I currently stand on the edge of something. I’m in my own house now, and can control many things I couldn’t before: when/where to exercise. What to buy and eat. My daily schedules and routines. Etc. This is an exciting place, but also a terrifying one. I have a rough road ahead, and as I stand here, so many things paralyze me.
1. Injury: 15 months after I sprained my ankle, it still hasn’t fully healed. I’ve undergone physical therapy twice; worked with chiropractors and massage therapists and an athletic trainer; iced and foam-rolled and stretched and heated and rested and everything else thrown at me to try to make this better. Sometimes there’s no pain, and sometimes I wake up unable to walk without limping. I’m in the process of getting to a specialist for imagine to determine if there are any tears in the tendons or ligaments. Sigh.
2. Insomnia: If I don’t sleep, everything else in my world falls apart. Insomnia has been a problem my whole life, getting worse in my adolescence and then growing extremely severe about five years ago. I rely on a lot of factors to get as much sleep as possible, but I often feel I’m fighting an uphill battle. The issues is so enormous, though, that at this point Jason and I have gone to the extreme of having separate bedrooms in order to not wake each other up multiple times nightly!
3. Addiction: Sugar is bad for me. Not just the typical cookies-and-ice-cream variety, but the general proliferation of bread, pasta, and cereals that basically just turn into sugar the second they hit my tongue. I’m particularly sensitive to carbs of any sort because of PCOS and insulin-resistance, and yet I keep eating them. Addiction.
4. Self-sabotage: This is an odd combination of things. I have a lot of work to do to get healthy, but I keep putting obstacles in my path. I binge eat or drink, punishing myself with food, forcing myself to not be healthy. I’m afraid to try, so I keep making myself fail. I’m afraid that if I do try, I won’t succeed, or that if I do succeed, something bad will happen. (Sorry to be vague on that last point. Can’t talk about it more, but last time I succeeded and felt good about myself for the first time in years, something really bad happened to me and there’s a part of me that’s terrified the same will happen again if I succeed again.) So I’m scared to try, scared to fail, and scared to succeed. How’s that for an impossible knot?
5. Shame: After regaining so much, I feel like a failure. I don’t want people to look at me. I don’t want to exercise where anyone can see. I don’t want to choose healthier foods for fear someone might sneer at me. I want to wear baggy clothes to hide myself away, and not see anyone I know. I’m living in an isolated bubble with no desire to leave. I’ve lost a lot of the confidence I once had, and shame causes me to beat myself up constantly.
6. Anxiety, Depression, Hopelessness, Intimidation: All these things. I’m overwhelmed. I worry about everything. I worry about making extra work for others if I need to count calories or modify my meals. I worry about the difficulty of losing weight again, and feel depressed to once again be in this position. I’m angry at myself for letting this happen, and worry that it was a fluke that I ever succeeded in the first place. I don’t know which path I should take up this mountain of health/fitness/weight-loss, and the sheer volume of work to be done is intimidating and overwhelming.
I can’t move forward until I can address these things. I’m doing my best: setting up doctor and therapy appointments, making schedules and food/exercise plans, working on sleep issues, and trying to remember that I just need to take this one day at a time instead of looking at how far I’ll eventually need to go. But it’s just hard, and I feel paralyzed.