Strawberry Fields

Posted on February 27, 2023 by Thistle

This weekend, my photo circle had a belated Galentine’s shoot scheduled at a local café and bakery. I did all the legwork to prepare for the shoot – going to the business to check out the different seating and light situations, talking to them about what we could/couldn’t do for a shoot, buying cute Galentine’s props, etc. There were originally four scheduled to come in addition to me, but as the day approached, all but one of those folks had to drop last minute for various life reasons. None of them were to blame, life happens, but the sudden collapse of everything I’d planned and done hit me harder than I like to admit. My emotions went into a tailspin, and my brain was scrambling to come up with alternatives. Can’t really do a Galentine’s shoot with one person, and even if I managed to find a second, the cozy café setting would make it look like a couple’s shoot.

I ended up chatting with the last person remaining, and another who really wanted to be there but was at the whims of the virus that had felled her family. We ended up re-planning for a different shoot at the end of the week, and I felt better. Then the next morning, another friend who didn’t originally think she could come to the Galentine’s shoot spoke up, and apparently was planning to be there after all. Furthermore, the friend whose family was sick discovered she was going to be free that day after all. If we hadn’t already rescheduled, the whole shoot would’ve worked out like we originally planned. Heh.

Conversation went into this tailspin of what-should-we-do-and-when, since now there were plans canceled and plans planned. Everything was in a bit of a chaotic flux, and I am absolutely terrible in the face of chaos and change!! Last second changes fluster me, and to top it all off, this started to happen while Jason and I were en route to check out the local bookstore where I’d planned the different shoot for later in the week. So as everyone chatted, Jason was typing out the stuff I dictated to him (I was driving). Long story short, after many sudden changes and new news, three of us decided to carpool northward to a strawberry farm for berry-picking and photos, while a different three of us would also plan for the new shoot later in the week.

It was not where I saw my weekend going, a sudden daycation up to a strawberry farm, but I was very happy to participate! Everything was so last minute that I even grabbed the wrong lens for my camera, ha! I’d been planning to use my Lensbaby Velvet because it’s a better portrait lens with a better handle on midday light (which can be very harsh), and it gives this very dreamy background bokeh that I thought would work well. Instead, I grabbed my 35mm wide angle lens that was certainly good for long background shots (like all the rows of strawberry plants, and the hills in the distance), but less good for any kind of close-up portraits. (Yes, I could have taken more than one, but I was also picking berries, and didn’t want to carry extra bags/cases along with everything else! Not to mention it was very last minute plan changes and you remember how I said those fluster me?) But it is what it is, so we worked with it.

For it being less than ideal conditions – wrong lens, harsh light, completely different setting – this ended up a very fun and cute gal-pal photoshoot. Beyond the shoot, it was just a total blast of a day. The farm (Sweet Berry Farm) was fabulous, the strawberries were perfect for picking, there were some really cute background settings, and the three of us got to spend the entire afternoon and evening together as we carpooled up and back, stopping for early dinner at Bluebonnet Cafe, too, mmmm. Jason and I have since frozen my picked strawberries in small batches and made some strawberry ice cream (mmmmm) with the first batch. Delicious!

I am not good at chaos or last minute changes in plans. My emotions kinda go haywire when things fall apart, especially things I’ve worked hard at and looked forward to. The things I’m getting better at are 1) acknowledging when my heart and headspace aren’t functioning properly, 2) communicating that information to my friends, and 3) embracing new plans rather than backing away from the discomfort of whimsy. I’m also very grateful for the folks I have around me, who help me to stabilize when my emotions are so out of proportion, who include me in fun outings, and who have helped me practice portrait photography and encouraged me so much over this new adventure. I wouldn’t trade these friendships for anything!

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Sunday Coffee – Collaboration

Posted on February 26, 2023 by Thistle

I’ve had so much trouble coming up with a name idea for my photography business. No one can pronounce my last name, so that won’t work. My first name is so very common, and my initial spell AG so that’s also out, ha! I’ve played around with different things but have had no ah-ha moments with satisfactory results.

