Back in June 2012, I was near the end of my weight loss journey, but stalled due to a stress fracture in my leg. For twelve weeks, I wasn’t allowed to exercise, and I basically maintained a steady weight in that time. I still had another 20 lbs to go, and was so frustrated with the stall. But I was also at a really good size for my body, and I lot of my online support group was telling me that I should be satisfied with where I was at instead of wishing I could just get on with things. I can see their point, but at the same time, I was not where I wanted to be. So at the time, both to remind myself and as a rebuttal, I wrote the following “I’ll know I’m done…” list. Looking back on it now cracks me up. The following is that list, with my commentary six years later.
I’ll know I’m done…
…when I no longer feel the compulsion to step on the scale daily and see the numbers decrease.
***I doubt this will ever go away no matter what. (The stepping on the scale bit anyway.)
…when I can see my collarbones completely and distinctly.
***This would be awesome again. I did get there before.
…when I regain my normal body shape, somewhere between hourglass and upper triangle.
***This never would’ve happened without abdominal surgery, and even after regaining post-surgery, my body shape has stayed true to me.
…when I shop for clothes I love and that fit my style, rather than for clothes that make me look thinner or fit a certain number.
***Lularoe has made this happen for me regardless of my size – this can no longer be a “final” goal, ha!
…when I feel attractive or sexy again, and don’t mind dressing up.
***Ditto the last entry.
…when I stop measuring my food.
***Turns out that I go on and off measuring my food regardless of size.
…when I look thin (ie “normal”) in pictures even in funny positions/angles or in awkward-fitting clothes.
***Again, this was more about surgery than size, but it would be nice to be there again. It just won’t be as difficult this time.
…when I look in the mirror and feel satisfied with what I see.
***Ironically, this is 75% of the time now despite regain. All down to surgery.
…when I can go to the doctor without worrying about stepping on their scale.
***I can do this now, but it has more to do with finding a decent doctor who isn’t going to berate me about my size.
…when I fit into my wedding dress again.
***Ditto surgery. Turns out it was all just that extra skin on my belly.
…when I look at pictures of me next to people of all sizes, big or small, and feel okay with my size in relation to them.
***I miss this one. I did get there at one point though.
…when I no longer think about food constantly – planning out meals, ideas, snacks, and times, etc.
***Again, I don’t think this will ever go away.
…when I feel confident in public without constantly verifying the lay of my clothes, my posture, etc.
***I’m already confident and never worry about my clothes anymore. Ditto surgery and Lularoe.
…when I’m comfortable taking a single picture, rather than multiple shots, and don’t worry how it’ll turn out.
***Broken record time: surgery. It’s not as good as it once was, but I’m pretty happy with (most) photos these days.
…when I look at those pictures afterwards and am satisfied (not asking to be happy constantly, just satisfied).
…when I stop comparing my current self with old pictures.
***Ha! Now I compare myself to a different set of old pictures.
…when I can honestly say I’m a success story.
***I’d like to get there one day.
…when I feel and look fit and healthy, rather than super-thin.
***This photo from 2014 embodies this 100%. I do want to get back there.
…when I no longer care if I lose another pound, because I’m happy just the way I am.
***I do hope that I’ll get there one day.
So as it turns out, most of what I had to do to feel like all the things on this list was undergo abdominal surgery and then find a clothing brand that I love. Heh. I’m so far from goal now that I couldn’t even begin to think of a replacement list. Perhaps one day.