge is once again shut down this year. The Catholic church decided to open all pews instead of every other pew in SA. The SA city council approved a vaccine wait list because people have been so frustrated by their inability to get an appointment. (Remember how I said last week that those with time and tech skills will be the ones to get in first? Yeah.) The weekday briefing in SA has been dropped to twice a week while our numbers are low. San Antonio is FINALLY starting to get in more vaccine doses than we were originally allocated (something about the population numbers got mixed up and we were getting far less than we should have been for months now). Morgan’s Wonderland is partnering with local hospitals to get one-dose J&J vaccines to special needs kids aged 16+, and their parents (the Gordon Hartman foundation is amazing, y’all!).

(hospital data through the end of March)

Bizarrely, the one bit of big news is from Austin (north of us) but may affect us eventually. They’re the city/county that decided they can enforce a mask mandate even though the governor removed the statewide mandate, because they say their mandate is from the health department rather than the city government. That, of course, went straight into court proceedings, and this week the initial ruling is in their favor. Went straight to appeal, and we’ll wait to see what happens then. But if it goes well, then our health department can do the same because precedent will be set. We’ll see!

At home, lots of good things are happening. Jason, Ambrose, and Laurence all had their first Pfizer vaccines this week. Hurrah! The boys are scheduled for their second doses in three weeks, and Jason is scheduled for four (because his vaccine location is the city-run one that has a lot of delays). My sister Becky and her husband Jeff both finally got their second doses (their pharmacy hadn’t gotten in another shipment since their first!). My sister Aaren got hers through work, and her husband is fully done now. So on the vaccine front, my family is moving along and I’m soooooo happy about that. On the negative side, this was of course the week my grandpa passed away, with limited ability to visit him in the hospital re: covid, but I’m glad at least that my mom got to visit him and my grandma was with him when he passed. It’s also my second experience with a doctor’s office not paying attention to their own mask rules, with multiple doctors and nurses this time either without masks or not wearing them properly. Sheesh guys! You medical professionals should be the best about this!

Week 56 – April 2 to 8
208,606 cases, 3,222 deaths, 187 seven-day rolling average, 2.1% positivity rate (no change). Hospital numbers are creeping back up slightly. At our school, one student and one employee were diagnosed with covid this week. I’m grateful that number isn’t higher, because 1) Laurence is going in next week for a theatre audition in person, and 2) Community Labs is reporting a major increase in one school district, going from 12 cases to 59 in a single week.

Officials in SA are now monitoring for the India variant of covid, though so far there have been no confirmed reports. We remain at six confirmed reports of the UK variant. There were also reports of two “breakthrough” cases of covid – people who contracted the disease after being fully vaccinated. Both cases included exposure more than a month after their second doses. However, both cases involved very close contact with a household member with covid, neither got severe cases, and both have fully recovered. So the good news is that the vaccine really helps not just in prevention, but in disease severity and recovery! Generally vaccines continue to go smoothly here, and the priority no-appointment-needed age group has dropped from 80 to 75 this week.

We got amazing news this week. Well, at least it’s amazing for me! The city has decided to open up some city services again! Swimming pools will open in May – last year they didn’t open at all, and I’m so looking forward to swimming again! Park pavilions can be rented out again. And the best news of all: the libraries will open up on April 13th for “brisk browsing” (with masks, temp checks, one-way traffic, etc). I haven’t been into my library, my second home, for 13 months and you better believe I will be there on April 13th!!! Life is starting to get closer to normal now. Hey, I even had a Girl’s Night Out last night – on a patio, masked when not eating – to help celebrate a friend turning in her PhD dissertation this week! Look at all of us SMILING there – we have mouths again! Ha! (Woman of the hour pictured in the middle at the head of the table.)

Moving forward
I feel like we’re in the Nine of Wands phase of this, the “you must keep going even though you’re so tired, you’re almost there, just keep going” phase. In another week or three, my family will have all their shots, and in a month, we’ll all be fully vaccinated. More and more folks I know are getting there. Soon. Soon.

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Wellness Wednesday – Hikes of 2021, #24-29

Posted on April 7, 2021 by Thistle

Lots of state parks this time around! I’ve been doing a bit less over this period as I’m trying to protect my foot, still waiting for my MRI and to find out if it’s broken or has soft tissue damage or what. Technically I’m supposed to stop hiking altogether for now…but that’s not happening. Not until I have a true cause. With the way doctors have been baffled by my body over the last twenty years, I’m not going to stop on off-chances.