Except one.

Recently I had a dream that another photographer and I decided to partner together. Their name starts with a Z, so my dream-brain was so excited about the name A to Z Photography. Ha! In reality, I know nothing about this other photographer’s skill or experience level, nor what kind of photography they specialize (or want to specialize) in. We barely know each other, definitely not well enough for a collaboration. Not to mention the name “A to Z Photography” is FAR less mind-blowing once awake. That’s a business name that exists many times over.

Waking up from this dream made me realize something important, however: I am far more excited about the idea of partnering with someone, being on a team, than going at this alone. Just like when I was writing, I’m not very good at self-promotion. I could tell anyone and everyone about my books, but the second I was trying to tell an agent about it – the second my enthusiasm could potentially profit me – it suddenly felt disingenuous. The whole thing was ridiculous. Agents want to find the right author. They profit too! But there is something about promoting myself that feels fundamentally wrong, likely to do with my upbringing. I’ve tried to change that in adulthood, but can’t seem to budge it, it’s so deeply engrained.

In any case, advocating for my team does not feel disingenuous. Even though I’ll profit just the same. Advocating for a team means that I’m advocating for another person in addition to myself, and that feels good. Not just okay, but good. The logic isn’t there. I know. Something about a partnership circumvents my hardwired self-deprecating brake system.

It’s not just about the sales/promotion bit, though. I like teams. I like people. Working together with someone – the right someone – feels better than working alone. Unfortunately, I don’t know who that someone is. I know very few photographers in person, and most of them specialize in event photography or photojournalism. The only photographers I generally see working in teams are event photographers (like for weddings or sports). So yeah, I know, this might be an unrealistic dream of mine. But I can hope, while I’m still trying to figure out what to call this business so I can make a website and all that businessy stuff…

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Pixie Picturesque

Posted on February 24, 2023 by Thistle

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of working with an aspiring model in a collaboration photoshoot. Reneé (they/them) and I met in January at a local coffee shop, Mildfire, where they work. We have since gotten together to talk about collaborating on projects, and this was our first. It was going to be a kind of experiment, to see if we worked well together, and to get a general feel for their style/energy and my photographic and editing style.

And I have to say, for having only a vague idea of tone (elvish and/or witchy), an outfit, and a few props, these photos came out incredible! Reneé is a natural model. They brought a lot of fun, lighthearted, enthusiastic energy to the shoot. They were also really great at following direction when I had to adjust little things, like the tilt of their head or where to put their hands. (Though honestly, for the most part they had a natural instinct about posing!) We worked together pretty seamlessly, and got along really well, too. You know how sometimes you get together with someone and you run into painfully awkward lulls in conversation? There was none of that here. Reneé is the same age as my kids, plus this was only our third time meeting up, so it could have been awkward for many reasons, and it wasn’t at all. We both ended the shoot excited to do more work together in the future.

On another note, every time I do this, I learn so much more about doing this. Probably this is just because I’m still in those early stages, but it’s been fun to see how I’m growing. I’m getting better at giving direction, and at knowing what direction to give. I’m more aware of potential future editing problems by way of stray branches or background litter or weird patches of light/shadow. I’m less self-conscious than I used to be, taking time to properly set up the photos rather than shooting as quickly as possible so the subjects don’t get annoyed. (This was one great thing about working with Reneé: both their mother and their boss are photographers, so they’ve had a lot of experience with real cameras and not the quick point-and-shoot people are used to with phone cameras!)

Overall, this was a wonderful experience. The photos included here are some of my favorites from the finished shots. Reneé and I have quite a number of future projects thought out to add to both of our portfolios. I’m also excited to say that with these photos, I’m going to officially start taking on clients. I still don’t have a name for my business – more on that in my upcoming Sunday post – but I finally feel prepared to say yes, I’m good at this, let’s do this!

Find Reneé on Instagram!

