My brain is obviously not working too well these days. I’ve had a lot of biochemical changes over the last three years. I went from a place of a healthy weight and great blood stats, to suddenly rising insulin and brain chemistry that went completely crazy. Some if it was situational, of course, but the situational stuff fundamentally changed the way my body and brain worked. Other physical things also affected my body: several surgeries, changes in dietary habits (like starting to drink coffee). I’m sure the moving has also affected me, given the extreme changes like weather, pollens I’m exposed to, etc.
My body and brain need a major reset. They were both failing. By the end of November, I was hardly functioning. When my brain is so foggy that I can’t even focus on TV, something is wrong! When my anxiety is so bad that I can’t even walk out my front door, something has to change.
All I could think was home home home home. I stared at pictures of my old house, the one we sold in 2014 before moving to Boston. I cried when I discovered that the house next door was currently up for sale, and fervently wished I could buy it. I had dreams that I sold enough of my books to offer excellent money to the current owners so I could get my old house back. The longing was irrational – not just desiring my old house, but tied in with my life before we sold that house – and I knew that. Knowing logically doesn’t change emotions, though, and I could not move my brain to a safer, better place.
So after my therapist appointment was canceled again (for the fourth time), I gave up on that side of things and went to a physician. I flat-out didn’t have time to wait until I could get a regular therapist (February at the very earliest). On December 1st, I walked out of the clinic with a prescription for Zoloft, and within a week, I started to feel about a thousand times better. Not perfect, but much, much better.
Zoloft worries me. The last time I was on Zoloft (most of 2015), it did a great job with my depression and anxiety, but it also caused extreme weight gain. My doctor and I discussed this at length, because I have a history of reacting badly to anti-depressants, and I really can’t afford to gain more weight right now. Things are different now, though. I’m on a medication that’s supposed to help control my insulin, and I rarely binge-eat or binge-drink these days. We decided to give it a try, since it was so effective on my mental health, and go a different route if I started gaining.
So far, things have been fine for my weight (whew!) at a very low dose, and I’ll see my doctor again at the end of the month to check where to go from here. Mostly likely the dose will increase, given that I can feel the effectiveness of the super low dose waning now, and I suppose we’ll see what happens with my weight and such after that. I hope it continues to work out, though, because I really have felt much better than before. I can drive again, and leave the house, and focus. I’m not obsessed with home any longer, and have more positive thoughts about the future. It’s really crazy how much the right medication can help.