Wellness Wednesday #22: Letting Go

buttonIn mid-2008, I spent an extended weekend at my in-laws’ house. I weighed myself the day I left, and the morning after I returned. In four days, I gained 20 lbs, for no reason whatsoever. This was back when I was extremely ill, and bizarre jumps up or down like this happened at alarming frequencies. This jump came a decade after the start of my illness, and honestly? I gave up. Succumbed to depression and bad habits. Two more jumps followed over the next year, landing me at my highest weight.

That illness is long since gone, so why bring it up? Because rapid weight gain – like rapid weight loss – plays tricks on your mind. It’s difficult to wrap your head around it, and you struggle to see yourself accurately. Unfortunately, 2015 was another depressed, resigned, giving-up kind of year, accompanied by another mass of rapid weight gain. Beyond those accompanying mind games, my brain issues have been compounded by the surreal nightmare I’ve lived in for the last two years. Everything has changed so much, and I find myself staring at myself, my body, my family, my life, without recognizing any of it.

5 wks stripesTwo years ago, I was 60 lbs lighter and feeling good about myself for the first time in years. My children were nine, eleven, and thirteen, in elementary and middle school. We’d lived in our then-house for eight years, and I had a whole network of people around me that I loved. I was healthy, happy, strong, secure, and confident. I had plans to start school the next fall and finally work toward finishing my bachelor’s degree.

I’m having a hard time letting it all go. The good and the bad. My reflection surprises me. I have to consciously remind myself to drive to my new house instead of the old. My  body can’t do any of the things it used to. My family has fractured chaotically with so many rapid changes. My oldest son has grown into a volatile high schooler with both legal and mental health troubles. I’m personally not stable enough to hold down a job, much less go back to school…hell, I can’t even write, and that’s my forever-passion!

books and catsThe reminders are constant – I can’t do what I used to, I’m not who I used to be, life is wholly changed – and still I expect to be able to run, to lift weights, to fit into certain clothes, to write, to finish to-do lists, to feel secure about the future. But I can’t. Everything is working against me. Injury. PTSD. PCOS. An extra 60 lbs of weight. Medicinal interference. Time constraints (so many doctor visits!!). Emotional baggage. Family baggage. And so on.

I want to let go. I want to forget the nightmares of the last two years, but when I start to, even my reflection reminds me. Then when I think of what I once was, once had, I remember what I’ve lost, and I cling to it as well. I don’t know who I am or how to be anymore. Letting go means losing all those things, good and bad, that make up the whole that is Manda. But holding on just makes me unable to grow into a new self. I’m tired of the catch-22.

The time to choose is getting close. I can feel it.

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About Amanda

Writing. Family. Books. Crochet. Fitness. Fashion. Fun. Not necessarily in that order. Note: agender (she/her).
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14 Responses to Wellness Wednesday #22: Letting Go

  1. I think caution and intention is a wise way of going about this. No need to be rash or to cling to the first decision/process that springs to mind (Even if it’s something that worked before).

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    • Amanda says:

      Agreed. I do think it would be difficult to do anything rash, given all the things I’m REQUIRED to juggle, but I do have a tendency to be rash, so anything’s possible. 😀 I’ll try not to be, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Just want you to know I’m thinking about you. ❤

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  3. Trixie says:

    Peace and blessings to you.

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  4. Trish says:

    It’s so incredibly difficult to be feeling like this and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have some awareness, though, and that’s always a good start–even if you don’t really know where to go from here. Hugs to you–I hope you’re able to find peace somewhere. xo

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  5. Kristen M. says:

    I’m late to comment but I just wanted to add my support here! You are going through so much right now that I’m amazed you’re still functioning at all. Have you found somewhere to do yoga recently? I think the mindfulness that happens through slow movement and meditation is akin to the way you seem to process ideas through tarot. Maybe you need this more frequently? I know I do and need to get back to going regularly! Hugs!

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    • Amanda says:

      I’ve been following a yoga series online when I can. I really love it and the instructor. I think it’s interesting that you connected the yoga and tarot – I’m going to have to think on that a bit more. But yes, the mindfulness of the yoga really helps me in general. I think if I can do that more often, and keep walking regularly, it really will help me to feel better. Some days, I don’t feel like I’m still functioning!!

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      • Trixie says:

        I have recently found a lot of relief from my symptoms from doing yoga at home, more than I do from doing a yoga class because they don’t allow you to follow your own pace. I’ve also found a couple nice meditation apps – my favorite is a yoga nidra app which is just a deep relaxation practice in shavasana. The other is called meditation oasis and that one allows you to choose your intention and goal for meditation. They’re really good too but sometimes lately cause me to think too much or else fall asleep, neither of which is the point. Hope that helps!

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      • Amanda says:

        I’ve been looking into different meditation apps but have yet to find one that I like. I’ll keep those in mind. I haven’t heard of them before, so thank you!

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  6. Michelle says:

    {{HUGS}} because I think you need as many as you can possibly get.

    Your comment about your oldest son struck me particularly hard. Without knowing your full situation, I wonder if he would have had problems no matter what happened. I say this because my brilliant and gentle son had four of the roughest years of his life starting in about seventh grade. He started failing classes, getting into trouble at school. At home, he was causing just as many problems. While he never crossed the line into legal troubles (he did that when he was in first and second grade), Jim and I knew that he wasn’t himself. He is better now; entering his junior year made him sit up and take notice that he was ruining his life. To this day, we don’t know what caused his descent or why. Some of our friends have told us that it is quite common with teenage boys. If it is, then maybe some of your son’s issues have nothing to do with the moves and what occurred in the last two years. Then again, I know I don’t have the full details. I’m just trying to provide you some level of comfort.

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    • Amanda says:

      I hope one day he has that wake up call, and that his therapist and medication can help, and we can keep him safe in the meantime. I know some of his issues are definitely because of things at home (the moving, and some other things) as well as issues that stem from when he was a baby, and it’s hard to not know how to do more for him. And to think, we have another boy in eighth and another in sixth right now…

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