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City of Nightmares, by Rebecca Schaeffer

Posted on February 21, 2023 by Thistle

From Goodreads, because this is hands down one of the most intriguing descriptions for a book that I’ve ever laid eyes on: Ever since her sister became a man-eating spider and slaughtered her way through town, nineteen-year-old Ness has been terrified—terrified of some other Nightmare murdering her, and terrified of ending up like her sister. Because in Newham, the city that never sleeps, dreaming means waking up as your worst fear.

Whether that means becoming a Nightmare that’s monstrous only in appearance, to transforming into a twisted, unrecognizable creature that terrorizes the city, no one is safe. Ness will do anything to avoid becoming another victim, even if that means lying low among the Friends of the Restful Soul, a questionable organization that may or may not be a cult.

But being a member of maybe-cult has a price. In order to prove herself, Ness cons her way into what’s supposed to be a simple job for the organization—only for it to blow up in her face. Literally. Tangled up in the aftermath of an explosive assassination, now Ness and the only other survivor—a Nightmare boy who Ness suspects is planning to eat her—must find their way back to Newham and uncover the sinister truth behind the attack, even as the horrors of her past loom ominously near.

Normally, I wouldn’t include a book description that’s that long, but this is worth it. And it does a really good job of showing the kind of writing in City of Nightmares. I added this book to my list after reading just the first half of the first sentence, and I wasn’t disappointed. Sure, the first 50 pages or so were a little slow as the world and characters got built and backstoried. Though honestly, I was reading those first 50 pages in snatches between doctor’s appointments and such, so the “slowness” might have been entirely coincidental/mindset. I kept pushing through because I expected it would be worth it, and once I had time to really sit and read, I finished the book in under two days.

There are two things I want to say about this book. The first is that I’m incredibly happy that such a book exists. Some years ago, I had an idea for a novel about a society where people are given medication to cause them not to dream, because somehow (I hadn’t figured out how) a hole had opened up between the dream world and ours, and dreams started coming through to our world in all their various forms. There was more to it that I had planned out, but 1) this was past when I’d given up fiction-writing, so I never did much with it, and 2) I realized quickly that this wasn’t the kind of book that I’d write well. So it was an idea that went to the wayside, an idea I loved and wished to exist in the real world. Now it does, and Schaeffer created it in so much gloried detail that it’s everything I could have wanted and more!!

The second thing is that this book is more than just its plot. Yeah, the plot is incredible. It keeps you on your toes, and there are moments less than 50 pages from the end that had me saying “Oh fuck” aloud. However, this is the best kind of book, where the thematic elements are just as important as the story. This is a book about fear, empowerment, agency, and choice. It’s about friendship and non-romantic intimacy and trust. It’s about the worst elements of human nature, and the way society progresses when those toxic elements are given form, whether that form is literal (a person becoming a nightmare creature) or less tangible (like in media or politics).

Honestly, while I enjoyed reading the book, it was only after I finished and I began thinking back through it that I realized just how much Schaeffer layered into these pages. I’ve had experiences both through blogging and through book clubs where a novel has been good – or even just okay – on reading, but through analysis, writing, and/or discussion, that initial impression has vastly improved. This is one of those times. I had no idea that I was getting more than a fascinating fun story when I went into City of Nightmares, and now I can’t wait to approach the forthcoming sequel** with more focus.

PS: Noteworthy fun fact – this is my 11th “City of __” book read since I began blogging 15 years ago. Some of those are repeat authors, so Schaeffer makes the 8th author of a “City of __” book that I’ve read in that time. “City of __” is therefore the most common novel title template that I’ve recorded on my blog. Huzzah!

**Apparently this series is a duology. I thought City of Nightmares was standalone when I started, but by the end, I realized it must be part of a series, and GR lists book two as the conclusion of the sequence.

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Sunday Coffee – The Valentine’s Litter

Posted on February 19, 2023 by Thistle

It’s that time again – new foster babies! Meet our newest trio: Huey, Dewey, and Louie. These three little boys are quite young, only about four weeks old when we picked them up on Valentine’s Day. They have fluffy little round bodies (no starvation or weight issues, hurrah!!), triangle tails, and uncoordinated little pounces. It’s adorable.