24. Enchanted Rock is incredible – a solid granite dome that goes up at a very steep incline (more than 30 grade in most places). I discussed this particular hike in more detail in its own post, but I wanted to take a moment to record some of the little things from that day:  a stuffed animal puppy wearing a mask; a baby who was clearly not walking yet but standing by the various rocks excited to be at the park; little craggy oasis spots with random trees growing out of the granite or the tiniest succulents I’ve ever seen; two kids who looked like twins wearing giant fuzzy dinosaur hoodies that went down to their feet; a new kind of cryptid at the Fredericksburg library(ha!); going to lunch at a German biergarten (outdoor seating!); a car with a Buddy the Elf sticker on the back that had a waving hand attached to the windshield wipers. [Hike 15/52 for my 52 Hike Challenge.]

Continue reading →

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Becoming Odyssa, by Jennifer Pharr Davis

Posted on April 5, 2021 by Thistle

Subtitled: Epic Adventures on the Appalachian Trail.

In 2005, Pharr Davis was just out of college and not sure what to do with her life. All she knew was that she wanted to hike the entire Appalachian Trail, solo, and she had a vague idea that once she reached the end, she would have her life figured out. And while things may not have worked out exactly as she wanted or expected, she did indeed hike the entire 2175 miles of the AT. This book is about her time on the trail, both the lows and the highs of that adventure, and the journey to embody her chosen trail name: Odyssa.

Things I learned from this book:

  1. I want a trail name.
  2. Maybe I would actually like to try backpacking and camping.
  3. The AT sounded really great until we got to the mosquito bit in Massachusetts. Just another reason to never want to go to MA again!
  4. Trail magic is awesome and I think it’s now become a bucket list goal of mine to deliver trail magic to thru-hikers on the AT (or another tough long trail).

I really enjoyed this book. I like the Pharr Davis didn’t sugarcoat the rough stuff, from getting struck by lightning to coming across a suicide victim. She never said any of this was easy, even during the times that were easier. I loved the stories from along the way, and the connections she made, and the visuals she drew of the world around her along this four-month, cross-country hike.

The only thing I wasn’t really fond of was the inherent biases that she showed. Pharr Davis is a very religious person, and she talks a lot about faith and God and her religious beliefs. That was fine, but every once in awhile, something would slip out that showed some severe bias (like calling non-Christian hikers on the trail a bunch of “left-wing anti-fundamentalists”). It was cringy. So fair warning to others who may read this.

I doubt that I’ll ever hike the AT. Time, money, and family obligations would prevent me, and if not for those, there are my born-crooked feet that are prone to injury (in addition to the whole chain of injuries that feet tend to set off in knees, hips, back…). But I’ve thought about hiking parts of it, and this book made me think about that even more. It was nice to read along with someone else’s journey, and I’m inspired to maybe step out of my comfort zone just a little.

Posted in 2021, Adult, Prose | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Sunday Coffee – Podcast and Song Recommendations

Posted on April 4, 2021 by Thistle

Last year, I found my first ever Podcast that I enjoyed – Real Life Ghost Stories Podcast. Since then, I’ve found two others. The first is the weekly Unsolved Mysteries podcast, which only began this year. The second is The Battersea Poltergeist, which is a short set of episodes on the topic from the BBC. Beyond this, I’ve never been able to get into podcasts, but recently I’ve really wanted more to listen to. Despite all of the above being either paranormal or paranormal/true crime, I’m actually open to suggestions on just about any topic, so feel free to tell me about all your favorites! I’m just as picky in this area as in books and music, so who knows what I’ll actually settle on, but I’d love more!

I’m also looking for song recommendations. I’m in the process of making a playlist from songs that make me feel like I can take on the world with my bare hands. I’ve posted about this on FB and Insta already, and gotten many wonderful suggestions to sort through. But I thought I’d ask here too. Some of those already on my list include This Is Me from the Greatest Showman, Move Along by The All-American Rejects, Radioactive by Imagine Dragons, Blauw Angel by Umbrella Brigade, Feel This Moment by Pitbull/Christina Aguilera, and Good Girls by Elle King. It’s a very eclectic list and is only likely to get more so! So give me all your suggestions please!

