Honestly, I can’t tell these days what I’m portraying of myself online. There is so much in my world that is terrible/stressful/painful right now. Most of it involves other people, though, so not things for me to discuss here. I’m trying to stay positive, and it isn’t working so well. Maybe I seem okay online? I’ve had some people say I sound positive. But maybe I look the truth, too: erratic, scattered, falling apart.
I won’t – can’t – go into detail. The evasive, short version is this: We moved northward this summer for two sets of reasons. The first had to do with family needs (though admittedly, I didn’t want to rush, but wanted to wait until next summer). I see that as our positive reason for moving. The negative reason was the second, and had to do with the situation we were in (and the need to escape it). The house we bought in 2015 caused severe illness (mental and physical) as well as financial ruin. I don’t know if I would have sprung for Reason #1 if Reason #2 hadn’t been propelling me away from my then-current situation. In any case, Reason #1 drove me to embrace a move that truthfully isn’t sustainable for me in the long run. We won’t be moving back any time soon, but there is a big part of me that is already counting down the 5.5 years until the boys are in college and I can go back home. If it weren’t for my kids and the money and the reasons we chose to move in the first place, I’d’ve already abandoned this place and gone home.
Obviously, that’s not a good way to begin a new life, with a new house in a new part of the world. Going home right now is not an option for some time, and so my focus is now on planning and strategizing and working to be in the best place (health-wise, financially, etc) to return in 2222. For the first time in several years, I have an actual longterm plan to work toward. That’s good? I guess? Shrug. Maybe things will change. Maybe I’ll get to love my new house and meet new friends. Maybe I’ll stop being scared to drive in the snow/ice and I’ll acclimatize to six months of winter (boo! I want four seasons!). Or maybe I’ll just continue to be a hermit for the next few years, while I fight my way through this stage of my life and into the next. I don’t know. Like I said above: erratic, scattered, falling apart.
I will say that despite all this internal turmoil and debate, I don’t regret our decision to move, though I do regret the haste with which we moved. The place we were in was untenable for reasons I can’t fully explain – not without writing a novel about it, at least, and this post is already too long and maudlin.
The last few months have been extremely tough. I tried so very hard to be okay and happy, but eventually I had to just admit to myself that I’m sad, scared, lonely, and very far away from home. Hopefully by admitting it and getting it all off my chest, I can let it go and work my way forward again.