Now, normally kittens this young wouldn’t be separated from their mama yet (or they’d still be on a bottle). I don’t know the story behind these little ones, but at four weeks, they were already weaned and eating wet food, likely by necessity. On the plus side, they’ve had no trouble eating. On the negative side, their bodies aren’t fully prepared for non-milk food, so they’re suffering a little bit of poop issues. Couple that with the fact that they’re in the early stages of using the litter box, and it’s been a messy few days.

(Side note: Someone asked me on TikTok how kittens learn to use the litter box, and I thought I’d also answer the question here. It’s a relatively simple thing – it seems to be primarily instinct! Cats outside will dig and bury their waste to avoid leaving a scent for predators to find. Litter mimics that. A cat old enough to use a litter box doesn’t have to be shown how. When we’ve brought in fosters that are 6+ weeks old, we just put them down in the box to show them where it’s at, and that’s it. Done. We probably don’t even need to do that. With kittens at the age of this trio, where they’re literally learning how to eliminate without their mother stimulating them, they will mess up a lot at first as they don’t always make it to the box before going. As they get more control, the accidents lessen. If they’re consistently going in another place, you can move their waste to the box to teach them where the smells should be, but in all the cats we’ve helped, this has never been necessary. Notably, if adult cats are consistently going somewhere other than the box, there’s either a problem with the cat or a problem with the box, so it’s time to listen to that cry for help!)

Huey, Dewey, and Louie are loud, chaotic, and so fun to play with. They don’t yet know how to snuggle well (too active!), and you have to protect your clothes from paws that have stepped in both food and poop (sigh), but that’s just their age. They’ll grow out of it soon, just like they’ll grow out of those round bodies and triangle tails. (A pity – triangle tails really are the best!) Other than the brief week we had the Bistro Babies, who were mostly cared for by their mama, we haven’t had kittens this young since Shai and Hulud. Our fosters are usually 6+ weeks, because kittens at this young age are usually with their mom or on a bottle. Like I said, I don’t know the story behind how these guys ended up weaned and orphaned at this age, but it’s fun to spend time with littles again. They’ll be with us for at least a month, and as they started out fearless and happy to play with humans, they’re going to be the biggest snuggle-babies by the time we’re through with them!

PS – One little sad note: Dewey really misses his mom. One of the signs of distress that kittens show when they’re weaned too early is trying to suckle on things. Dewey will mew plaintively and try to suckle on his brothers’ necks, or my neck, or my fingers, and (weirdly) my eyelids. He can’t be comforted, because obviously there will be no milk forthcoming. And we have to try to keep him from suckling on his brothers, because if he suckles the wrong part (hem), it can lead to permanent nerve damage in said part and problems with incontinence. While the other two kittens seem less distressed about their separation – Huey is generally bigger and more physically developed, while Louie is a no-brains kind of kitten – Dewey is clearly upset and unwell, so we’re giving him all the attention we can.

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The Writing Retreat, by Julia Bartz

Posted on February 17, 2023 by Thistle

Alex has had writer’s block for a year, ever since she and her best friend Wren had a devastating friend-breakup. Now she’s been invited to her favorite author’s estate for a month-long intensive writing retreat, and she couldn’t be more excited. Except that Wren will be there too. Alex swallows down her hurt and bitterness, only to find herself in a situation far more nightmarish than she’s imagined.

Y’all. This book. When I say “over the top,” you aren’t even beginning to imagine the half of it. Seriously. When hallucinogenic sapphic demon sex is the least crazy thing on the list, you just kinda have to throw suspension of disbelief out the window and go with it. Buckle in for a wild, chaotic ride.

I don’t have much to say about The Writing Retreat. It suffered from a lot of overused thriller tropes, but there was enough fun in it to keep me reading despite that. The whole thing is beyond ridiculous, but also impossible to put down. I enjoyed it while rolling my eyes the whole time. Don’t know what else I can say. It was a chaotic mess, so much that it may have been great. So I guess I’ll say this: If “hallucinogenic sapphic demon sex” causes your ears to perk up, read this book. If it makes you cringe away? Don’t read it. Easy litmus test, I suppose? Heh.