PS – Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate! It’s a weird year for us – my boys are really too old to hunt eggs and neither really wanted to just at the house, and my family still isn’t getting together so much re: covid and the recent death in the family. So we bought a couple bags of candy and I think we’re going to go play crochet in the park today.

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March 2021 Wrap-up

Posted on April 2, 2021 by Thistle

What a weird, weird month. Most of March was actually pretty nice. I had a lot of good moments, learned some things about myself, had tons of birthday celebrations, etc. Ambrose got his first job, Jason and the boys got their first vaccine doses, and things were generally going well until the end of the month, when my family lost a member on the 29th, which of course was fraught with complications since there’s a pandemic in place! But I’ve talked about that in its own post already, so let me move on to how March wrapped up.

Reading and Watching
Hey! I actually managed to read a bit this month! Not much – finished 3 books and have another in progress – but it’s something. I also watched a few new-to-me movies, both older but I’ve never seen them: Dr. Strangelove (saw the very beginning and very end in college, missing all of the middle, so I had no idea WTF was going on, ha!) and The Devil Wears Prada. Both were excellent! Otherwise the only thing I’ve been watching is my recent binging of Temptation Island, which is like uuuuugh but also very addictive and helped me when I was extremely f–ked up about my grandpa this month.

Goals
What are these? Seriously, though, my 2021 goals are basically a bust. I created them before I had some major health and household changes at the end of the year, and I doubt I’ll focus on them at all this year. I suppose that I did get a personal answer about the career exploration I’ve been doing, with an ah-ha moment about school and anxiety and aversion. I’ll have to see where things go from there. Trying to approach this cautiously.

Health
This was a month focused on doctors. I saw three specialists in addition to my regular doctor, and had multiple x-rays, ultrasounds, blood tests, and MRIs, with more to come (some results still en route to me). After years of struggling to get anyone to listen to me, I suddenly have All The Things happening at once, and it’s a bit overwhelming. Especially while also dealing with Pandemic PTSD and my grandfather’s situation. I don’t have answers yet, but at least I have progress. (Pic: WTF is up with my left foot??)

In my stats this month, I exercised on 19 days for a total of ~21 hours, including 5 yoga, 45.5 miles hiked/run/walked, and 12 days of social fitness. I tried to do well with my fruits/veggies, averaging 2.9 daily this month, but sadly I’m doing sooooo bad when it comes to controlling how much coffee I drink. I’m like 99% sure that coffee is what’s keeping me from losing weight, and yet I can’t seem to give the stuff up! Ugh. I ended up gaining about a pound from Day 1 to Day 31, making it a total of 8 lbs gained in 2021 so far. But! I’m pretty sure I know why I’m suddenly gaining like this, as well as where my fatigue, depression, and other symptoms are coming from, thanks to the bloodwork I took a few days ago and some strict food-tracking. That’s a subject for its own post, though!

House
The back siding and porch-building are still in progress. Goes very slowly when you only have a few evenings and a couple weekend days to work. It’s been a very rainy month, which meant further delays. But it’s coming along. Much of the trim is up on the back of the house, and some of it is painted. The porch sides are built up now as well, and almost ready to paint. One of these days, our yard will no longer be filled with construction supplies!

In the garden area, the nectarine guild is doing phenomenally (pictured below). We’ve had a small bit of fruit (baby nectarines, small strawberries) which we weren’t expecting so quickly, and we have beans, carrots, and garlic all growing well. The marigolds, honeysuckle, and lobelia are blooming like crazy. We set up a makeshift tiny wooden “fence” for the area right by the back of the house, sewn with oats, peas, and fava beans mostly to keep the area from eroding. I’ve begun designing the next phases of the backyard – a wildflower bed (pictured at right) for butterflies, bees, and hummingbirds, to go around the new live oak (with another makeshift “fence”); and a succulent zen garden (not done yet). Jason is planning to string up some fairy lights over the porch as well. And we currently have a hibiscus sitting on the porch until we get a tray to go under it – this will eventually be inside by our very bright dining room windows/doors.

In the front yard, I was delighted to find that the copper canyon daisy is coming back from the roots! The vinca – which we had to raise up with a lot of dirt, meaning much of it got buried – rallied and pulled itself to the surface and is blooming like crazy! The purslane, which we thought was dead-dead after the winter, is growing back from its roots. Plants are seriously so amazing! I’m sad that the lantana is also growing back from the roots. It was there when we bought the house and not planted in a good area for lantana. It’s always half-dead without enough sun, and we were hoping it was gone for good so we could rip it out. But nope! (We still plan to rip it out, but it’s always harder to do that on living plants!)

