May is a very tough month for me. It didn’t used to be, but since 2014, this month has become one filled with triggers and body blows. Psychological trauma, when compounded day after day after day, gets stored in your subconscious. It can come out again on anniversaries even when you’re unaware consciously that the anniversary has come around again. That can be a real problem when over a third of the days in a month have painful triggers attached.
I knew this month would be hard. I tried to prepare myself for it. My preparations generally failed. I ate too much. I drank too much. I had several breakdowns. I became agoraphobic and rarely left the house. My attempts to focus – even on little projects like typing a blog post – became big productions of strength and will to manage. It. Sucked.
Mid-month, I decided to make a few changes. I began my happy-picture project. At the same time, I decided to track my food no matter what for those 100 days, even if I binged. I decided to cut out all alcohol for those days, too, hoping that would kick-start my metabolism into actually losing weight. These last few weeks haven’t been easy, but things have improved health-wise. I’ve kept to my plans and have been rewarded with a slow downward trend on my scale. Additionally, my foot is finally mostly healed (yay!) so I’m slowly building up to more intense exercise again. For the first time since that sprain/break nearly two years ago, I’m really excited about weight loss, fitness, and my physical health.
June 1st is a time of renewal for me. Eighteen years ago, I had a waking up moment on this day, and every year, it feels like a new start similar to January 1st. This year, the feeling is stronger due to some recent personal circumstances that I’m afraid I can’t yet discuss on the blog. Point is, tomorrow feels like a real new beginning. I have real optimism for what this new year will bring for me, and I look forward to greeting that special day tomorrow.