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15th blogoversary: Hello out there…

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Thistle

Last week, I had a bit of a blogistential crisis when I realized I was approaching 15 years in this place. My data-oriented brain looked back over 2022 and ran some numbers: 144 posts; 41 (28%) that had comments; and of those, only 12 of them (29%, or 8% of my total posts) had comments from more than one person (excluding responses from me). Almost all of the comments came from a half-dozen readers. I was looking at those numbers and I thought – maybe it’s time to stop. Maybe 15 years is enough. Maybe it’s time to fully transition my social media presence away from this dinosaur platform onto platforms where I have more engagement, like Instagram or TikTok.

Except…I don’t want to migrate. I still enjoy blogging, regardless of interaction. I like having a quiet space to post my book reviews, cat stuff, photography, and monthly wrap ups. I like the organization of the Zen Leaf. I like the wealth of memories and thoughts I’ve collected over the years. Since I gave up writing fiction in 2016, this is about all I have left of wordplay, and I do still enjoy writing, a lot. Yeah, back in 2008 when I started, this was all about connecting with other people and making likeminded friends across the world. It’s not about that anymore, with so few of us left, so I have to evaluate on new criteria – something I haven’t done in a very long time.

(figured a new header would be nice for 15 years!)

There isn’t really any question of me quitting outright, so the question became, do I take this blog private, and write only for myself? Or keep writing into the void publicly, with sporadic interactions with other folks? I thought about that, how it might change things for me. If I made the Zen Leaf private, I honestly don’t imagine there would be much of a change in how I use it. After all, over 70% of my posts get no interaction at all if 2022 is any indication, and that’s never stopped me from writing or posting. If I went private, I might be less formal in reviews of books I don’t like (ha!), but otherwise, I don’t see a lot of change. That left me teetering on a fence about what to do. Fifteen years is a long time, and it might be time for a clean break.

I decided to leave the question for a week and come back to it. There were drafts ready to go for most of the time in between, when I was going to be extremely busy, so I didn’t think much about blogging during that time. Then I finished another book, and came to do my post-book wrap-up admin here, adding it to lists and prepping a blog post for when I had a chance to review it. The date of that post would need to be after this blogoversary post, which I had yet to write. I thought – this could be the first post, the first book review, that would be private. Something in my gut tugged. The book itself wasn’t significant, but I would craft my words to review it, and even if those words are only read by five or six people, it still feels better to know that they are out in the world to be read, if people so choose.

That answered my question for me. If I don’t have any blogging angst and I do this because I enjoy it, if I don’t care that the majority of my posts don’t get any engagement, then it doesn’t matter if I continue publicly or privately. However, if it feels better on a gut level to keep going the way I always have? There’s no reason not to at that point. I can write for me and me alone, publicly. And for those half-dozen folks who have been here for so long, I still see you, and appreciate you, and know you’re celebrating 15 years with me. We might all be blogging dinosaurs, but we haven’t completely disappeared yet. Cheers!

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February Self Portrait: Valentine’s

Posted on February 13, 2023 by Thistle

One of my goals this year is to do a monthly personal photoshoot as a way to:

  1. get outside my comfort zone;
  2. practice taking portraits (particularly trying out posing techniques to understand better what works in front of the camera, so I can give instruction from behind the camera);
  3. try out new techniques, styles, and edits;
  4. and get a little more comfortable in my own skin.

Continue reading →

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Sunday Coffee – In the Air Force Now (Again)

Posted on February 12, 2023 by Thistle

Back in August, I posted about Ambrose’s graduation from AFBMT. Originally, Ambrose decided to sign up for the Air Force with their best friend Tyler, and the two were planning to attend basic training together in some kind of buddy system. However, Tyler’s paperwork took much longer, and their approval into the AF didn’t come until long after Ambrose was done with basic and off to Korea. It was also long after the two of them had their proxy marriage ceremony in September. Finally, not long before Christmas, Tyler’s approval and ship date came through, and they started BMT right before the holiday.