Favorite photos
As always, these are photos taken by me, and aren’t always the best photography – just photos that I particularly love for one reason or another! Full versions can be seen on FB or Instagram.

Top row: Jennine at the top of Enchanted Rock; garden strawberry; tree tag. Bottom row: hibiscus blooming; snail on the trail; a puddle oasis on top of Enchanted Rock.

Left, top to bottom: Lindsay surprised by her baby shower; itty bitty snail escapes; lobelia flowering. Right top: lizard gives me side-eye. Right bottom: eating the first garden strawberry; lichen growing on the side of a tree at Friedrich Wilderness Park.

Highlights of March
March is a very busy month for my family, especially with the million birthdays everywhere. Busy is often very stressful, and of course the month ended on a sad note as well, but this month produced a lot of wonderful fun moments to break up all the rush rush rush and brighten the sadness.

  • meat-and-veg handpies, cherry handpies (in the air fryer!), and sweet cream ice cream, all homemade from scratch, for my birthday
  • our nectarine tree and strawberry plants got baby fruit! and ohhhh fresh strawberries from the garden, mmmm…
  • the new air fryer. that is all.
  • Molly Galbraith’s new book published, and when I mentioned it online, she DMed me a voice message telling me she remembered me from her Love Your Body Challenge seven years ago, and how much my support has meant over the years
  • my boys got a Switch, so I got a Ring Fit and have enjoyed playing that
  • used part of the tax refund to get a rower!
  • signed up for my first in-person 5K since Feb 2020!
  • I found this lizard in our basil that was trying to camouflage to both the plant and the dirt, making him two-toned, ha! –>
  • yoga in the park with friends
  • new plants! Including the hibiscus we’re (hopefully) able to keep alive inside
  • many members of my family were able to get their vaccines, including the three in my household!
  • meeting hikers by accident in various parks
  • discovering that one of my hiking friends is the mom of one of Ambrose’s friends
  • a doctor who actually listens to me. Let me repeat that incredible statement: a doctor who actually listens to me!!!
  • a day out to Enchanted Rock with friends
  • a surprise baby shower for a fellow hiker
  • helping Laurence with a cool theatre photography project
  • the cuuuuuutest puppy out on the trails!
  • we had a hummingbird near our back door, likely there for the hibiscus, when I’ve never seen a hummingbird near our house before!

Coming up in April
More medical stuff, Easter, and generally transitioning to summer. April is traditionally a tough time for me, with the increased heat, though the last few years that’s been less so. Fingers crossed this is one of the better years. Also: fingers crossed that everything works out and I can get my household fully vaccinated by the end of the month (no delays!)!

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Wellness Wednesday – 23 Years

Posted on March 31, 2021 by Thistle

Before I start this post, I want to talk a bit about the “new” WordPress. Yesterday, WP converted me over without permission, and I lost the ability to choose the classic editor. I despise the new editor. It’s so buggy. In the few mins I tried to use it, I discovered that it didn’t allow me to see all posts (published or not) on the same page, had random editing pop-up blocks when I tried to type, never paid attention to where I actually put my cursor, took 15 steps to get an image into a post, and randomly “corrected” things my post to the way it thought I wanted it to be. No, no, no. I seriously decided to abandon this blog and move back over to Blogger if there wasn’t a fix that allowed me to revert to classic, which thankfully, fellow blogger Trish was able to find! So if any of y’all are in the same boat – mine converted while I was in the middle of drafting a post – here’s what you need to do. Click on your profile (top right, with your pic), then choose account settings, scroll down to interface, toggle on the advanced dashboard pages, and hit save. This will bring the option to use Classic back on the posts section. I don’t know how long this will last, but the moment WP forces my hand permanently, I’m outta here. I guess it’s a good thing I re-opened Ramblings recently, eh?

Last week, I spent an afternoon hanging out with my friend Stephanie. She made a few statements that caused me to look back on my life and have a bit of an epiphany.

I have been focused on my weight/body in one way or another for the last 23 years.

