Sunday Coffee – To Post or Not to Post

A bit over a week ago, I drafted a post. It was complete misery. When it came time to post, I deleted it instead. I’ve done this a bunch of times over the last three years. It comes down to an internal debate: to post or not to post. Where do you draw the line between honesty and privacy, between putting yourself out there and holding yourself back?

I haven’t hidden the fact that I’m extremely depressed and homesick. What I haven’t done – what I’ve managed to keep from doing so far – is spill the depths to which this depression and homesickness have gone. Because guys? I’m really, really bad off. And unfortunately, this is not something that can be fixed with a pill or even with talk therapy.

About a month ago, I talked about those subconscious ties to home. That was the opening to a bigger conversation, one that I keep deleting. Anything I put here is public. It’s not that there’s anything inherently negative or wrong about homesickness or the ways we deal with depression. I’m not afraid or embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. It’s just that…well, that’s all there is right now, and I doubt that’s going to change any time soon. I don’t want my blog to be nothing but misery misery misery. How long can a person go that direction before they no longer want to post at all (or, from a reader’s standpoint, before they want to stop reading)?

I used to have a private facebook group that helped me to get through the worst of my situation back in 2014/2015. They kept me going through the next year, too, until I had to delete the group (for reasons I can’t discuss publicly) soon after we moved to Wisconsin. That group was a refuge, and those people pretty much saved my life…and at the same time, I began to feel like every time I posted, I became a burden to all of them. This is probably not how they felt of course, just how I felt. And it feels similar on this blog. I’ve literally been in my own personal hell for three years now, and it’s a hell that shows no signs of abating for years more. So what do I do? Post about all the worst parts of depression until everyone gets tired of me? Post only when I feel okay, or only book reviews and such? Stop posting altogether? Try to ride some line between a positive hopeful outlook and the truth of the much greater misery? I don’t know.

Maybe some of my fellow blogger friends will have some suggestions? I know some of you have had similar situations…

PS – Happy Easter to those out there who celebrate!

Advertisements

About Amanda

Writing. Family. Books. Crochet. Fitness. Fashion. Fun. Not necessarily in that order. Note: agender (she/her).
This entry was posted in Personal and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Sunday Coffee – To Post or Not to Post

  1. Michelle says:

    I have no answers for you. I know for myself, I tend to be more open and honest on Twitter than on my own blog. It helps that I can talk to my friends in real time rather than wait for them to read a post and possibly comment on it. However, I will say that if writing out your feelings and troubles on the blog helps you, then by all means do that. It does not matter whether people read it or not. In fact, their opinions do not matter one iota. If it helps you find some semblance of peace, then you need to do it. Readers don’t matter. Comments don’t matter. You do what you need to do, and that is all that does matter.

    Like

  2. I’m so sorry to hear how much you’re struggling. I feel that you should write whatever you want and whatever you’re comfortable with. I will never judge you and will do my best to support you! If writing helps (and it does for me), then by all means… do it! Hugs.

    Like

  3. Amanda says:

    Thanks for the input ladies! I’m not sure if writing it all out is helpful to me. I mean, I write it out, and then I’m okay to delete, if that makes sense. At the same time, there’s wanting a connection, wanting to reach out and have others to hold me while I’m falling. The blog has always been about connections and friendships for me. I have a private blog where I can keep personal thoughts, and that one doesn’t matter so much. I don’t struggle with it. This one, I struggle. It’s a fine line.

    Like

  4. Ceri says:

    Amanda, my love, it’s been so long since I caught up with you and, honestly, I know exactly how you feel. I always felt like my depression and homesickness was creeping into all my blog posts way too much and changing the overall tone of my blog so I tried to hide it and shut it out and focus on writing more subjectively about things and culture and anything that wasn’t me. But, for me, hiding what was happening and how I felt just made it that much worse. I was always worried that people wouldn’t understand but then I realised that the internet’s a huge place and, more often than not, people will be able to relate to what you’re going through and that’s when they show how truly amazing and supportive they can be.

    I don’t know if any of this is making sense. Anyway, yeah, I’m starting to get those homesick feels again after a year of being okay. I can’t believe I didn’t know you moved again . I guess that’s what happens when I take a year off blogging and don’t use FB much anymore. 😛

    Like

    • Amanda says:

      Well it was pretty sudden. We were considering a move but not so quickly, and then there were a few family emergencies (like Jason’s sister being diagnosed with adrenal cancer) that caused us to move more quickly than I’d have preferred, and I’m suffering a lot from the quick move, the inability to find a therapist in this rural area, etc. We’ll see what the future brings. Personally, I’m looking forward to going back home and finding a permanent place again.

      Like

  5. Kristen M. says:

    I tend to avoid personal posting on my blog because I worry that it would just always be negative. But then, am I giving people a false view of my life? There’s nothing wrong with being honest, whatever that means at the time. And, if you just need a bit of positive feedback, a connection with other humans on a rough day, a blog post can be a good way to get that. Sending so many hugs your way, Manda darling.

    Like

    • Amanda says:

      I’ve been thinking I might need to re-form a new private FB group just to chat with people but haven’t yet made that decision. It would be nice to get feedback, but I don’t want to burden people either.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s