We’ve known Tyler for a long time now. Ambrose and Tyler first became friends in 2017 when my family moved back to TX from Wisconsin, and Tyler’s mother was stationed in San Antonio. The two of them were always out together and we lived close together. The families all spent time with each other, until Tyler’s family relocated with the army to out in Alabama sometime during the pandemic. Until that move, Tyler was in our pandemic “bubble,” playing Dungeons & Dragons (and other RPGs) with Jason, Ambrose, and sometimes Morrigan and Laurence first over Zoom/Skype, and post-vaccine, at our house. Even after Ambrose left for BMT and Tyler was living across the country, Jason and Tyler continued to play their games through video-chat. So in a lot of ways, Tyler has been family for a long time, and their family considers Ambrose as part of their family too.

Unlike Ambrose, Tyler invited everyone to their graduation. (Ambrose asked that no one come to theirs.) Jason and I got tickets, and Tyler’s family flew in from Alabama. The whole group of us spent a big chunk of Wednesday and Thursday hanging out, and it was so good to see not just Tyler but the rest of the family too. Lots of long hugs, lots of support, lots of happiness to join families. Because Tyler and Ambrose’s wedding was unconventional in a lot of ways – a proxy ceremony, so there was no event to attend, not to mention they’ve called it a platonic marriage/life partnership, and it was all very quick – we had no real idea of how comfortable everyone was going to be. But the family is so great, and they were all so happy to welcome Ambrose in, and excited to all be tied together legally. They’ve been so supportive of both kiddos and their continued journeys in career and life. Ambrose could not have chosen a better family to join, and I’m overjoyed to welcome Tyler into ours.

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Spells For Forgetting, by Adrienne Young (audio)

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Thistle

August hasn’t been back to the island of Saoirse since he left with his mother after he was accused of killing one of his classmates right after graduation. His mother is dead now, and her last request was to bury her ashes on the island. But when August arrives back in Saoirse, the island’s secrets start to emerge, leaving him embroiled in even more danger than when he left.

TW: child abuse, physical violence/assault

That’s a pitiful description, but honestly, the official blurb invested way too much into this book. It sounded so interesting, the premise was so good, and then it was a lot of setup for no real payoff. The magic and curses and folklore? Could’ve been cut altogether without really changing the story. Felt more like old wives’ tales that had no substance in them for 99% of the book. The murder mystery? Dull. Character development? There were like three (I think?) old ladies in this book and I have no idea which is which after an entire 12 hours with them, and they’re important to the story. The love story part? Straight out of YA angst with a thin layer of literary shine on it. (Especially after August shows himself to be a carelessly violent person just like his whole family line before him. We’re supposed to cheer for this guy? I’m so tired of toxic masculinity being praised because sometimes the guy is sensitive. Assault is assault, and if you can’t control your temper, I’m done with you.) It was just…not worth it. Disappointing. My first disappointing read of the year.

Honestly, I almost quit reading when there was less than two hours left on the audiobook. I’d already past the point where August is an asshole and somehow no one cares, and the climax wasn’t going anywhere. There’s this weird urgency to Emery’s discoveries – Emery is the love interest and other main narrator – as if something is going to happen right then, as if suddenly the one bit of maybe-magic is going to mean something, and then it didn’t, and we skipped to an epilogue? Or something? I don’t know. The whole thing just didn’t work for me. (Especially the chapter told from the point of view of the island itself.)

Performance: I originally got this book from BotM, but because I was feeling more like audio, I also grabbed that version from my library. I didn’t realize that it was read by nine different people! I’m not generally a fan of audiobooks that have so many narrators that I have to categorize them under the “multiple readers” header, and I can’t really review it because some were good performances, some weren’t, and I don’t know who was who. For the record, the nine narrators were: Emily Rankin, Dan Bittner, Mark Deakins, Kimberly Farr, Ari Fliakos, Dawn Harvey, Carrington MacDuffie, Kirsten Potter, and Oliver Wyman.

Posted in 2023, Adult, Prose | Tagged , | Leave a comment