Pic: 1998, the summer after my freshman year of college. Prior to this, while I had body-image issues and other problems, I’d never actively worked toward weight loss, changing my nutrition, etc. I’d been an athlete for most of my teen years, and yeah, we did a LOT of work on fitness, strength, cross-training, etc. There were weeks when I was exercising 20+ hours. But no where during that time did I pay attention to food (other than omg I’m hungry where do I get my next meal) or weight (other than some vague dissatisfactions with how “fat” I was at under 120 lbs). Shortly after that summer of 1998, when I had my tooth surgery that led to all the health problems, “body” became the primary focus on my brain. Pretty much ever since.

From 1998 to 2009, my body/weight went up and down and up and down in random bursts, or related to pregnancies, and while dealing with a myriad of other illnesses and symptoms that all boiled down to invisible, silent tooth infections. From 2009 to 2013, my body was healthy, I was able to lose all the excess weight, and health/fitness essentially became my second job. After 2013, the focus was no longer on weight loss but weight maintenance, but “body” was still my focus. And from late 2014 to present, I’ve been dealing with weight gain and inability to lose weight no matter what I do, as well as more random symptoms that I’m sure is related to one thing or another wrong in my body that I have yet to find. (Except it’s probably coffee, at least in part.)

(Pic: 1999) It’s not like I haven’t realized that these were the segments of my life prior to this weekend. They’re divided in my head into “the tooth years,” “the healthy years,” and the current “WTF years.” But I never looked at them together, and realized they’ve taken up more than half of my damn life. Perhaps the reason I never put all those years together is that the healthy years in the middle, while still focused first on weight loss and then on maintenance, were ones where my body worked “normally.” So the results were good, and controllable – but the focus was still on the same thing. And I’m soooooo tired of this. I don’t WANT to be hyperfocused on my body.

Not like I can stop, though. My body is in a place of very ill health and discomfort, in addition to preventing me from doing what I want to do. So the cycle continues. I don’t know how to get off this train.

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Celebration of Life

Posted on March 29, 2021 by Thistle

My grandfather passed away overnight. There was no way to say goodbye in person. He didn’t want people to see him that way, but instead wanted us to remember him as he was. Those were his wishes when he was lucid – also that he wanted no funeral or memorial service – and so we respected them as best we could. I wrote him a letter, for my grandma to read to him, but it didn’t get to her in time. She was with him in the hospital when he passed. His children at least got to say goodbye – I’m glad the hospital let the four of them that remain come in for that. The rest of us grieve from afar.

So I will remember him as he was, and celebrate his life that way.

Pics: grandpa holding toddler me; playing his violin (I loved this so much as a kid); being silly pretending to pour a drink on grandma’s head; and at a surprise birthday party at the Frio River

Pics: holding Morrigan when he was a baby; the cousins “scaring” their great grandparents with ghosties; the Jeep that grandpa would drive us around in on the ranch (that’s him standing to the left); my aunt and uncle, grandparents, mom, and stepdad when I came to visit TX when I lived in Boston

Pics: my grandparents celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary in 2018 as well as my grandpa’s 90th birthday; the last three are bonfire nights on NYE of 2018, 2019, and 2020. The 2019 photo – bottom left – was the last time I saw my grandpa in person.

There is a curious thing that has happened to me over the last 14 years. Back in 2007, when my paternal grandpa died, one of the songs they played at his service was “Ships That Don’t Come In” by Joe Diffie. It was a song I loved, and it became inextricably tied to the passage between life and death to me after that. In 2014, my family moved to Boston while my aunt Cheri was dying of colon cancer. She also didn’t want anyone to see her, so it was about 18 months since I’d last seen her before the move. A few weeks after moving to Boston, I was asleep one night and my dream was interrupted by that song, so loudly that it was as if it was external and it woke me up. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my aunt had just passed away. And she had.

With my grandpa’s passing now, I didn’t have that same sort of experience. (Nor did I when several other members of my family passed away between 2007 and now – it was just my aunt Cheri.) But I did have another really odd experience. I put my phone on do-not-disturb last night as I always do. I was woken at 5am by a text, and DND was no longer on my phone. It was my sister letting us all know that he’d passed away between 1-2am. Eventually, I fell back asleep, and when I woke up again, I was numb and just opening apps at random on my phone as my brain tried to sort through the world has it now is, without my grandpa in it. I opened facebook, which loaded a memory at the top per On This Day. I read through the first few words with a sense of surreality: “This death really hits home.” Blinking, feeling half asleep, I continued: “Joe Diffie sang a song…” As it turns out, Joe Diffie passed away this say day a year ago. That, more than anything, feels fitting in a way, and makes everything that much more real and present in a way I really needed.

