A bit over a week ago, I drafted a post. It was complete misery. When it came time to post, I deleted it instead. I’ve done this a bunch of times over the last three years. It comes down to an internal debate: to post or not to post. Where do you draw the line between honesty and privacy, between putting yourself out there and holding yourself back?
I haven’t hidden the fact that I’m extremely depressed and homesick. What I haven’t done – what I’ve managed to keep from doing so far – is spill the depths to which this depression and homesickness have gone. Because guys? I’m really, really bad off. And unfortunately, this is not something that can be fixed with a pill or even with talk therapy.
About a month ago, I talked about those subconscious ties to home. That was the opening to a bigger conversation, one that I keep deleting. Anything I put here is public. It’s not that there’s anything inherently negative or wrong about homesickness or the ways we deal with depression. I’m not afraid or embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. It’s just that…well, that’s all there is right now, and I doubt that’s going to change any time soon. I don’t want my blog to be nothing but misery misery misery. How long can a person go that direction before they no longer want to post at all (or, from a reader’s standpoint, before they want to stop reading)?
I used to have a private facebook group that helped me to get through the worst of my situation back in 2014/2015. They kept me going through the next year, too, until I had to delete the group (for reasons I can’t discuss publicly) soon after we moved to Wisconsin. That group was a refuge, and those people pretty much saved my life…and at the same time, I began to feel like every time I posted, I became a burden to all of them. This is probably not how they felt of course, just how I felt. And it feels similar on this blog. I’ve literally been in my own personal hell for three years now, and it’s a hell that shows no signs of abating for years more. So what do I do? Post about all the worst parts of depression until everyone gets tired of me? Post only when I feel okay, or only book reviews and such? Stop posting altogether? Try to ride some line between a positive hopeful outlook and the truth of the much greater misery? I don’t know.
Maybe some of my fellow blogger friends will have some suggestions? I know some of you have had similar situations…
PS – Happy Easter to those out there who celebrate!