Rest in peace, Grandpa.

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Sunday Coffee – Toxic Headspace

Posted on March 28, 2021 by Thistle

Ooooooy.

This week hasn’t been good. I mentioned in Friday’s post that my grandfather is in the hospital. I’ve spent an anxious few days waiting for news and trying to distract myself, which means eating too much junk food and watching the trashiest of trashy reality TV (Temptation Island…). I already wasn’t doing great before this, frustrated with my body and dealing with absolutely horrible doctor’s offices this week. Feeling a bit punchy-stabby, tbh. And starting my cycle on top of all that. TMI? Too bad.

Yeah. My headspace is really toxic right now, y’all. And I’m trying to get out of it. I spent Friday afternoon out with Stephanie to talk things out a little, and then I had a nice hike with friends yesterday morning which helped. But it’s just so much right now.

I don’t deal well with grief. I learned years ago that my brain has a really weird coping mechanism when it comes to grief. Essentially, any time I begin to grieve, there’s a voice that turns on in my head telling me that I’m faking it and my emotions are all for show, so I should STFU because I’m not actually sad. This isn’t an uncommon coping mechanism, and I’ve had it for so long that I know that voice isn’t real. But it’s my brain trying to disconnect and dissociate, and the only way I’ve found to counteract it is to find a silly, unimportant thing to grieve about. Like, when my aunt died in 2007, I was reading a series where one of the characters died at the end of the trilogy. I’d had no idea that the moment was coming, and I ended up bawling my eyes out…then rereading the trilogy to spend more time with that character and crying when he died again. I knew I was really crying for my aunt, but it sidestepped the numb surreality that my brain tried to dissociate me into.

But, you know, you can’t really plan that kind of thing. And honestly, this one is a particularly tough situation because 1) my grandpa’s wishes were for no one to see him in this condition, so we’ve been asked not to come say our goodbyes, and 2) he also wants no funeral or memorial service. So that’s it. It’s just…done. And daaaaamn y’all I’m not handling it well.

When I was a teenager, I once wrote that things that stayed in my head just spin around in circles, growing larger and larger, becoming more and more complicated the longer they stayed inside. You know how people say that when you’re in an argument, you should walk away and cool off for a bit so you can discuss rationally? Yeeaaah not so much. If I have to walk away and just think, it’s going to build and build and become so much worse. My brain is a place of amplification. For better or for worse. So sometimes, I just need to get the thoughts out.

I’m in the process of making big changes in my life right now. I’m going through about a million medical procedures, and trying to work full-time on my health. (I’ve even reopened an old blog from 2012 to discuss this on a more regular basis, because I don’t want this blog to be ALL about health, fitness, or weight.) I’ve made some career-related decisions and had some ah-ha moments with all that. My family world has been f–king rocked and I’m swearing at the pandemic that had me erring on the side of caution for all this time, which now means that I’ll never see my grandpa again. And that’s all just this week. It’s so much. Too much. I feel like I’m spinning. I could really use some time off from my head right now.

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Quarantine Diaries – Week 54

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Thistle

So. It’s Week 54, and there’s SO MUCH information this week that it needs its own weekly post. So here we go: Week 54, March 19 to 25.

This week, we’ve arrived at 203,191 cases, 3,076 deaths, a 179 seven-day rolling average, and a 2.3% positivity rate (down 3.3% to lowest rate ever!). The hospitals got down to 182 cases earlier this week, which is lower than we’ve seen since the beginning of our summer surge last year. Our school reported 1 staff member positive for covid this week, first report for our specific school in several weeks (fingers crossed it doesn’t start going up!).

We’re now two weeks out from the mask mandate and occupancy limits going away, and from when the majority of schools around here had spring break. Starting in a week or so, we’re going to see how the numbers play out. Already, we’ve seen a steadying, bottoming out, and slight increase of our daily rolling average and hospital level, and I hope that’s not an early sign of reversal!! The rest of the vaccine doses can’t come quick enough!

Speaking of vaccines, there’s big news on that this week. Jason had his second volunteer shift yesterday, and they’re supposed to schedule him for a vaccine now. Fingers crossed! Unfortunately, the city is now having trouble getting volunteers to come in for their shifts after an announcement this week: The state of TX said that starting Monday, all adults will be eligible for the vaccine. Really, it makes no sense that they’re going this fast – they literally opened up the 50+ category last week – but I guess it’s just going to be a free-for-all now. And you know what? I don’t care. It means that I can sign Ambrose up for a dose, and Laurence, too, because by “adults” they are including the 16-17 age group that can get the Pfizer shot. I mean, why not, right? The sooner I get my family sorted and vaccinated, the better!

Unfortunately, it’s not just first-dose appointments that seem to be a free-for-all. I have one sister who, as an educator, got her first dose ages ago, and whose second dose was canceled due to the ice storm. She’s been unable to get a second-slot appointment in the month since then. Then my other sister and her husband, who got their first shots because the pharmacy had extra doses thawed at the end of the day, have been unable to get their second shots because the pharmacy literally hasn’t received another shipment of Moderna since then. What a mess! Too many people, too few vaccines, and the city here says that incredibly, their no-show rate has quadrupled, with a full 20% of people missing their vaccine appointments last week! WTF?? I don’t know if those people found a way to get their shots elsewhere or what, but that’s crazy. It’s a mad scramble and frankly, whoever is the best at technology and has the most time to go trolling for appointments are the people who are going to get in first, not the people who need it the most. Though the state did make one good ruling with this “everyone qualifies” free-for-all: Anyone aged 80+ can go to any site and go immediately to the front of the line without an appointment, and must be prioritized over everyone else. So that’s something.

I was looking over the city’s data a few nights ago, and checked on a few things that I stopped looking at awhile back. I noticed, for instance, that our pediatric rate is up to over 18% of all total cases – the highest rate of any age group except those in their 20s. It’s really too bad we don’t have any vaccines approved for people under 16 yet, because it seems like kids are spreading the disease like wildfire if you go by the numbers. Yeah, their rate of death is a lot lower, but 1) longterm effects and 2) you can’t really get a herd immunity when 20% of the population can’t be immunized, even if you could get all the rest of them to accept the vaccine (not happening in the US). Of course, if they did have a vaccine for the under-16s, we’d be in an even madder scramble right now…

Other news for the week:

  • Krispy Kreme is giving out one free donut per day to anyone who is vaccinated. This of course has become a fat-phobic joke around the internet, but f*ck the fat-phobic a$$holes!! I do wish it was Dunkin, though, because I’m not a fan of Krispy Kreme at all, heh.
  • A reporter asked how many cases of the UK variant we’ve had here, and we were told that they know of only 6 cases, all mild cases that didn’t require hospitalization and all recovered from now.
  • We had a few anniversaries this week, including the anniversary of our first (and only) shelter-at-home order on 3/23 (which had to be lifted by June due to state orders), and the anniversary of our first covid-death in Bexar County (3/22). With the ~3100 people who have died of covid over the last year in SA, covid has tied the two top causes of death we normally see, heart disease and cancer, which each take about 3000 people annually. Remember all that talk about how this was less deadly than the flu and so we’re overreacting? *eye roll*
  • The CEO of Texas Roadhouse killed himself this week because he could no longer stand the longterm complications of covid. Apparently it caused him severe tinnitus. I know nothing about the guy personally, but this is sad, disheartening, and just horrible.

There’s also been quite a bit of home news this week. Laurence went to the high school for the first time since before spring break last year. He had to go in to take his SAT, and the experience was a bit surreal for all of us after a year of him being home. My stepmom, Lauren, had her first covid shot, on the same day that my dad got his second. Their daughter, my half-sister who is 17, was able to get an end-of-the-day shot at the same time, with an appointment for her second in April. Woohoo! In less happy news, I had my first experience with a doctor’s office not taking covid seriously. I mean, it was an office in a hospital and it said masks required, but half the folks in the lobby (and a few employees!) were either not wearing masks or not wearing them properly. I was stuck in the office for frickin 2.5 hours after my appointment time, and so angry the whole time. I definitely don’t want to go back to that doctor again!

Lastly, I got a call from my sister on Wednesday evening to tell me that my grandfather was being rushed to the hospital for the third time since this weekend. He’s in horrible condition and deteriorating. I mean, he’s been in horrible condition for the last few years, and everyone is surprised just how long he’s made it, but it just keeps getting worse, and now it looks like he might be transferred to hospice today. I haven’t been able to visit him since New Years Eve 2019, and we aren’t allowed to go into the hospital, and I have no idea if there’s going to be any way to say goodbye. I hate this so much.

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